Mercifully, Tuesday brings us a new Apple event, this time complete with the expected unveiling of new iPhones.

Thanks to COVID-19, the typical in-person spectacle that accompanies such launch specials is once again not possible. But as anyone who tuned in for last month's Time Flies event already knows, the limitations of our current era actually haven't deterred the Apple team from still crafting a unique experience for those looking to dive into the deepest possible pool of phone-related envy.

Catch the stream via YouTube above.

From the jump, Tim Cook welcomed viewers by briefly doling out a quick summary of the previous Time Flies event before swiftly transitioning into an introduction of the newest addition to Apple's HomePod smart speaker family: the HomePod Mini. The speaker is built on the idea of what Apple calls "computational audio," which allows for minimal distortion in sound and a truer bass experience than is common in other smart speakers of this size.

For example, when two HomePod minis are placed in the same room, they automatically tweak their output to provide a true stereo experience. CarPlay, Smart Home, Apple Music, and Siri also stand to boast added benefits for HomePod mini users. Starting Nov. 6, the Mini is available for $99 in two different colorways.

After the latest HomePod experience was detailed, Cook returned from Apple Park to guide us all into the next chapter of the iPhone. As is typical during these events, this began with Cook touting the device's proven benefits and advantages before (eventually) giving the people what they want.

"The next generation is here," Cook said. "Today is the beginning of a new era for iPhone. Today, we're bringing 5G to the iPhone." This move, of course, will boost network speeds and add more security to users' devices.

Building on this potential for awesomeness, Cook then let loose the iPhone 12.

Designed with 5G in mind, including the position of all-new antennas, the iPhone 12 comes in a variety of colors including black, white, red, green, and blue. The phone boasts a 6.1-inch display with reduced borders. In short, the 12 is thinner and smaller and lighter. Ceramic Shield, meanwhile, promises to go "beyond glass" for added toughness in the display surface. As for the display itself, it's classified as Super Retina XDR, which means Extremely F*cking Good.

For chipheads, the 12 is running on the A14 Bionic. The chip is notably helping the gaming aspect of the iPhone experience take several steps forward, including the iOS addition of League of Legends: Wild Rift.

And camera-wise, the 12 puts to use both Ultra Wide and Wide cameras, with the latter allowing more light to hit the sensor when taking a photo. The revered Night Mode is also getting an expansion.

MagSafe capabilities, meanwhile, will greatly improve the wireless charging experience thanks to the addition of new sensors and more.

As an unexpected surprise, Apple also announced the iPhone 12 Mini—the smallest, thinnest, and lighest 5G-capable phone on the planet. Pricing starts at $699 for the mini and $799 for the full-size 12.

Of course, no iPhone drop is complete without an added line of Pro-level models, and Tuesday's "Hi, Speed" event was no different. The iPhone 12 Pro comes in a variety of color ways including the all-new pacific blue option. 

Of high interest to those who frequent the camera on their iPhone is the fact that Apple ProRAW is coming to both the 12 Pro and the 12 Pro Max, which—in short—marks the combination of computational photography into RAW images. Video is also getting an exciting boost, with the addition of Dolby Vision HDR, the Art-enabling benefits of which simply can't be overstated.

The 12 Pro starts at $999, while the 12 Pro Max starts at $1099.

All in all, this was a fruitful Apple event, though it's not hard to imagine that some dolt somewhere is somehow not exactly pleased with the latest lineup.

But f*ck those people. Below, get a closer look at Apple's latest and greatest via a curated selection of official product shots straight from Tim Cook and company:

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Image via Apple
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Image via Apple
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Image via Apple
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Image via Apple
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Image via Apple
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Image via Apple

For more, peep the intel.