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Though Walmart is still the place where the American dream goes to wither and die while surrounded by low prices and discount Duck Dynasty t-shirts, the disciples of Sam Walton are attempting to balance this reality by throwing employees a few bones. At an employee rally (sounds culty, right?) featuring Reese Witherspoon (?) in Fayetteville, AR, Walmart CEO Greg Foran made a sweeping series of promises which humorously included the respective catalogs of Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.
According to the esteemed journalists over at the New York Daily News, Walmart employees across the country were sick of hearing the Biebs and the Dion whilst telling you how much damage your late-night wine run is going to hurt your wallet (it only hurts in the morning). As such, Foran promised to remove Bieber and Dion from in-store playlists across the continental United States.
In addition to these minor aux cord choices, Walmart announced plans to slightly ease up on employee dress code restrictions while also reportedly boosting pay for over 500,000 full and part-time sales associates. In a sweeping effort of passionate humanity, Walmart will also graciously adjust the in-store temperatures by an entire degree following multiple complaints of general discomfort from employees. No word yet on whether or not Bieber will urinate in a Walmart mop bucket to mark the occasion.
[insert "Star-Spangled Banner" here]