In times of global turbulence such as this, it’s important we all heed the advice of our top minds. So, just as soon as you’re ready, by order of Canada's boss doctor, please cover your face holes with a COVID-approved mask and drop your pants.
Here’s what Canada's chief public health officer Dr. Theresa Tam had to say about the sexy times during the COVID times.
“Sexual health is an important part of our overall health,” she wrote in a statement released on Wednesday. “However, sex can be complicated in the time of COVID-19, especially for those without an intimate partner in their household or whose sexual partner is at higher risk for COVID-19. Like other activities during COVID-19 that involve physical closeness, there are some things you can do to minimize the risk of getting infected and spreading the virus.”
She goes on to remind us, as any good doctor should, that the safest form of sex is sex with yourself. “Masturbation to save the nation,” so to speak. She didn’t write that, but probably should’ve.
If you are going to get intimate with somebody outside your household or bubble, though, there are some other things you can do to keep yourself safer, according to our wise and sexually Liberal government, including “skipping kissing and avoiding face-to-face contact or closeness” and, get this, “consider using a mask that covers the nose and mouth.”
That’s right, we’re making masks a sex accessory, baby! Let’s goooooo!
It might seem silly to cover the nose and mouth when you’re going to go all the way with somebody, but Dr. Tam’s statement goes on to explain how the virus is more readily transmitted that way.
“Current evidence indicates there is a very low likelihood of contracting the novel coronavirus through semen or vaginal fluids. However, even if the people involved do not have symptoms, sexual activity with new partners does increase your risk of getting or passing COVID-19 through close contact, like kissing.”
Canadians living in British Columbia were already advised by their provincial CDC to use “glory holes” as a more Covid-safe sex practice. No kidding.
Now, you might be thinking, 'But my mouth, I want to use that for some things during sex.' And, sure, you might “want” to, but do you “need” to? Kissing is taboo now. Pornhub, you’ve been notified.
Lucky for us all, there are already dozens of stylish face masks that you can cop here in Canada. Are they appropriate for physical intimacy? Guess we’ll be finding out...