Image via Complex Original
1.
In the grand scheme of irrelevance, there may be nothing more utterly and completely irrelevant than the MTV Movie Awards, which is kinda, like, the entire appeal, ya know? Why would we be watching an awards show for movies on a network that stands for Music Television? While the fact that MTV barely plays music anymore may directly coincide with the fact that it can get away with putting on an awards show that no one pays attention to, that doesn't mean we weren't on top of things, ready to call out the posers and praise the what amounts to simply the lesser of evils. Unfortunately, there were very few of the latter. I mean, just look at this fucking bullshit. It isn't even an actual red carpet. Of the few real celebrities that showed up, most of them didn't even go in front of the cameras, not that I can blame them. I was watching this bullshit online stream with all these different feeds and a bunch of famous people just rolled up to a nearby parking garage and walked into the venue all covert like rather than get their photos taken. In retrospect, this was the most solid career move of all time. I wouldn't have wanted to show my face here either. While I admittedly have very little integrity remaining, if any whatsoever, this one really pushed me to my limits. So, let's see who had the unfortunate distinction of showing up at the 2015 MTV Movie Awards last night.
2.mtv movie awards lead
3.scarjo
Scarlett Johansson
Let's get this one thing straight, I'm not sure anyone else besides ScarJo could throw on a bubblegum jumpsuit and induce straight DEFCON levels of thirst worldwide, so, yeah, clap it up for Black Widow.
4.jlo
J.Lo
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's some type of advanced cyborg with futuristic anti-aging software that is so far ahead of its time that it makes her age backwards. Either way, she looks so much better here than she did even, like, 10 years ago.
5.schumer
Amy Schumer
The night's host is one of the funniest and crudest women alive. She's not necessarily meant to look glamorous, even though she looks pretty great here. Yes, even as a miniature child's piano.
6.cara
Cara Delevingne
Um, Natalie Dorner called, she wants to fight you to the death for the rights to be the baddest bitch with the short hair on one side look.
7.justice
Victoria Justice
Where do you know her from? Pull from deep within your puberty-era spank bank. You never watched Zoey 101 on Nickelodeon? Um, yeah, totally, me neither.
8.snow
Brittany Snow
The thing about Brittany Snow is that she's obviously good looking. She's technically a celebrity, so it all just works when you're one of the most famous people at an event as pointless as the MTV Movie Awards. Enjoy it, Brittany. This is your moment. See you next year. And, just to be clear, I fucking love Pitch Perfect. Don't get it twisted.
9.woodley
Shailene Woodley
What do we have here? The spiritual successor to Taylor Swift's red carpet looks? Okay, Shailene has a long way to go before she looks as good as Tay Tay, but this is a good start. Wear those pants, girl.
10.MBJ
Michael B. Jordan
Michael B. Jordan and the B is for "BRUH." This is too fucking much. Tone it down, fam. Just because you're the rebooted Human Torch doesn't mean every fit is automatically flames.
11.rebel
Rebel Wilson
Back to my Pitch Perfect stannery. If you have not seen that shit approximately ten times, you have no right to talk any shit because it's a rule that once you start watching, you cannot stop until it's finished. And you already know PP2 is going to slay. Just admit it so we can move on.
12.rata
Emily Ratajkowski
Ah, the main attraction from the uncensored music video for "Blurred Lines" that you almost broke your wrist Googling up after you found out it had boobies in it. Affleck's absolutely banging jailbait from Gone Girl can't lose. Damn, God really put in overtime on her. I mean, if you got 'em, flaunt 'em. BOOBS.
13.amber
Amber Rose
I don't know what to say about Amber Rose because she seems to have almost as many fans as she does haters. And here I am, with little to no opinion on her at all. Okay, here's what I got: Wiz lost and those of us with ears won because this is, after all, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy's thot muse.
14.miles
Miles Teller
Probably the best dressed of the night, no? I mean, it's the MTV Movie Awards, so no one really cares. BUT, if you show up looking like a slob, you definitely lose. And if you show up too fancy, you look like a total fucking herb. This is the perfect middle ground. A life-size Bratz doll on your arm is a push.
15.XCX
Charli XCX
Kind of like Boy George. except with A LOT more acid involved. BOOM! CLAP! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM.
16.the ders
Anders Holm
We cannot slander The 'Ders Gawd because he has read Four Pins more than once. Seriously, peep the timeline.
17.Red foo
Redfoo of LMFAO
Of course he's there. This dude, like, splits his time between MTV award shows and Vegas. But onto the matter at hand. How do we get rid of this guy? He's like a lightskin STD you catch if you fuck will.i.am.
18.plain white ts
Plain White T's
I guess the MTV Movie Awards is where bands I loved in high school can show up eight years later and somehow still get camera time. Sweet. Hey there Delilah, what's it like in relevance purgatory?
19.FOB
Fall Out Boy
Same goes for you, Fall Out Boy. Get back to making music for drunk jocks watching the NBA playoffs and stay out of the way of any and all cameras. There are a real celebrities here we need to look at.
20.bai ling
Bai Ling
Ladies and gentlemen, Bai Ling, human who against all odds is still alive.
21.Jessie J
Jessie J
Ms. J is chill. I remember that time she did all the commercial break singing at the VMAs or something with a broken foot a few years ago. That was pretty dope community service. She can stay.
22.Ruffalo
Mark Ruffalo
Real photographers must have skipped the MTV Awards too because so many shots are from the thigh up. But I can confirm from sources on the inside that Ruffalo was wearing sneakers, so that's cool. He also rode the line of probably being overdressed, but he remains one of the coolest dads in the business so he gets the coveted Four Pins stamp of approval.
23.Fetty and ty
Fetty Wap and Ty Dolla Sign
Here is your best moment of the red carpet. I am so fucking down for this.
24.Screen Shot 2015-04-12 at 10.27.37 PM
Brett Davern
I have zero idea who the fuck this person is, but I would like to state that I am physically incapable of counting the number of buttons on his jacket.
25.abraham
Farrah Abraham
The Teen Mom sensation you may know from her recent porn. You gotta love how MTV is out here furthering careers.
26.MGK
Machine Gun Kelly
MGK is easily our most heavily on drugs, right? Real nice of him to respect the bring your own meth policy.