I pitched this aritcle last week as a suggestion for an article to the (velour sweat) suits over at Four Pins Corporate and they instantly hit me back with an emphatic "down." Honestly, the fact that they were so down so fast is alarming and probably says a lot about their state of mind. The fact that you clicked this article and are now three sentences in probably says a lot about your state of mind as well. Problem is, since I wrote that proposed headline, I'm actually feeling better about life and could have easily instead written an article entitled: "Most Things Are Fine And Life Is Dece." However, just as Kanye pushed Pusha T to go in to full scumbag mode for his verse on "Runaway," I will now force myself into Blog Goth Mode to deliver you a passable article that relates to the initial clickbait, even if the inherent nature of clickbait #content is to underdeliver, assuming it delivers at all.
Let's start with the "everything is fake" part. Your perception is your own personal reality, but group perception is much more powerful. If someone can convince a large number of people of something (that isn't necessarily real), the group perception makes it real. For example, they keep trying to tell us the Kardashians are banking off their clothing line, but who do you know wearing Dash-A-Wear or whatever the fuck it's called? Furthermore, how did Piers Morgan get his job? Why do we even know the name Piers Morgan? How does Pharrell's "Happy" have so many spins on radio if absolutely everyone hates that song? Clearly, there are forces at work beyond our understanding. "But Robesman," you're probably saying at your monitor, "there are a bunch of really dope things out there that are 100% real!" WRONG. Much like the presence of Scientology in Hollywood, there is a little bit of fake shit sprinkled in to everything. I blame publicists because it's fun to blame people.
We, as humans, keep trying to pull fast ones on one another. It's, like, c'mon, humans, chill.
Your own personal biases will screw things up for you as well. Like, there was that one time my friend and I went to the opening night midnight showing of Battle: Los Angeles. There has to have been a time in your life when your friend made you get to The Club™ early because "it's so popping on Thursdays," and it's completely empty when you get there, no? What about the time you got to The Club™ and "least about an hour you stand on line" *Kanye voice* only to be let into a, at most, quarter-full room? We, as humans, keep trying to pull fast ones on one another. It's, like, c'mon, humans, chill. "But Robesman, I just saw Interstellar and the brothers Nolan told me that a combination of love and Matthew McConaughey will save mankind." Oh word? The same brothers Nolan who told you that BATMAN IS GOING TO SAVE GOTHAM? WHICH IS IT, NOLANS?
Now, moving on to "nothing is tight." You ever notice how the more you look forward to an event, the more stress you feel during said actual event? This leads us to Robesman's Wedding Paradox: A wedding is the best and worst day of a bride's life. Besides the guest list, weddings should be 100% planned by someone else so both the bride and groom can show up day of and just enjoy shit. This will never happen because there are too many variables and too much stress on the third party planner, but I'm just sayin'. This is also why I never really plan out Coachella. All I know for sure is that I'm going to have some Heinekens and be near the Sahara Tent. How are you supposed to not look forward to events that you know are going to be fun in order to avoid feeling stress during the actual event? Personally, I write a bunch of tweets and watch Vine to see what kids are relating to these days. I honestly don't really know. Nothing is tight because you ruin everything for yourself. So, cut that shit out, and also tell me how you were able to cut that shit out. Thanks.
Contrary to popular belief, Robesman is a human being with feelings. You can meet him on Twitter here.
