Celebrities star in movies based on our lives and TV shows that simulate reality, but we’re meant to imagine that offscreen they’re swimming laps in vodka filled infinity pools, while all the women from Maxim’s latest issue serve them toffee popcorn. Stars: They’re just like, only pretending to be us!
But Kanye West’s proposal to Kim Kardashian threw a wrench in the whole machine. And not even a gold-plated wrench, just some totally normal ass wrench from Home Depot or something. Renting out a baseball stadium, getting a symphony to play Lana Del Rey and then removing your girlfriend’s blindfold so she can read the following text on a Jumbotron: “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” This is the scene from the currently-in-production-film Can You Here, Me Now right after Reese Witherspoon quits her telemarketing job at a thinly-disguised Verizon Wireless and the company’s CEO, played by Josh Duhamel in maybe a hairpiece, tricks her into coming to a stadium and proposes. This is not Kim Kardashian’s real life. This is, like, basic.
Kanye claimed in a recent radio interview that, “It was very much a DONDA exercise. I sit with my team of creatives and we’ll say, ‘What’s the best version of this? How can we get this?’” I love the idea that Kanye West requires the DONDA creative team to help him achieve normalcy, and yet it’s clear that no matter how high the level of orchestration, it was all done in the name of catering to Kim’s undeniable basic-ness. Because, try as he might to dress her up in Givenchy and Celine, and blather as he may about what a worthy Vogue cover girl she is, Kanye knows that Kim is capital-B "Basic," and if he wants to be with her, he’s got to go Basic too. Just like how you sometimes have to go to T.G.I.Friday’s earnestly because your girlfriend likes their nachos, or how you’ll wear a totally lamezo sweater she bought you from Banana Republic, or give up smoking even though it means nobody wants to take your fashionz picture now.
And it all raises the terrible, heartbreaking, day-ruining question: When famous people fall in love, do they become...Basic? Are stars in love just like us?
Above, let's review some other stars who, once in love, became totally basic.
Will and Jada
I wish they would just publicly be Scientologists already so that we could all accept that they get their sustenance from eating toilet paper a la Coneheads.
Ozzy and Sharon
When Jack Kerouac tweeted, “The only 1s 4 me r the mad 1s,” he was totally anticipating Sharon and Ozzy. Now, well, that episode of The Osbournes where Ozzy wanders around asking, “Does anyone want a burrito?” and goes to Chipotle five times sort of sums up their entire domestic experience.