The Four Pins Guide To Fighting

Mindless fighting is part of our culture here in the United States. It's as American as apple pie or being shitty to Native Americans. From coked out pro wrestlers like Macho Man Randy Savage, to coked out boxers like Mike Tyson, to coked out Civil War generals like Ulysses S. Grant, Americans have never been able to turn away the chance to see a dude's face broken in half—not deep down in their heart of hearts, at least.

Luckily, I have good news on this front. Remember that movie Road House? You know, the one where Patrick Swayze plays the toughest bouncer in the country and he spends whole movie beating the shit out of dudes and ripping their throats out? Well, by following these 20 simple steps, you won't be able to do any of that shit, but you will know the basic principles of starting and finishing a fight, which, if it isn't obvious enough already, is the best way to resolve any and all conflicts. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? Use your fucking words? LOL that super lame.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

Step 1. Spill Your Drink On Someone

Clubs and bars can be crowded. Sometimes there's just not enough room for two dudes to walk past each other at the same time. That’s why if you see another fool walking in your general direction you need to step in and assert your alpha male status by clumsily knocking into him and getting your alcoholic beverage all over him.

Step 2. Escalate The Conflict Unnecessarily

Even though it was totally your fault, blame him for the collision. If he tries to make amends by buying you a new drink, refuse the offer like it's a shitty consolation for the original drink that he's wearing. Disregard any reasoning that it's the exact same drink.

Step 3. Take The Low Road

Being sensible is a sign of weakness. Make sure that you NEVER be the better man and walk away. Instigate a completely unreasonable, but totally awesome conflict by yelling something like, "Do you think this is a fucking joke?"

Step 4. Puff Out Your Chest And Raise Your Arms Like Christ The Redeemer

Puffing your chest out and raising your arms like Christ The Redeemer is the bar fight equivalent of a hooded King Cobra cocked back, ready to strike a mongoose. This will let your opponent know you mean business and intend to fight. If he accepts this gentlemen's challenge, he will reciprocate with his own puffed out chest and arms raised like Christ The Redeemer.

Step 5. Take Off Your Shirt

Fights often involve a great deal of physicality. You wouldn't want your shirt to rip when you—for example, and I'm just spit-balling here—bend over in a sweet atlas pose, would you? Of course, you could always just rip off your shirt like Hulk Hogan because that shit looks awesome.

Make sure to flex your pecks the whole time and act like you totally aren't doing it on purpose because that's just how good they look.

Step 6. Have Your Boy Snap A Sweet Pic of You Without Your Shirt On

You should never start a fight for the sole purpose of getting a no-shirt action shot. That being said, if you happen to be shirtless and ready to throw hands, it probably wouldn't hurt if one of your homies catches you in a Kodak moment that you can post on social media. Just saying #BradPittFightClubAbs.

Step 7. Repeatedly Yell "COME AT ME, BRO!"

Making the first move in a fight can be awkward and tricky, like intercourse between two panda bears. Taunt him with the time-honored taunt of, "COME AT ME BRO!" in order to force his hand.

If he does in fact come at you, take a few steps backward and continue to tell him to "come at you" as if he didn’t already.

Step 8. Get All Up In His Grill

Maybe you'll kiss, maybe you won't. Your call.

Step 9. DMX Bark

X is the hardest rapper of all time, so if you bark like him that'll make you the hardest drunken brawler of all time, right? That's how math works, I think.

Step 10. Push Him

Okay, time to get serious and assault a motherfucker. Push him once quickly and then walk back into the ranks of your boys to avoid further confrontation. Shit's wild now.

Step 11. Make Sure Somebody Yells "WORLDSTAR!"

It isn't a proper fight unless there's somebody filming the event on his or her phone and announcing their allegiance to the biggest hardcore street brawl/Ninja Turtles video magnate on the Internet. This is the official signal that the fight is on.

Step 12. Have Your Boys Hold You Back

Note: If your boys don't hold you back on their own, you may have to prompt them by saying, "Hold me back, bro!" as if you're such a white hot loose cannon that someone might get regretfully hurt if they don't.

Step 13. Knock Over An Innocent Bystander

While you are pretending to get free from the gasp of your boys' loving arms, make sure you smoke a random biddie in the jaw and send her drink flying all over the place. She may approach you angrily, but ignore her. You've got bigger fish to fry. I mean, this is the fucking guy who knocked over your drink, after all.

Step 14. Talk About Your Cousin Who Just Got Out Of Prison

Sure, your cousin was only in jail in the first place because he got caught selling fireworks illegally, but this guy doesn't have to know that. Tell your opponent that your cousin is going to "come down here and deal with you," and that tomorrow they'll find you floating in the East River. Belie dat.

Step 15. Mention How The Streets You Grew Up On Were Harder Than The Streets He Grew Up On

"Bitch, on my street we didn't even have full-time access to golf carts. We had to walk the course on foot like Moses through the desert. I was a true hustler."

Step 16. Point Out Flaws In His Physical Appearance

You: Hey, nice acne scars, bruh.

Him: What the fuck, man? I've got lupus.

You: Wait, like Seal? Shit, bro. My bad.

Him: It's cool.

You: I'm sure it's been hard growing up with a disease like that in a society that judges individuals based on their appearance. You must be a pretty brave person.

Him: Well, at least I have solace knowing that we can start a conversation about the issue in a civilized manner and thus, perhaps, grow as a society.

You: Respect. Um, cool hat, fag. LOL

Step 17. Call Him A Pussy For Not Hitting You

Even though you didn't hit him, he's a total puss for not hitting you. Make sure he knows it as your respective camps are still in the act of perpetually pulling you away from the conflict.

Step 18. Storm Away And Break Inanimate Objects

You have a lot of pent up testosterone left in you and you're too much of a child to cope with it in any rational way. Find the closest parked car and head butt one of the side mirrors until it falls off because fuck the guy who owns that car even though you've never met him.

Step 19. Lie And Tell Everybody That You Kicked The Shit Out of Him

Play the metaphorical lute and be the bard of your own heroic conquest. Explain to everyone you meet that you successfully stood up for a lady in need and defended her honor against a scumbag who you promptly sent to the hospital. If the guy is still around, make sure you yell in his direction, "You trying for seconds?" even though you had no intention of ever giving him firsts because he's, like, twice your size and he could murder you. Holy fuck, what were you even thinking, man?

Step 20. Leave Feeling Accomplished

Congratulations! You've just completed what was most likely your first fight. Now you can remind your buddies about that time you got in a fight literally any time someone brings up anything even remotely related to fighting. Just like George W. Bush once said, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."