9. DON’T Arrive Unprepared

Don't get it twisted—you are not to bring flowers, a bottle of wine, a scented candle, or any of that other Michael Bolton shit. Nah, we mean doing your goddamn homework. Build a dossier on Mom, Dad, and any siblings she may or may not have; maybe study up on any uncles or aunts that will be in attendance as well. And make sure you take a look at Grandma. Find all the skeletons in all the closets. Get to the library. Analyze the microfiche. Hire a Private Investigator; you need to make for damn sure you have all the dirt you can on these bastards. If you're not up for at least one whole night of maniacally analyzing a stolen bag of garbage from her parents’ house, then you aren’t ready to keep that girl, kid.

Pro Tip: Remember that her old man is probably preparing for you in the same way. Take the long route to and from the strip club to best shake anyone trying to tail you.