For the most ardent Adele fans, their pre-orders of 25 officially began to download around 11 p.m. and by 12:30 a.m. Thursday night. They were surely curled into balls of despair on their floors—no doubt clutching wine glasses in one hand and cell phones in the other. While it’s unclear if they’re presently still drowning in a pool of their own tears, I am here to assist the rest of you who are curious to hear the new album but need to be briefed appropriately. As in, which of these songs will make you want to text your ex? Or have you crying on the subway? Make you scream out in pain while stuck in traffic? And of course, doing the absolute most on social media to attract sympathy to you and your boo-less life only to find yourself looking a damn fool?
Fret not, y’all. My tear ranking is here to help.
12. “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)”
11. “Sweetest Devotion”
10. “I Miss You”
9. “River Lea”
8. “Remedy”
7. “Water Under the Bridge"
6. “Love in the Dark”
5. “Million Years Ago”
4. “Hello”
3. “All I Ask”
2. “When We Were Young”
Jesus, Adele. You’re going to put my emotions into this tight a headlock by song four? This one will make you hit up someone who broke your heart in fourth, ninth, or 11th grade. This is the song someone has a breakdown to in a romantic comedy. It’s the song someone dies to on some TV movie on Lifetime. This is the song that will cause your friend who can never stop complaining about not having a man to call you after listening to it at least 50 times. I’m turning this shit off.