5. X-Man

1983, Atari 2600

Given the Atari 2600's graphical capabilities, what about the prospect of sweatily jamming this game into that plastic hunk of crap could have possibly excited anyone? The girl on the cover—from her dead, lifeless eyes to her blatantly protruding ribs—is as unappealing as getting a blow job from the toothy grin chasing after that poor sap. And what's with the scissors? Was that actually a thing? "Oh, but it's like X-Men, but the "M" looks like a woman's crotch!" SHUT UP.