Forgive me, Beyoncé, for I am about to sin.
When I first heard word that Beyoncé was planning to go on another tour with Jay Z, my immediate thought was, “Do we really need another one of those?” Then I ducked my head for fear that a lightning bolt would jolt me in retaliation. A few weeks later, fans joined in on the speculation, finding clues that lent credence to talk about a sequel to the 2014 North America stadium tour that amassed more than $100 million in ticket sales. I was silently hoping those Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine disciples were wrong. However, Mrs. and Mr. Carter have since made it all official: we are getting an On The Run 2 tour, whether we want one or not.
Personally, I just want a tour with the person whose mama makes gumbo and crawfish étouffée. And yes, I’m already afraid of what might happen to me for typing that sentence, much less publishing this piece. Allow me to explain before you expel me from The Beyhive and order Julius the bodyguard to tackle me on sight.
To be fair to Jay Z, despite not being able to dance, sing, or stay faithful to Beyoncé, he managed to avoid embarrassing himself on the last On The Run Tour while sharing the stage with the greatest living performer on Earth. That wasn't a surprise to fans of Hov—myself included—who have seen him on tour before. Rappers don’t always make the best performers, but Jay Z has an extensive catalog and thousands of people ready to swoop in as a hype man at any given moment. It’s hard to be bored with Jay Z on stage.
I don’t want to share my time of praise and worship of Beyoncé with her husband
Having said that, I still just want his wife, and only his wife, for three hours. I don’t want to share my time of praise and worship of Beyoncé with her husband—you know, that man, who as noted, cheated on her. So, while she may have forgiven him for laying it low and spreading it wide, I still need a little more time. As some of you have also noted, I still can’t even listen to the forgiveness half of Lemonade. Yeah, I listened to 4:44 and it’s his best album in years. It’s basically Lemonade from the perspective of a wayward penis, but after I finish stripper kicking to “Kitty Kat” (she should definitely add that song to the setlist), I’m not sure I want to hear songs reminding me that Jay cheated on Beyoncé.
Like, is it too late for Beyoncé to just leave him at home? Or better yet, could he at least stay in the VIP section watching the kids, and maybe, if the Queen is feeling generous, she might let him come out for “Déjà Vu,” another song Bey needs to go ahead and add back to the set list? Sadly, we all have to eventually settle on the truth: Beyoncé doesn’t give a damn about what we want ‘cause she knows that ultimately, when she says jump for a tour, we ask how high and when is the presale, sis?
Ideally, Jay Z will address some of our concerns by doing something like publicly apologizing to Beyoncé and washing her feet on stage night after night. Whatever he decides to do, though, the reality is that, despite all of my protesting, my ass is already planning to give her whatever she asks of me for great seats at the show. Beyoncé is being that friend who has revealed that her partner hurt her in some way yet brings him around knowing her friends can’t say shit ‘cause they love her too much—only Jay Z is a much more famous thot.
I will try to let go of my uneasiness and trust in my lord and gyrator’s infinite wisdom, but Beyoncé, know that even as I contemplate selling plasma and private parts to pay for these concert tickets, you gave me some pause adding your husband to your bill.
