Reviewing 2013's Biggest Men's Fashion Trends With The Kid Mero

Image via Complex Original

Red Sneakers

I DON'T LOVE THIS TREND MY PALS. I KNOW THOSE YEEZY "RED OCTOBER" SNEAKERS ARE PROBABLY WHAT CATALYZED MUTHAFUCKAS WEARING ATHLETIC RUBY SLIPPERS BUT I NEVER REALLY ENJOYED SOLID COLOR SNEAKERS B THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER. IF YOU CAN PULL THEM OFF DO YOU BUT MOST LIKELY YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A CORNBALL ALSO YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANNA GET LOCKED UP IN THESE THERE COULD BE GANG RELATED REPERCUSSIONS.

Long Shirts

BRUH IF YOU WANNA WEAR A DRESS JUST WEAR A DRESS. STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH WITH THESE LONG ASS SHIRTS B. FUCK IT FAM ITS 2014 IF YOU WANNA HAVE A COMMUNITY CLOSET WITH YOUR WIFE AND 4 DAUGHTERS JUST GO IN MY NIGGA. LONG SHIRTS ARE A TERRIBLE LOOK UNLESS YOU LIKE 6' AT LEAST…IMAGINE BEING 5' TALL AND ROCKING THIS SHIT? YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A JELLYFISH MY GUY. "OH BUT MERO ITS FOR LAYERING ITS A STRONG LOO--" *SHOOTS YOUR FACIAL OFF*

Rare Hemlines

THIS IS KINDA COOL DEPENDING ON HOW YOU CUT THE HEMLINE YOU FEEL ME? IF ITS TRIANGULAR LIKE THIS HOODIE THAT'S KINDA ILL CUZ THE PEAK OF THE HEMLINE IS POINTING TO YOUR DILZ LIKE "YO CHECK MY DILZ OUT THO MA WHATS REALLY EXCELLENT?" IN ANY OTHER CASE THIS SHIT IS NOT POPPING BECAUSE I DON'T EVER WANNA TALK ABOUT HEMLINES AGAIN B. GUESS WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER? 2 FUN SIZE CANDY BARS I FOUND IN MY COUCH SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MY STRUGGLE.

Gigantic Parkas

DO ANY OF YOU HAVE A BIG BROTHER? SO THEN YOU KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THIS TYPE OF SHIT B. YOU ALREADY OWNED AN OVERSIZED PARKA CUZ YOUR MOMS MADE YOU WEAR JIMMY'S COAT TO SCHOOL WHEN HE OUTGREW THE SHIT. NOW THAT YOU A FULL GROWN ADULT MALE WINGDING WHY WOULD YOU REVISIT THOSE PAINFUL TIMES B? PERSONALLY I'M NOT TRYNA BE OUT HERE ON THE BLOCK CHILLIN DRINKIN BEERS IN WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A SLEEPING BAG WITH SLEEVES. I'LL SHOOT THIS SHIT B HOW COZY DO YOU NIGGAS NEED TO BE?

Visvim

YO VISVIM WAS KILLIN THE GAME IN 2013 EVEN THOUGH THE GUY WHO DESIGNED THE SHIT LOOKS LIKE A CHARACTER FROM COWBOY BEBOP OR SOME SHIT. WHY DO FASHION DESIGNERS TYPICALLY DRESS LIKE DUMB TODDLERS HAVING FUN? YOU DESIGN SHIT THAT MUTHAFUCKAS OBSESS OVER BUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL STYLE IS "HOMELESS SKIIER FROM A VEGAN RESTAURANT ON MARS" ?? THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE MY GUYS. WHY DON'T YOU WEAR THE SHIT YOU DESIGN? IS THAT CORNY? IM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE RULES OF FASHION B. ME AND VIRGIL WENT TO FENDI WITH A LEATHER JOGGING PANT. SHOWS HOW MUCH I KNOW ABOUT FASHION RIGHT? LOLZ

All Logo Everything

IF I WOULDA KNOWN THIS WAS COMING BACK I WOULDA NEVER SENT ALL MY OLD RIDICULOUS GARMENTS TO MY IMPOVERISHED FAMILY IN THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC B. IF THIS IS THE WAVE I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT B. I LIKE SIMPLE CLEAN SHIT LETS KEEP THE LOGOS TO A VERY DISCREET POLO MAN ATOP MY LEFT BREAST AND YOU CAN KEEP THE ALL OVER PRINT ADDERAL SWAG FOR YOURSELF MY GUYS. I SENT MY NBA PATCH JEANS TO MY MOTHERLAND A LONG TIME AGO I DO NOT WANT TO REVISIT THAT AESTHETIC.

Fashion Timberlands

YO I LOVE TIMBS. I WILL DO LOTS OF THINGS IN TIMBS THAT YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO REALLY BE DOING IN TIMBS. LIKE SUCH AS FOR EXAMPLE PLAYING BASKETBALL, HAVING INTERCOURSE AND SWIMMING. TIMBS ARE PICKING UP STEAM AMONGST MENSWEAR NIGGAS WHICH IS COOL OR WHATEVER EXCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR TIMBS WITH A LOW RISE HIGHWATER CHINO PANT, DOGGIE. YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR TIMBS WITH PEDAL PUSHERS MY GUY. WHY ARE YOU PAIRING TIMBS & AN "ALLOVER LOGO" TRENCH COAT WITH A 3/4 SLEEVE AND A PICTURE OF A DICK ON THE BACK? TIMBS ARE THE TRADITIONAL HOOD SHOE PLEASE DON'T RUIN THEM FASHION GUYS.

Cholo Buttoning

WHATS THE MATTER MY GUY? WERE YOU GONNA BE LATE FOR YOUR DOMINATRIX PROSTATE MASSAGE SO YOU FORGOT TO BUTTON YOUR WHOLE SHIRT? CAN WE LEAVE HOOD SHIT IN THE HOOD FASHION DUDES? I KNOW YOU THINK YOU LOOK JUST LIKE LITTLE PUPPET IN YOUR LEATHER BLOUSE BUT YOU DON'T. PLEASE BUTTON THAT WHOLE SHIT AND GO LISTEN TO HAIM IN THE CORNER BY YOURSELF BEFORE I CALL YOUR FATHER (BOTH OF THEM) AND TELL THEM YOU'RE BEING RACIST. CUZ THIS IS RACIST.

High-End Jerseys

WOW LOOK AT THIS OUTWARD EXPLICIT DEFIANCE OF JAY Z B! JAY Z SAID FUCK JERSEYS AND THAT WAS THAT BUT NOW THEY COMING BACK IN CUTS FOR INFANT CHEST MUTHAFUCKAS AND THEY COST 3000 DOLLARS. YOU KNOW HOW MANY THROWBACK JERSEYS I GOT HANGING IN MY CLOSET BECAUSE THEY COST SO MUCH I COULDN'T BEAR TO DONATE OR SEND THEM TO DR? ALOT. I HOPE THIS MAKES A COMEBACK BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO SHOW UP TO A CLUB IN A DARRYL STRAWBERRY JERSEY AND SCOFF AT THE BOUNCER IF THEY DON'T LET ME IN. ALSO R KELLY SAID "WE ON CAMELS, IN OUR THROWBACKS" IN THE "SNAKE" REMIX. I WOULD LIKE TO UTILIZE THAT LINE AGAIN.

2014 Prediction: Kanye x Adidas

KANYE IS GONNA DO A SHOE WITH ADIDAS BECAUSE NIKE TOLD HIM TO GO FUCK A KARDASHIAN. I PREDICT THIS SHOE WILL BE HIGHLY COVETED BUT NOBODY IN THE HOOD IS GONNA GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE THEY AIN'T NIKES. ALSO KANYE IS GONNA GO NUTS WITH IT AND PUT KIMS FACE ON THE TONGUE WHICH IS MADE OUTTA TITANIUM OR DO SOME OTHER OUTRAGEOUS SHIT THAT IS GONNA BE LAME BUT THESE WILL STILL HAVE "SNEAKER HEADS" THAT HAVEN'T TOUCHED A WOMAN SINCE THEY HELD NANA'S HAND TO SAY GRACE AT THANKSGIVING, SALIVATING ON THEIR TINY BONERS.

2014 Prediction: Drake x Jordan Brand

SO ONCE KANYE WENT ON THE RADIO AND SAID HE HATES JEWS AND NIKE, NIKE CONTRACTED A VERY POPULAR JEWISH TO TAKE KANYE'S SPOT AS "RAPPER WHO IS PRETENDING TO DESIGN A SHOE"…MY WIFE IS JEWISH, THEY SHOULDA CONTACTED HER EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T RAP, AND IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU ITS BECAUSE YOU HAVE YET TO GRASP THE INCREDIBLE SPHERE OF INFLUENCE THAT I HAVE RIGHT NOW IN THE GAME (THE GAME BEING FINDING LOOSIE SPOTS IN 2013). THESE GOTTA BE CALLED THE "AIR BAR MITZVAH" AND COME WITH A DRI-FIT YARMULKE OR I'M NOT COPPING. I ALSO PREDICT THAT SINCE DRAKE ISN'T AN ABSOLUTE MANIAC, THIS WILL SELL OUT EVERYWHERE AND NOT LOOK LIKE SPACE AGE BDSM FOOTWEAR.