The Four Pins Guide To Turning Down

Lately, everyone seems to be hell bent on getting "TURNT" (See also: up, turnt; turnip; up, turn). But, is it really all that it's made out to be? Is feeling like imminent death an ideal way to spend your Saturday morning/afternoon/evening? Has looking at your text messages from the previous night become a painfully shameful thing to do? Does spending a gratuitous amount of your hard-earned money on low-grade poison the best way to socialize with your friends?

Sometimes, you just need some "me time": an evening free of well whiskey shots and prescription stimulants. You may just need to ask yourself, "Turn up for what?" Here are a handful of helpful suggestions to support your rejection of "wanting to get weird" queries.

Nickolaus Sugai is staying in tonight. Follow him on Twitter here.

Play Sports Video Games

Your team is cursed. They haven't won a title in xx(x) years. There's nothing more heartbreaking than bitter sports defeat. Expectations are raw, homie. But, so is Gregg Popovich. While your coach is managing his roster through conventional means, Tywin Popovich is grooming a Romanian bar back to come in and wet 3-pointers Darron Aronofsky semi-biblical flood style. So, get used to living vicariously through your NBA 2K14 with the Golden State Warriors because the San Antonio Spurs are crushing any hope of a Bae Area #TurnUp for the next 4,000 years, which is coincidentally when Tim Duncan will finally retire.

Start Cooking

Basic anatomy says that the less you eat, the more drunk you get, so the logical answer is to eat more to completely negate any alcohol you may consume. Drinking high levels of craft beer on a full stomach is pretty much not the business, and the last thing you'll want to do after that is rail Adderall and listen to some Diplo. In fact, Staying indoors and hosting a dinner party is scientifically the diametric opposite of turning up. It says you're a cultured individual with a solid network of acquaintances who would love to try your "autumnal sage and truffle oil brussel sprouts."

Steal HBO

Two ways you know you've made it: One, when you can afford Patagonia outdoor camping equipment and two, when you can actually pay for your own HBO subscription. In the meantime, continue stealing that HBO Go password from your former roommate's ex-boyfriend's parents. A proper evening of turning down is easily achieved when you're running an Entourage marathon session.

Wear Basketball Shorts

There’s nothing more comfortable than basketball shorts. Nothing. Not even being nude. Being nude makes me feel vulnerable. Basketball shorts gives the coverage and warmth of Nike high performance cotton and sweat wicking technology. Sweatpants may have started the #cozyboy movement, but they still make your legs really hot if you're sleeping under a blanket. The transition from jeans to basketball shorts remains one of the most blissful and relaxing moments of any day.

Time Travel Back To 2010

Remember chillwave? Chillwave was so chill and legit. Listening to Washed Out brings me back to a place that looks like an Urban Outfitters lookbook, which looks like a youthfully joyous place where like-minded millennials are laughing in an empty field. 2010 was the calm before the storm—before Hurricane Turnip ravaged our land and made sure every commercial targeting the ages of 16-35 was soundtracked by TNGHT.

Get Into Dadcore

Dads love activities. Most of them require getting up at a reasonable hour in order to take advantage of the sun or commute long distances because Dadcore activities require a lot of big empty spaces that urban areas don't offer. Dadcore is comprised, but not limited to: painting the house, fishing, stand-up paddleboarding, looking at maps, reading Ayn Rand novels, watching Liam Neeson films, finding and documenting interesting tax write-offs, listening to music on FLAC, taking Propecia, having ringtones and having separate ringtones for your mom and work. Whatever degree of Dadcore you want to commit to, it will most certainly require you to be sober and alert. The best incentive to not go out tonight is to plan some dadtivities for tomorrow morning.

Settle Catan

Catan lacks a stable government. Catan also lacks a standard currency system, any semblance of infrastructure and a dominant religious deity bias. It features a moderate climate and access to major trade routes. It's up to you whether you go New World, spreading Christianity whilst wiping out an entire group of natives by bringing over disease, or playing it like the cool neighbor who minds their business, but still keeps a good lawn and contributes to the overall well-being of the community. Playing Settlers of Catan is a surefire way to turn it all the way down while practicing the finer points of strategy, swindling and awful business decisions.

Light Some Candles

Getting that first promotion from Junior Strug Squire is tough. You put in the hours, hope your boss notices the "extra mile" and send HR a weekly email that you're overdue for your annual review. Six months later, you finally get it, even though the intern who started after you got it as well. You want to celebrate, but no one makes it past happy hour, so you go home and light a sandalwood artisanal candle that can be converted into a whiskey glass once the wax is burnt through. Nothing says turnt way down like an evening of Diptyque and House of Cards

Actually Cry

Suggestions of things to watch/listen/do that will make you cry, therefore helping facilitate dat next level turn down:

1. "Graduation" by Vitamin C.

2. Kevin Durant's MVP speech.

3. When Forrest Gump asks Jenny, "Is he like me?"

4. The end of Cool Runnings,

5. The many different versions of "Hallelujah," but mostly just Jeff Buckley's.

6. Talking to Oprah about your viral music video.

7. Being Luis Suarez.

8. Being an actual infant with no communication skills to verbalize your physical needs.

Sext

Actually talking to girls is a bummer/pretty scary. It requires a lot of effort and little to no reward if your swagginess levels are anywhere from the letters A through O. The only safe vantage point to communicate with potential shorties is from the comfort of your own bed. From there, you're warm, you don't have to drink alcohol to lower your inhibitions and, most importantly, you don't have to spend any money. Make sure you invest in a proper bedside lamp to enhance your vacant gaze/furrowed brow Snapchat selfies to potential Tinder thottys.

Sleep (Alternate: Die)

Sleeping remains nature's ultimate turning down solution. For eight blissful hours, you are completely ignorant of the previous level shit your friends are doing. No drunk calls, no incoherent text messages and no awful music. Death, albeit a bit extreme, also works. It's unquestionably the best way to achieve that perma-turnt-down zen master state we've all been building towards.