Oh boy. When I first saw the new collection of high-fash sporting and lifestyle accessories from Chanel, I nearly shit a black, quilted leather brick. I couldn't believe my jaded, Internet-stoned eyes. Carbon fiber paddle ball racquets? 2.5 pound hand weights with buttery calfskin grips? A fucking boomerang?! All emblazoned with the iconic Chanel double C logo, quilting and oozing with posh, bourgeoisie swag. I suddenly went into a twilight zone of luxury reveries.
I saw myself swishing down the sunny slopes of Aspen on my laminated Parabolic Chanel skis with Shia Lebouf, the two of us cheers-ing mid-run our giant steins of expensive ale.
Then I was touring the French countryside on my hand-built Chanel bicycle with quilted calfskin seat and chain cover, yucking it up with Angelina Jolie who is riding her matching bike beside me and complaining about Brad's many inadequacies.
Me and Peyton (Manning, duh), tossing the black rubber Chanel signature rugby ball. "This isn't a football, you know," Big Forehead (I nicknamed him this because we are besties) tells me. "Course it's not, you fool," I tell him. "Rugby is just so much more chic than football." Peyton tosses me a perfect, 75-yard spiral. I jump to catch it one-handed over Darrell Revis (what a little bitch) and run it in for a touchdown. My celebratory dance is a perfectly executed cripwalk. "Totes chic," says Peyton.
Etc.
There's more, but it just gets weirder. And there are so many amazingly amazing gauche products that rather than list all of the things available here, I thought I might name the rare few that slipped through the cracks:
Life Jacket: Remember, safety first. And nothing is more important than a flotation device when you're charging Class V rapid in your Chanel inflatable raft.
Skateboard: Skaters act like they're grimy street kids, but really they're pushing around in $500 Dior jeans and Rick Owens tank tops, partying with fashion girls at Le Baron and eating Oysters by the dozen. HUGE missed opportunity here, Karl.
Beer Pong: Have you been to college? It's the number one sport there next to recreational drug use and date rape. What are the young and fabulously wasted going to do with a hand-painted Australian wood Chanel boomerang? These kids need to drink more beer and they need to do it in good taste.
Helicopter: I think it's safe to assume that anyone who is going to shell for a Chanel fly rod is probably commuting to work via chopper (I see you Bloomberg). And, yeah, I was thinking the same thing, quilted chopper blades would be dope.
Fleshlight: So label whores can become actual label fuckers.
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