Reviewing <i>Vanity Fair's</i> 2014 International Best-Dressed List

Miguel Baez

Why do you look like a retired golfer? Oh, oh, oh, your favorite clothing items are Lacoste polos? Are you sure you were a bullfighter at one point? Did you leave behind all that bull murdering style in your past career? I will give you props on the ultra paternal swag though because you are clearly wearing a suit jacket with chinos, which is a classic dad maneuver. Unfortunately, your swagless suede car shoes can't save you from your lack of personality. It's very clear that you manage properties now. I guess it beats getting gored by an angry bull. Buy what do I know? I sit in an office all day.

Victor Cruz

For as obvious a pick as this is, we're cool wit it. Vic, you blend streetwear with high-end shit (which mostly works because you're super rich) and we've got respect for that. Plus, clothes always look good on you because they fit, which is probably due to the fact that you get paid to catch footballs and stay in shape for millions of dollars a year. Respect.

Benedict Cumberbatch

You seem like a pretty cool dude. But Sherlock Holmes would be very snarky about your survey answers, Benny boy. So we'll fill in for him because he is a made-up character. You're kinda basic and your British blood can't save you TBH. Ernest Alexander makes your favorite shirt? Have you ever put anything else on ever? What the fuck, man? You make millions of dollars. Shit, I'll send you couple of my dress shirts as I too am lanky and white. I guarantee you'll like them. Steve McQueen is your style icon? Have you even been on Tumblr lately? UGH, McQueen (RIP always) is so off trend. Your personal brand just tanked.

Idris Elba

Idris, why are you so chill? You might be the chillest motherfucker on the planet. Take your temperature—can't be a lick over 32 degrees. You also might be the most interesting man in the world. Shit, you might be Jesus. Have you considered starting a religion? I'm sure everyone's wives and girlfriends will follow wherever. You're all class, homie *heart eyes emoji*.

Neil Patrick Harris

NPH, if Idris is Jesus, you're like Peter. You put on for the squad, yet don't take yourself too seriously. In classic Barney Stinson fashion, his favorite item of clothing id super expensive and erotic underwear by N2N. I don't fuck with luxury taintwear myself because my goods are not exceedingly valuable, but I understand where NPH is coming from. For a dude that in demand, gotta keep 'em fresh.

Jeff Koons

Holy shit, guys, we’ve reached peak pretension. Not only is Koons' "art" super fucking wack, but so are his answers to VF's hard-hitting #menswear blogging 1.0 questions: Dior Homme, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Tom Ford, Cary Grant. I bet he reads magazines just for the front of book ad spreads and takes photos of himself jacking off all over his Dior suits. That's what his "art" is, assuming you haven't done a precursory Google Image search. Terry Richardson 1.0 over here, ladies and gentlemen.

Henrik Lundqvist

We force the "athletes are stylish" issue way too much, mostly with basketball players, but Henrik is an actually stylish athlete. The suave Swede knows that a leather jacket is key, drops the honey dips to the floor with Bleu de Chanel cologne (but, for the record, is a good dude who doesn't cheat on his wife) and doesn’t really have a style icon, though he does like Frank Sinatra. What a guy. Somewhere out there GQ is mocking up a King Henrik cover.

Eddie Redmayne

Hey man, what about Gosling? He’s so much more stylish in that emerald green suit I bought, but can never wear because I look like a try-hard scrub when I play dress up in my closet. Redmayne is probably the most real stylish young actor though, so no qualms about this pick. He likes Thom Browne button downs, so you know he flexes quite a bit, and calls his dad his style icon. I can't even. That's too cute.

Vito Schnabel

Who even are you, bro? You look like Kramer after a hefty smear of mousse and a comb. But you do have the best job in the world: art curator. There is not better gig than that. It's a straight up public admission that your taste level is so fucking high that you can pick the art for the most luxurious apartments across the land. And while we're on board with the love of Air Force 1s, your favorite store is Turnbull & Asser. Vito, you're simultaneously the best and the worst alive.

Pharrell Williams

Pharell is cool for a multitude of reasons: He found the fountain of youth and doesn't look a day over 28, reps Mark McNairy 'til death do they part and likes to shop at Dover Street Market, which are all internet-savvy power moves. But the combination of that fucking hat, calling Johnny Depp his style icon (dude is 51 years old and wears no less than 15 bracelets on his wrist) and turbo fronting on the fake ass humble tip (calling himself a "student" lmao), he's begun to border on the insufferable. Who do you think you are, Pharrell? We all know you're cooler than us. You don't have to rub it in our fucking faces that you can literally do EVERYTHING. #CancelPharrell.

King of Bhutan, Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck

Technically, Jiggy (that's what we're calling him now) is under the "Originals" category, whatever the fuck that means, but we had no choice when it came to giving it up this literal king of kings. Wow, what a fucking legend.