Okay, fine, other publications and blogs have done this sort of list before, but, honestly, no one has gone to the extent that we just did. Those other pubs, esteemed in their own right, all had to slap a number on things BuzzFeed-style. That shit is boring. Why not just read every single Karl Lagerfeld interview ever and wear out both the "command" and "F" keys searching for every single instance in which he's literally uttered the word "hate"? That's what we did. And I'm pretty sure we found all of them. Granted, there were a few vague references that had to be parsed through, such as the time he said he didn't like Pippa Middleton's face. But does that mean he hates Pippa Middleton and/or her face? Doubtful. There are lines that must be drawn in the sand, people. Is it possible we missed some? Sure. But not likely, as if was physically possible for one man to hate anything more. I mean, this guy already fucking hates EVERYTHING. So, without further ado, we're pleased to present a comprehensive list of everything Karl Lagerfeld hates:
June 2002, CNN Interview With Larry King. His own past: "Then I was back to 80 kilos, what was what I had 15 years ago. I put on my old Caracini (ph) suit and all this, but suddenly I looked like somebody from my own past, and I hate nothing more than my own past."
June 2002, CNN Interview With Larry King. Unprofessional photography: "No, it's not a hobby. No, I hate unprofessional. No, it's a profession, but I have a staff of five assistants and everything, and a huge studio."
Spring 2006, New York Magazine. The '90s: When Lagerfeld says he "hated the nineties, for some reasons," it is code for many miserable years suffering with a broken heart...
March 2007, The New Yorker. Other children when he was young and the idea of childhood: "I hated the company of other children. I wanted to be a grownup person, to be taken seriously. I hated the idea of childhood."
Approximately April 2008, Prestige. "I hate the smell of cooking."
Approximately April 2008, Prestige. Meat: "And I like fish better than meat. In fact, I hate meat."
Approximately April 2008, Prestige. Children: "That's the last thing I want. I hate all children."
Approximately April 2008, Prestige. Traveling: "I am not a traveler. I hate it."
Approximately April 2008, Prestige. Being touched by strangers: "Also I cannot go on airlines because people stare at me, you have to be touched by people. I hate that...I hate bespoke because I hate to be touched by strangers."
April 2009, Interview. Meetings: "I don’t do meetings. At Chanel, there are no meetings. At Chanel, we do what we want, whenever we want and it works. And Fendi is the same."
April 2009, Interview. The past, in general, as well as his own, again: "I hate the past—especially my own past"
March 2010, VICE. Telephones: "Well, I hate telephones."
March 2010, VICE. Intellectual conversation with intellectuals: "I hate intellectual conversation with intellectuals because I only care about my opinion, but I like to read very abstract constructions of the mind."
March 2010, VICE. Certain rich people: "I hate rich people when they try to be communists or socialists. I think it’s obscene."
November 2010, The Luxury Channel interview. Exclusivity in relation to fashion: "I hate the word 'exclusive.' Expensive things of high quality are exclusive by the price."
February 2011, Savoir Flair. Celebrating New Year's: "I hate New Year’s Eve! I think it’s terrible."
February 2011, Savoir Flair. People focusing on the past rather than looking toward the future: "The last time! There is never a last time! I hate that term."
February 2011, Savoir Flair. Artificial nostalgia: "I hate fake sentimentality"
April 2011, W. Not having pencil and paper around him: "I hate to be without paper and pencil in hand. And I write like a talk. I can put my way of talking on the paper exactly the same way."
April 2011, W. Made-to-order clothes: "You know, I hate made-by-order clothes. It’s up to me to fit into them, not to buy some orthopedic stuff to get the body into."
August 2011, Vogue. Sweatpants: "Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants."
November 2011, The Independent. Computer sketch software: "You have to know how to sketch. It's not something done with the help of computers. I hate computer sketches because they're all the same."
January 2012, Net-a-Porter. The term "muses": "I hate that word"
March 2012, Harper's Bazaar. Hot drinks (a bit vague as he never says "hate," but the fact that he never drinks them pretty much implies it): "I never drink anything hot; I don't like hot drinks, very strange. I drink Diet Coke from the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed."
March 2012, Harper's Bazaar. Strict routine: "Sometimes I go to La Maison du Caviar, but most of the time I have dinner in the Rue des Saints-Pères house and come home after that. I hate the word routine."
March 2012, Harper's Bazaar. Hurrying for dinner: "What I hate most is when you have to look at your watch and get in a hurry to change for dinner, if you have an important dinner. Every dinner is important; you should never be without a dinner, but this I'm a little tired of. I did a lot of it in my life."
September 2012, M magazine via Fashionista. Sandals and other flimsy footwear: "I hate sloppy footwear. What I hate most is flip-flops. I am physically allergic to flip-flops."
September 2012, M magazine via Fashionista. Other people touching his hands and fingers: "I hate manicures. I do them myself. I'm pretty good at it. I cannot stand someone touching my fingers."
September 2012, M magazine via Popsugar. Waistcoats and suspenders: "I don't like to wear waistcoats very much anymore. I hate to have something on the stomach. And I hate to wear suspenders. I have the feeling I'm wearing a bra."
April 2014, BBC. When men cross their legs and you can see their socks and leg hair: “I like socks, but only up to the knee. I hate nothing more than when men cross their legs, and you see hairy legs, socks and pants – the worst. The worst!”
April 2014, Time Out London. Being called a "workaholic": "I hate that expression."
April 2014, Time Out London. The concept of work vs. a career and life: "I hate the idea of work. Work is when you have a boring job to make a living. That’s work."
September 2014, Women's Wear Daily. Selfies: "And what I hate most in life is selfies."
September 2014, The Business of Fashion. Unprofessional people and amateurs: "I hate amateurs. I hate unprofessional people. There are enough people who can do jobs decently that there’s no reason that people who cannot do them decently [should] pretend to be great at it."
January 2015, The New York Times Magazine. Selfies, again: "I hate selfies," Lagerfeld said. "Don’t use your film for ugly purpose."
January 2015, The New York Times Magazine. Ugly people: "I hate ugly people," Lagerfeld told me. "Very depressing."
March 2012, Women's Wear Daily. Rice: "'I hate rice,'" he said emphatically, recalling a time when he had to eat a rice-only diet for 11 days to recover from an illness. 'After that I could never have rice again in my life.'"
October 2015, T magazine. When people talk to him about sicknesses: "He hates it when people talk to him about their illnesses. (‘‘I’m not a doctor!’’)"
On a positive note, one thing he does love? Chocolate sculptures of men.
If you want more quotable fashion designer insanity, we got you.