The Swagless Guy's Summer Survival Guide

If you're some Theodore Twombly looking motherfucker, then you've come to the right place. There's a war out there and I'm here to be your personal guide through the terror. If you want to survive the summer in lame ass America then shut the fuck up and do as I say. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I’m from Cape Cod. I've seen some shit.

Get ready to bust out your boat shoes and chug some Bud Light Lime! Before you know it, you'll be doing whatever the swagless equivalent of doing PCP with Denzel Washington in a police cruiser is. Your mind is gonna be blown so bad, people will call you Oberyn Martell (Game of Thrones joke). Keep up, champ.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

Use Ample Sunscreen

It's a bush league mistake to get weak ass sunblock. Makes sure the SPF is in the hunnits. Once you've got the right equipment, go H.A.M. with your application. If you're not globbing that shit on your nose, then we're not friends anymore.

Step Your Footwear Game Up

Socks on sandals on socks on sandals on socks on sandals.

Last summer some motherfucker stepped on my socks and sandals, tryna scuff my shit and I sent him to the hospital. I ain't afraid to go back to prison.

Cop A Schwinn

Blue, yellow, lime green. it don’t matter none. Ladies love it when you're slangin' your banana on that banana seat.

And get out of my face with this Huffy bullshit. What are you? Five years old?

Hydrate

If you're gonna’ pass out, it best be from getting shit housed on Cranberry Mike's Hard Lemonades and not from being dehydrated. Water's got, like, barely any calories. Don't be a bitch.

Wait 30 Mins To Swim After Eating...

...THAT PUSSY!

And also those brats your uncle Doug grilled. I'm not 100% sure he cooked them all the way through. That could be bad news.

Wear A Shirt While Grilling

Uncle Doug's chest looks like the Hound's face (another choice Game of Thrones joke) because he thought the dress code was McConaughey casual at the Fourth of July BBQ. Put on a T-shirt, man.

Damn it, I should have said his chest looked like Kevin Spacey from Pay It Forward. I had my chance and choked under pressure. Get it together, Rimer.

Avoid The Guy Swimming In Jorts

I don't know exactly what it is, but something just doesn't sit right with me when I see a dude in jean shorts in the water. It's like, what are you hiding, bro? Probably a gun in your huge Phat Farm pockets.

Put Your Phone In A Sandwich Bag At The Beach

A sandwich baggy is useful for keeping your mobile device sand free when you are too much of a little bitch to talk to the girl in the green bikini and decide to just stalk her on Facebook instead.

Also, drugs.

There Are Sharks Everywhere And They Are Going To Kill You

It'd be pretty easy to be on Shark CSI. Like, I don't think they could make a Clue: Shark Edition.

"Oh my god, who killed Mister Boddy?"

"Yeah, it was the shark in the ocean with the shark."

Oh wait, so that's why the guy in the jean shorts was packing heat. It all makes so much sense now. Well played, definitely obese guy.

Be Wary Of Ticks

Ticks be all like, "Sucky sucky, five dolla." (All the ticks in my hood are apparently Vietnamese prostitutes from the '60s). Seriously though, ticks are the fucking worst. Get rid of those bloodsuckers before they take all of your money like my ex-girlfriend.

Don't Run By The Pool...

...Unless the cops show up, in which case, SCRAMBLE!

I USED THE SANDWICH BAG FOR DRUGS!

I WAS JUST KIDDING BEFORE. I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO JAIL!

Always Be Shirts In Pick Up Basketball

Other Basic Rules:

1. Shoot only fade away jumpers and ridiculous skyhooks that miss by at least a minimum of 10 feet.

2. Wear a T-shirt underneath your tank top.

3. Always talk about how good of a hustle everyone has been laying down on the court.

Practice Proper Boat Maintenance

And by that I mean, pay somebody else to take care of your boat for you.

Snow Cones, Motherfuckers!

Although you always see them paired together, snow cones make Italian ice look like hot garbage. Italian ice is Art Garfunkle to the snow cone's Paul Simon. It's like, "Aww, Italian ice, that's cute. Excuse me while I go be an adult and eat my snow cone." If you want to survive this summer, you best get your hands on them while they're hot, which is an idiom, so don't take it literally.

Use The Buddy System

Keeping tabs on your boy is not only a great way of making sure he hasn't drowned/been eaten by sharks, but also useful when trying to avoid an R. Kelly and Usher "Same Girl" scenario. Really, it's a solid game plan all around.

Practice Firework Safety

If you blow your hand off with fireworks, how are you going to uncomfortably wave at people you don’t like? Stumped you there, didn't I? Better stick with sparklers, guy.

Don't Buy From Devon At The Vampire Weekend Concert

That guy's a huge dick. He sold me bad stuff. Talk about weird vibes during "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa." I could literally hear Ezra Koenig's hair growing.

Keep Your Bitch On A Leash

Your dog, that is. Leash laws are no laughing matter, guys.

For further reading see: Korn's seminal jam, "Freak On A Leash." That song is about leash laws, right?

Drive Like An Asshole

Summertime means vacation time. It's pretty likely that, at some point, you're gonna be a stranger in a strange land. While traversing an unfamiliar area, it is your civic duty to disregard all basic traffic rules and human safety at every chance you get. Make sure that you're a complete ass hat when you're trying to find that Santander ATM in order to get money out to buy a camera to take pictures that you'll never look at again in your life. The locals are totally cool with that, don't even worry about it. Like, seriously, just drive 20 in a 50 for like five miles, take up both lanes and go the wrong way around the rotary. It's no big at all, dude. It's your vacation. LIVE. IT. UP.

Engage In Aloe Bukkake

Yo, let's face it, you're gonna get sunburned. While you were taking those Cranberry Mike’s Hard Lemonades to the face, you forgot to reapply your sunscreen and now you look like a the mascot of a D.C. football team that Congress is super pissed at right now. As soon as you get home, you best squirt that aloe all over your face and body until you hate yourself...I mean, until it doesn't burn anymore. Uh, sorry, that was weird.