The Hypebeast Comments That Changed The World

As soon as I pitched this piece I realized that I had pretty much just volunteered myself to pilot a rocket ship into the center of the Internet Fuckboi Galaxy.

Everyone reading this already knows what Hypebeast is. It's a website. It has a bunch of content. It covers brands, music, film and pop culture. There's really nothing that unusual about it, that is until you scroll down into the comments. Once you pop into the comments section any human with basic reading and writing capabilities can see that there is no sadder subculture of digital fuckery than Hypebeast commenters.

These dudes are basically coked up 12-year-olds that play Xbox Live, but instead of talking shit about Call Of Duty, they're talking about sneakers. These ignorant trolls are under the impression that their arguments will decide the fate of humanity or maybe even influence the brands in question to heed their superior fashion advice. Out of what is virtually an unlimited supply of wildly flagrant nonsense I found these 15 stand out gems. Be prepared. This is not for the faint of heart. Shit's about to get really real.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.

Have you ever heard someone say "giraffe print"? I mean, really think about that shit. I don't even think Nicki Minaj owns something with giraffe print. Homie's avi answers any doubts I had about whether or not I need to listen to ever this human being. Dude looks like a gold medalist from the 2012 Date Rape Olympics.

Dead.

This one hits you right in the heart. He said the shit "reminds him of old ladiesm" but that it is still a "definant" cop. Watch as I apply this same logic device and show you how ridiculous this statement actually is:

*In my examples I'm going to use the word "definite" not "definant" because GRAMMAR.

"Reminds me of a dude rollerblading in a thong on acid" = still a definite cop.

"Reminds me of my aunt's FUPA (fat upper pussy area)" = still a definite cop.

"Reminds me of a baggy condom" = still a definite cop.

If you printed this comment out and hung it up in the MOMA every art critic in the world and the entire Internet as a whole would call you a genius. Only in a Hypebeast comment thread can you create the variables needed for this perfect linguistical storm to create a masterpiece of this magnitude. This is irrefutable proof of Warhol's infamous "15 minute of fame" theory. It truly is comment perfection.

This is where shots get fired. I went through pages upon pages of this shit and 99% of them made me want to pour bleach down my throat and end it all, but there were a few diamonds to be found within the Great Mountain Of Shit, like the one you see before you.

His life?

It's sick as fuck.

Proof?

Son, he can see the ocean from a seated position. Kill yourself, dawg. He suggests that you reflect on your own actions. He is Mr. Mann—with two fucking N's—miss him with all that broke talk, @Teddy.

I think this shit is almost a legit haiku.

Even if it's not, it would appear that Confucius possibly resurrected himself from the grave and dropped this atomic Internet comment bomb on all y'all. Like, after this dude finished typing this he probably just went into the lotus position and levitated into streetwear nirvana where he was awarded with the gift of losing his virginity.

Welp.

Here it is.

The most perfectly crafted analogy comment of all time ever.

fans of music artist = dick riders

enjoying a cookie = you are fat

How could anyone even argue against such brilliance? From a man named MrLogix no less! Wit da Steve Urkel pic! *Brain explodes into mushroom cloud that is visible from space*

Our mans MrLogix probably bodied the analogy portion of his SAT's with absolute confidence. Shit, my dude probably got hired by the College Board to write them from now on.

I bet you didn't know that Hypebeast comments were a favorite proving ground for some of the world's foremost Tupac tour wardrobe historians.

Tupac wearing a Black Scale t-shirt? Sir, I am now of the impression that you have severe mental deficiencies.

Once again, bulletproof logic from thetroothhertz, guys. Bravo on the use of "caught dead" when talking about Tupac.

Sarcasm.

YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT.

Also, note the very rare zero down votes. No one would dare try to down vote this shit. I was disappointed that Brrrah didn't have anymore comments. He showed such great potential. You coulda been a contender, Brrah.

I blanked out 90% of this dude's very poignant retort to 87STICKUPKID. Spoiler alert: It was primarily comprised of accusations regarding 87STICKUPKID's sexual preferences. But none of that matters because this shit had me dying when I read the greatest phrase of all fucking time:

"FAKE ASS BOOTY GOON"

DAWG, that phrase is the best example of homophobic Tourette's in the history of life.

If I'm following correctly, which, let's be honest, we may never know, you are saying this dude is not a genuine "booty goon"? What are the prerequisites for one to be a "booty goon"? Follow up question: What would be the character traits of a booty goon who is fronting?

See, guys.

It's not all "F-word" this and "ur a virgin" that.

Sometimes—and, mind you, it's not very often—a virtuous knight of streetwear comes in and drops a highly helpful retail tactic missile.

Deaunte fucks with T.J.Maxx and Marshalls.

How else do you think he was able to cop "sweaters" no else will have?

Did you think this shit was a game? Like, you could just cop some ol' extra readily available sweater and no one would notice? Nah, homie.

Deaunte checkmated your whole shit. He just sold you the game. And if you don't know, now you know.

U.O.E.N.O it.

What fucking city do you live in, breh bruh?

Ain't you got eyes?

Not everyone is of Filipino descent.

I wish this dude had tried to use the word "descent" 'cause I would bet the mortgage I don't even have that he would have typed "decent".

My dude just lowered the bar for the entire Internet in one sentence.

I've had people comment some crazy stuff on pieces I've written and not one of them has ever come close to this level of sheer fucking lunacy.

How mad do you have to get to say some shit like this?

This dude's lead in point is refuting the EGREGIOUS claim that Waldo is not of Caucasian ethnicity.

GAWD.

I wish this conversation happened in real life so this could have been a real life conversation. Yep. Exactly.

If you were in the camp that was wondering what Anthony Michael Hall (legendary '80s coming-of-age movie star) was up to these days then, boy do I got some news for you…

He's up in the Hypebeast comments...

And he is FLOURISHING.

This is a very reasonable request. Our boy lucky left is just simply requesting that an asteroid (size not specified) fall through the Earth's atmosphere and crash specifically in the Beaverton, Oregon region. And to be even more specific, he is asking that said asteroid crash into Nike's campus.

Obviously, this request is so that they will stop with this bullshit.

It's just the only way to stop the bullshit, Nike. Sorry.

I had to end with this banger right here.

If there ever was a comment that exemplified every Hypebeast this would be it.

Simple. True. And forever sad.