10 Things You'll See in Every Jason Statham Movie

Has any action star had greater output over the past decade than Jason Statham? The balding Brit with the lethal kick has been in over 20 movies since 2003, establishing himself as one of the most marketable stars working today. He got his start working with Guy Ritchie in comedy-crime movies like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, but has since pioneered his own brand of over-the-top ragers where the body count is high and the logic nonexistent.

Despite the length of his filmography, there's little diversity among the movies. If you see his name above the title, you know what to expect (Gnomeo & Juliet and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale aside).

To prepare for his upcoming film, Parker, hitting theaters this Friday, here's a look at the trademark Stathamisms that have made his career: 10 Things You’ll See in Every Jason Statham Movie.

Written by Jason Serafino (@serafinoj1)

Related: The Must-See Actions Movies From the Stars of The Expendables 2
Related: 10 Actors Who Always Play the Same Character

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Notable Examples: The Expendables, Crank, The Transporter, Killer Elite, Parker, Safe

The most important people working on an American film today aren't the stars, the director, or the screenwriter; no, it’s the folks in the marketing department. A great marketing campaign can make the most inept shitshow look like an Oscar winner (think of every M. Night Shyamalan movie after The Sixth Sense), while a shoddy campaign can kill a great film before the glowing reviews are printed (Seven Psychopaths). That said, there's no art to selling a Jason Statham movie: just give dude a gun.

Whether it’s for the Crank series, the Transporter trilogy, or any other flick he’s lent his chiseled abs to, Statham will be packing heat on every billboard and in every theater lobby. Worse yet, for all three Transporter movies, Statham is in the same exact pose, making the posters as repetitive as the films. It’s a mind-numbingly simple strategy, but you can’t argue with the results. Because, really, how else are you going to know that Jason Statham will be shooting things in his movies?

Notable Examples: Safe, Killer Elite, Death Race, The Expendables 2

Following in the footsteps of his ‘80s predecessors, Jason Statham only fights interchangeable, one-note villains. They're often culled from ethnic stereotypes, and when that doesn't work, they're just shallow caricatures. For all of the delightfully unnecessary violence and sex in movies like the Crank series, the movies drop the ball when it comes to throwing a nuanced foe Statham’s way.

Can you remember who he fought in Safe, Killer Elite, or any of the Transporter movies? Admit it—you forgot by the time the end credits rolled. Jean-Claude Van Damme (The Expendables 2) and Joan Allen (Death Race) attempted to break the string of D-list baddies, but when you stack them up against the villains from recent shoot-em-ups, like Javier Bardem in Skyfall, they come up short.

Notable examples: Killer Elite, The Mechanic, Crank, Parker

The Suit Man doesn’t look like the type of guy who'd work some drone job, attached to a desk and phone. He doesn't look like a guy who'd answer emails in a timely fashion. And that’s why, in almost every movie he stars in, he’s played either a professional assassin or thief. In Crank, Parker, Killer Elite, The Mechanic, The Bank Job, and too many others to name, Statham plays the same morally gray character who turns out to have a heart of gold.

Yeah, he's a hitman who will kill for money, but these stories show him killing because he was wronged, or because someone close to him was wronged. He's just sticking to his code, guys.

Still, even in the movie world Statham doesn't appear to be suited for jobs that require people skills or management experience. But as long as Hollywood keeps pumping out scripts tailor-made for him, he’ll never make an on-screen career change.

Notable Examples: Parker, Death Race, Crank, War

Jason Statham will never star in a film with an award-winning screenplay, but, seriously, are any of these writers even trying? He’s best known for the Transporter series, the Crank series, The Expendables, and The Mechanic—all of these flicks hinge on a pissed off Baldie taking revenge on someone for doing something that pissed him off. Just fill in a different "someone" and "something."

Transporter turns into War, which turns into Parker. Yet no matter how much well-worn territory Ol' Stone Face has covered already, the public still eats up his latest with a smile.

Jason Statham is about comfort. Do you want him playing a quirky archaeologist in a Wes Anderson movie, or a deaf-mute composer in whatever Tom Hooper's cooking up next? No. Of course not. You want what works.

Notable Examples: The Expendables 2, Transporter 3, Crank

In recent years, Hollywood has moved away from the campy heroes of the ‘80s and ‘90s, the Stallones and Schwarzeneggers. Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne, Daniel Craig’s James Bond, and Christian Bale’s Batman have all traded in the cheese of their predecessors for something more serious. Everything is very dark these days, as you might've noticed. The world's not in great shape.

Jason Statham is a rebuke to this trend. His movies are saturated with the racial stereotypes, casual misogyny, and glorious one-liners of yesteryear. Have a taste:

Transporter 3
Bad Guy: I'd like to offer you a position.
Statham: I'd like to offer you one—permanently disabled.

The Expendables
[After deflating a basketball on some dude’s chest.] Statham: Next time, I’ll deflate all your balls.

The Expendables 2
Statham: I’d like to pronounce you man and knife.

Genius.

Notable Examples: War, Transporter, The Expendables

No one is here for the potent themes or emotional complexity. You want stupidly complicated fight scenes with helicopters and defibrillator pads and really big assault weapons. Physics is for school—you want the impossible, entire rooms of baddies cleared without so much as a crease in Statham's suit jacket.

This approach culminated with the Crank series, where the plot demands as many fights as possible, or else Statham will die—because his body is wired that way.

Notable Examples: Crank, Transporter, Death Race

Whether he’s in a car, on a motorcycle, or riding a bicycle, Jason Statham needs to make one thing clear: He cannot drive. He makes drunk athletes look safe as he racks up higher and higher body counts behind the wheel. And each new movie offers different vehicles to showcase his road rage.

The entire Crank series should be shown in high school driver’s ed classes. But remember, Statham can do just as much damage behind the wheel of a car as he can on a motorcycle or mountain bike (see Transporter 3).

Don't try anything you've seen him do while driving, or else you’ll end up like Amanda Bynes.

Notable examples: Crank, Crank: High Voltage, The Mechanic

You'd think that public rape (as it appears in Crank) would prevent a man from getting the girl, but that's not the case for Stubbleface. In Crank, his girlfriend (played by Amy Smart) repeatedly tries to fend off his advances, clearly saying "no," but it doesn't stop Statham.

Across his career, no matter how abusive his characters have been, he's always gotten the girl: Saffron Burrows, Mini Aden, Amy Smart, Natalya Rudakova, and Jennifer Lopez. All the while sporting the personality of a sociopath.

Notable Examples: The Transporter, Crank, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

For regular dudes, a dense layer of stubble is either a sign that you'll be shaving soon or the prelude to a magnificent beard. For the angry Brit, stubble is a way of being, a life-preserver to cling to in a chaotic world. His stubble is everything. It speaks of sophistication and readiness. It is important stubble. It is necessary stubble. Without it, would Statham even have a face?

Someone must be paid to function as his full-time “stubble consultant,” available at all times to ensure that each whisker is the correct length. Continuity between shots must be maintained, or else everything is lost and this adrenaline-filled business comes crashing down. Continuity must be maintained across films as well—the idea of Statham demands it. Compare Safe to War—unchanged perfection. It's zen.

Notable examples: The Transporter, Crank, Safe, Parker, War

Like the stubble, the idea of JS cannot be realized without a suit. The boat must not rock. There will be suits, and they will be black. This is most notable in the Transporter series, where Statham appears in basically the same get-up across all three installments.

Dear a Talented Video Artist,

Please make a film that splices together scenes of Statham in a suit hurting people in such a way that it's impossible for viewers to tell which film they're watching. Then slow it down so that it lasts 24 hours. That's how you know it's art.

ps—Call it "Crank That Statham-man."

Thanks.