Question: What would Jesus do?
Answer: Not try to steal $7 billion by setting up fraudulent wire transfers.
^^^ seems pretty obvious if you ask us. But back in December, a Florida man attempted to take $7 billion (yes, billion with a b) from "a large, nationally renowned financial institution" through a series of fraudulent wire transfers. The man, identified as John Michael Haskew of Lakeland, Florida, was unemployed at the time and owed the government a bunch of money. So his plan was to use a bank routing number that wasn’t his to schedule more than 70 transactions worth $7 billion.
Seems like a foolproof plan, right? Uh, no. Not surprisingly, it didn’t take long for someone at the bank to catch on—if you’re going to successfully steal money while flying under the radar, maybe try stealing a little less?—and police apprehended Haskew and brought him in for questioning. But rather than just admit to what he had done, he offered up one of the most bizarre explanations you’ll ever hear for why he tried to get his hands on money that wasn’t his.
According to WFTV, Haskew told investigators that "Jesus Christ created wealth for everyone" and that he was simply trying to "obtain the wealth that Jesus Christ created for him and that belonged to him" when he set up the wire transfers. It was a nice try, but as you might imagine, that’s not really an excuse that’s going to hold up in court. So eventually, Haskew pleaded guilty to one count of making a false statement to a department or agency of the United States (amazingly, that statement was not the one he made about Jesus), and he will now face up to five years in prison and be forced to pay a $250,000 fine.
Jesus, dude. We know you put yourself in a tough spot here, but that was the best explanation you could come up with?