Of Course There Are Microplastics in Testicles: World Can't Help But Laugh at Latest Sign Everything Is F*cked

The balls-based news cycle is taking quite a hit this week.

Person sitting on a chair experiencing discomfort or pain in their groin area, indicated by a glowing effect. The person's identity is not known
Image via Getty/ Henadzi Pechan
Person sitting on a chair experiencing discomfort or pain in their groin area, indicated by a glowing effect. The person's identity is not known

Everyone knows, or at this point everyone should know, that there are numerous signs suggesting microplastics could be quite the blight on human existence. But did you know that they're also hanging out in testicles?

That's the takeaway from a new paper published this month in the peer-reviewed Toxicological Sciences journal. Researchers from the University of New Mexico, led by Dr. Xiaozhong "John" Yu, have found 12 different types of microplastics in both human and canine testes. More specifically, such plastics, which are defined as "small plastic pieces less than five millimeters long," were found in all 47 canine and 23 human testes included in the research. That means 100 percent of research subjects in this study had microplastics in their balls.

Speaking about the issue of a widely reported drop in sperm counts, Yu noted that more work needs to be done to determine whether there's any direct connection between microplastics in testicles and reduced sperm in humans. In dogs, however, the researchers' findings showed that higher PVC levels in testicular tissue "correlated with" lower sperm counts.

"We have a lot of unknowns," Yu said in a recent news release. "We need to really look at the potential long-term effect. Are microplastics one of the factors contributing to this decline?"

Naturally, as we mere humans are known to do, we’ve collectively met this bit of balls-based news with our favorite coping mechanism and surefire remedy: gallows humor.

It's rough out there https://t.co/U9vOsj5hEl pic.twitter.com/4ZMjFxwkgK

— Bilbo Baggins (@Jbanklestankle1) May 20, 2024

The cancer-causing microplastics in my balls: pic.twitter.com/HsLmck6niq https://t.co/I8OrMwiu3z

— Roy Drones Jr (@chiweethedog) May 20, 2024

the cancer-causing microplastics in my baIIs pic.twitter.com/wGdOj8vexP https://t.co/2KzwBl3j5o

— kira 👾 (@kirawontmiss) May 20, 2024

when he has slightly too much microplastic in his balls pic.twitter.com/Pzy4AkuVvh

— RAW SEX RATIONALIST (@kittystremy) May 20, 2024

I stand for the anthem, kneel for the flag

got tons of microplastics in my ball bag pic.twitter.com/UD3P7vYWIk

— i'm nice on here (@littleerik) May 21, 2024

I have been surgically inserting microplastics into my balls for years, and now you’re telling me it was all for nothing? https://t.co/aR9S0i32J7

— alex goldman (@AGoldmund) May 21, 2024

Having a few microplastics in my testicles isn't enough, I won't stop until I contain enough plastics that I can technically be reclassified as a Happy Meal.

— Steven (with a ph) (@SJKSalisbury) May 21, 2024

You know what else is found in 100% of men’s testicles…hope https://t.co/gxv2SB4M3y

— Joey Garcia (@NotJosephGarcia) May 20, 2024

Everybody who got microplastics in their testicles can I get a hell yeah!!!!

— Rick Paulas (@rick_paulas) May 21, 2024

Tragically, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to pen a few hundred words about testicles. For example, back in 2019, I had to slap my name on a piece about a woman who allegedly chomped down on a camel's testicles at a truck stop in Louisiana. This is not even the first balls-focused news entry of the year—about a month ago, a TV station accidentally broadcast a pair of testicles during solar eclipse coverage. What's next in the exciting world of balls and microplastics? We'll have to wait and see.

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