Not to worry. As with National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, our previous moment of brief and united bliss, several science-minded businesses across the country are offering all-day deals to celebrate both the rarity of the eclipse and capitalism's inability to leave well enough alone.
To help you cope with post-eclipse malaise, we've compiled a handy guide of notable providers of free sh*t and/or great deals.
Dairy Queen is hitting you with a buy-one-get-one offer on their notorious Blizzard concoctions through Sept. 3. For a penny less than a single American dollar, you can walk away with two Blizzards of your choice. Consuming them both back to back, however, is not recommended.
Hit your local Denny's house of worship to enjoy some limited edition mooncakes. A quick handover of four American dollars gets you all the moon-themed pancakes your stomach can handle, which may not be as many as you think after downing two Blizzards from DQ.
Pilot Flying J
Through its mobile app, Pilot Flying J is offering customers the chance to get either a free Milky Way bar or a pack of Eclipse gum with the purchase of a drink. After those two Blizzards and a whopping stack of mooncakes, I would personally recommend the gum. Your breath is fucking terrible.
For $0.99, Krystal will provide you with either its Caramel Mocha Frost creator or a select slushie flavor. Have another piece of that Eclipse gum after this, please.
Not only is MoonPie offering 15 percent off all online orders, because apparently people order stuff from MoonPie online, but they're also picking a lucky person to receive a year's supply of their product. To enter the contest, just post an eclipse photo using the hashtag #MoonPieEclipse after you have another piece of gum.
Today marks the final day of Krispy Kreme's "eclipsing" of their traditional original glazed product by a chocolate glaze. Before you leave a comment on this post in the general neighborhood of, "Well, actually, Krispy Kreme already offers chocolate donuts," consider this: these donuts, which are probably all sold-out at your nearest Krispy location, are glazed all over. Also, your breath stinks. Back to the gum.