The Future Of Menswear's Most Popular Archetypes

The winds of trendz blow quickly. One minute you're all hyped off dressing head to toe in Japanese collabo camouflage, the next you're trying to look like a Pyrex'd out Edward Scissorhands with fronts. Everyone changes their style up a bit—it's not illegal. In fact, it's actually quite normal. But with today's one stop shop consumer culture some of you are out here trying to re-invent yourself every season and swearing off your old vibe like you all of sudden turned into Jason Bourne and got trend participation amnesia.

I know you think you'll be buried in that HBA tuxedo, but, let's be real, that shit will just as quickly be replaced once you start getting heavy into some Internet acid cowboy vibe that you got gassed on because of some documentary trailer you just saw on Tumblr. So, imma break down 10 archetypes that dudes be going "full retard" on and then sprinkle a little reality salt into that wound in a effort to help demonstrate why swearing off your "old" style for you "new" style is quite the precarious path to walk.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.

MetroPaul-iton Bunyon

You pomade slathered assholes need to quit acting like there is some big secret gold rush that only you and your mans and dem are in on. I get it, you got sick of that LRG life and decided to get your artisan railworker lifestyle on.

Here's the thing though, once you turn 34 years old, you're gonna stop caring about what pair of boots go with your 48oz. selvedge denim and you're going to put on a pair of Sauconys and a fucking windbreaker because your fashion apathy is now contingent on how much hand ground Somalian coffee you've had that morning. Shit man, eventually you won't even care if you're drinking coffee out of a Coleman steel iron mug anymore. You won't give a single fuck. You'll drink it out of just, like, a regular mug.

Normcore McDonald

I didn't even know this was real until my editor told me. This is an actual ass thing. It's one of those things that is a thing because it shows that you're so in on the thing that you dress a certain way to show everyone you're not into the thing that is definitely a thing.

See how crazy dumb that shit sounds, Braiden? Imagine trying to explaining to your Mom that you are normcore.

Anyone that has enough free time and disposalable income to get involved in normcore activities clearly has never gotten into a fist fight. It's that fucking simple. I'm not saying you gotta be all UFC with your poor life choices, but you can just tell when a dude has never been punched in the face at least once, and anyone that tries to dress awkwardly on purpose automatically has to be cut from that cloth of pure susitude. Dudes that are heavy with this vibe are going to turn toward some extreme opposite that I don't even think exists at the time I am writing this.

TrillHaus

VLL YVLL VSSHOLES NEED TO QVIT! I've yet to feel shook when one of you high-end leather hood priests walks into the spot. We all applaud you for your haunting imagery clothing and it's subtle dope boy decadence, but it's very apparent that most of you dudes are shorter than 5' 5" and never do #TBT posts because it would be a conflict of interest with your current motif.

I'm not 100% sure where Trapper Von Trillhaus will end up next. There's only so many ominous Rottweiler/occult photos on Tumblr to draw inspiration from, so when that well dries up it's going to be a scramble to the next trendzone.

Collabros

There's this idea that streetwear bros are so 2000 and late, but they are actually a very cunning trend species. You could argue that the second generation of streetwear enthusiast grew up and just don't exist anymore, but that's not factually accuratge. Streetwear is like blow: Dudes will vehemently deny using the shit until someone pulls out that Hundreds x Garfield bucket hat and they start getting their little hashtag on.

The funny part about dudes that get heavy into these brands and sneakers is that it actually fries their brand circuitry to the point that if they ever get offered a solid salary gig at some mid-tier agency they start to not care about brands at all. They just wear whatever is free or that they get for Xmas. The other and far sadder scenario is that they cop their first consensual girlfriend and she looks at their lil clothing hobby as a waste of money and makes them eBay their closet arsenal AND all their Kaws vinyl dollies with the quickness. Eventually, she convinces him to put that money towards patio furniture. The bitterness from this scenario also answers the question of how Hypebeast trolls are born. POW POW! Two Staple pigeons, one stone, playurrrr.

Brooks Bruhs

Chet Chaddington and Buff Bagwell bout to hit your summer BBQ in their '80s movie preppy protagonist kit with a vengenace. These dudes have zero qualms about stunting in salmon khakis and multiple woven sweater situations. Their whole Werther's Originals vibe is a bummer at any function. They collect limited edition Maker's Mark bottles like Pokemon cards.

This archetype doesn't ever change. Their shit is evergreen, dawgie. The Zach's of this whole Brooks Bruhs shit don't change anything but their waist size. They get fatter in the waist and face, but they are loyal to the look. They might get less stylish and start tucking in golf shirts in public, but that's about it. They are lifers. And for that I salute them.

Worldwide Web Workwear

A few Internet years back, there was a great trend shift. Many disgruntled streetwear refugees had no where to turn. They were a tribe with no land. Then came a tremendous earth shattering quake of pretentious proportions that realigned the very borders of the trend landscape. Worldwide Web Workwear! If you toil in the rough conditions that are a graphic design boutique, you need clothing mercantiles that provide wares that perform up to the rigors of such mouse clicking labor. It's simple, if your work involved blogs or design, you pretty much need to be dressed like a steezy welder. If you really wanted to stunt though you had to get some workwear from "The Orient" ordered via proxy. That's where actual hard working laborers make workwear for people trying to not work hard labor, but want to dress as such. I know, it's a rather complicated ecosystem.

WWW dudes are still many in numbers and have split into more sects than I can actually list. As to where they will end up, I think that remains somewhat of mystery. They are only loyal to not working hard labor, but they make no allegiance to the "not working hard labor workwear" style. I suggest turning to the guy right next to you in your office and asking him yourself.

High-Fashion Was The Case That They Gave Me

Do you fuck with Gucci loafers and rolled up skinny jeans the color of Skittles? Do you have a leather bag that is too small for a laptop, but bigger than a iPad Mini? Then you're probably a high-end fashion victim. Your bathroom is most likely filled with various cologned lotions that are specific to certain body parts. You have belts that cost more than most dude's entire outfits, but are probably stressing the bill that is coming back from your Audi dealer after your last fender bender.

I got some bad news for you lot: You've entered a self-perpetuating cycle of chasing the high-end fashion dragon. You don't believe me? The fashion house world is more treacherous than Game of Thrones, homie. Them Balmain nikers you bought last year will become passé as soon as Yeezy drops his next rant. The dude has already sworn off Louis Vuitton, which is the fashion equivalent of the Red Wedding. You did not see that shit coming. If you did, please explain your luggage situation. Go on, I'll wait.

Emoji Jones

Salute to all my internetwear souljas! You are no doubt on the front lines deciding which Tumblr approved photo of George Costanza will get sublimation printed all over your next long sleeve tee. #I #FEEL #YOUR #STRUGGLE #MANE

This veritable viral bunch has the world's digital attention right now. All it takes to dominate this lane is for some 98lbs. dude to hit the heart on your custom #ootd and re-blog it to THUGPIZZAUNICORN.LULZ.TUMBLR.COME and you're king shit for a day.

This trend too shall pass. The combined attention span of this trend is wild short. I foresee this entire demographic being gone by summer. By then they'll be on some freestyle Segway riding wave or some shit.

2014 AKA 1996

I'm not sure how everyone got their hands on a Delorean and convinced Doc Brizzle to take them back to 96 when shit was riggety real, but apparently it's 1996 regardless of the actual year. I was actually a teenager in the '90s, so I'm not fully upset about this. I just think it's a bit strange. I mean, during the '90s I don't recall us being hyped to feather our hair and take semi-self-aware photos of ourselves posing like disco album covers. But live and let live.

All you 19-year-olds that never owned a Sega Genesis need to be more damn appreciative of the age in which you actually live. You can watch high-def pornographies anytime you want and will never ever have the experience that was calling a girl's house line and have her Dad interrogate you like The Shield just so you could try and holler at her. I don't think this has anything to do with trends, but my salty 30-year-old man just came out swinging. If you grew chin hair yesterday and are wearing a bucket hat, I'd suggest keeping your head down and quietly listening to your Odd Futures.

Serfs Up!

Living in Seattle kind of prevents me from running into this trendsetting group of semi-medieval serf fashionistos. For all I know, the shit might only exist at New York Fashion Week after parties in lofts with no address that require you to get the Hogwart's spell password from a coked up Italian fashion intern that delvers it to you via carrier pigeon. This group has no issue dropping crazy money on dirty ass looking sheets of hole ridden fabrics. Even King Yeezus dips his toes into this group's sorry ass swimming pool.

Any trend you guys want to switch to is better than this. Straight up. I can't even make up a trend that you guys can jump to that isn't going to be a vertical move for your team. Even Australian Outdoor Dubstep Festival Goer is better than this. Cancer Survivor fashion would be an improved look. Shit, I would even suggest Birthday Party Balloon Sculptor as a possible shift.