Shurt Feelings: Volume XVIII

"Shurt Feelings" is an ongoing series in which we make fun of the dumbest T-shirts of the week.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very important message:

This T-shirt is about as cool as all over print wrist guards. Dude looks like he got his ass whooped by a Pantone swatch book.

This validates why these shirts are so terrible. It took unsold piles from six different shitty shirts to cut up and Voltron this pre-shunk cotton calamity. It's hella presumptuous to think we'll just look past the fact that you Frankensteined six terrible things into one king of the terrible things.

Gangsta rap made you do what, exactly? Did it make you become a barista? Has anyone told Geoff that Little Dragon doesn't count as gangsta rap? I have never heard any Juicy J songs regarding non prescription glasses so...

Every time I do this feature I come across some talking T-shirt that makes me re-evaluate whether or not I understand the English language. Dolo is a great name because you will definitely be chilling by yourself saying weird slam poetry shit like "born to be you." That shit sounds like a phrase the crazy dude on the bus whispers in a chick's ear right before he licks his teeth and starts jerking it in public.

Yeah, no shit, Leopold. I bet you woke up like "this." I bet you also woke up smelling like American Spirits with a hangover after you drunkenly cornered someone at a gallery opening and accosted them with all your shitty ideas for zines.

Slow down, Mr. Dazed and Confused. I understand people love Mary Jane, so I can't hate on that, but this horrendous R. Crumb rip off cartoon joint character looks like a fucking a banana, dawgie. You trying to puff on bananas, Peter Pauseyoself?

Selling sneakers on eBay is not trappin', just so we're clear.

What planet do you live on where they still have seeds in weed? It's 2014. Weed is basically digital. Like, even smoking a joint is kind of analog if you think about it. Furthermore, you had to go and BRAG about some crazy extra basic shit. What next level script phrase graphics didn't make the cut?

"AIDS Is Bad"?

"Guns Shoot Bullets"?

"Girls Have Boobs"?

Dawg, you look like a fucking aquarium. Get out of here forever. You look like a Reef sandals surf ad 12-year-olds would beat off to in '98.

Oh look, it's that dude that blows up chick's Instagram profiles at 3am with weird one word comments like:

WANT.

NEED.

WOW.

Putting a leather pocket on a T-shirt is like putting truffle oil on a fucking Pop Tart.