Shurt Feelings: Volume XIX

"Shurt Feelings" is an ongoing series in which we make fun of the dumbest T-shirts of the week.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.

Good god. I stop writing this feature for a few months and come back to just a total T-shirt shit show.

So, if I am following your "art direction" correctly here, you're saying that Bryce is essentially selling raw and powder? Granted, I didn't win back to back Trapper Of The awards, but I'm pretty fucking sure RAW IS POWDER ! Powder turns to rock, which you then...fuck this man. I'm not explaining how crack is made. That's what DatPiff is for. Seriously, why is a dude that looks like he works at an artisan barbershop/cane sugar soda boutique wearing a cocaine shirt that doesn't even actually make sense? The gawd Dick Wolf is not amused.

Ohhhhhhh.

Okay.

That's how you're feelin' today, huh?

You're feelin' like you can just dress yaself like Kevin Hart's on stage wipe towel? I thought the faux leather thing already passed? I haven't even seen an NBA player in a post game interview wearing one of these anymore. So, to say it's beyond dead is pretty damn safe, my dude.

Well, this is just highly inaccurate.

1. You are too afraid to even correctly spell the F word.

2. Even without spelling the full version of that potty mouth word you made it black on black so no one can even read your shit.

Suffice to say, it's abundantly clear that numerous fux are, in fact, being given at the current moment.

Did you know every time a designer uses an emoji as a graphic they chop off a little kid's hand in a third world country? Not so cool anymore, isssssss it?

Okay, fine, that's not really true, but how does the see no evil monkey even work with the "SMH" tagline?

Unless, of course, that monkey is trying to not see this dude's weird ass star/music note ampersand combo tattoo.

Or MAYBEEEE the monkey is symbolical of your non-existent girlfriend that is super embarrassed of you for wearing such a stupid fucking T-shirt. That's gotta be it.

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So, sorry guys! I just fell face first into my keyboard because the blood rushed out of my head when my brain realized how pussy this shirt is.

I'm not a huge fan of Plastisol stripes, but that's not really my issue with this lil number. I just happened to notice that the model was wearing "A SCORE TO SETTLE" gloves. Like, what part of the game did I miss while I was retired from "Shurt Feelings"? You can just wear "You're a dead man, Alonzo!" lookin' ass gloves with long sleeve and no one notices? NO ONE?! W-O-W.

So you're gonna just decorate that gun until it doesn't even work or what? How many fashion accessories can you cram onto that damn thing? Does it have fucking air conditioning too? Now, as far as gun design T-shirts go, it's a BIT flashy for my tastes, but what do I know? I've only been apprenticing in a Juarez Cartel for, like, 2 weeks. Give me some time, dawgs.

DJ Khaled's iPhone home screen wallpaper ass shirts are still a thing? I thought this shit would've been dead by now, but nope.

These kids still doing this design tried and true street formula: exotic animal + that wears jewelry = not having sex with a girl cuz you look like wearable Photoshop

Is this shirt free then? I mean, I don't want cash to ruin your terrible brand either. If cash ruined the ENTIRE industry of music surely a fledgling streetwear brand based in your Aunt's duplex in San Jose is also in danger of being corrupted by cash's cruel curse, no?

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If you want to wear a dashiki (with unfilled facial hairs), just buy the fucking dashiki. No need to beat around the bush. The sheer amount of screen printing techniques it took to make this shirt is WAY more complex than it is to just buy a regular ass dashiki.

Serious follow up question for you: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Dear Crooks & Castles,

Y IN DA FUQ would a statue bust need to conceal its identity? This shit isn't Clue. No one is getting murked in the library with the candlestick. It's a fucking statue. It is incapable of committing crimes. The only crime perpetrated here is graphic design fuckery. Please stop trying to look like Rick Ross' entry way all the goddamn time.