The <i>Mighty Morphin Power Rangers</i> Reboot Dream Team

The '90s were weird. Pepsi was clear, Shaquille O'Neal was a movie star and fat chicks were giving blowies to saxophone-playing world leaders. However, one of the strangest products of the '90s was the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Something about "teenagers with attitude" that fight giant cosmic demons (and are also color coordinated by race) really struck a cord with the American people.

I witnessed this anomaly first hand, most notably when I jumped off the stairs and karate kicked my Cocker Spaniel in the face because I thought I was the Red Ranger. Also, I'm pretty sure my mom got in a fight with a Portuguese lady at Toys "R" Us over the last Green Ranger action figure. One of them curb stomped the other while screaming, "KING KONG AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME!" I won’t reveal who it was, but let's just say I got the toy I wanted. Thanks, mom.

Recently, it was announced that Lionsgate is going to be producing a new Power Rangers movie. Naturally, I felt it was obligation to provide my expert opinion on the matter and come up with a dream team cast and crew. Because this is Lionsgate, the studio famous for the Saw and 300 movies, I am working under the assumption that this film is going to be gritty as fuck and Rated R. Just please God, no Zak Snyder.

P.S. I'm going to try not to sound racist. No promises though.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

Daniel Day-Lewis as Jason/Red Ranger

First off, let me address the elephant in the room: Daniel Day-Lewis is a little bit too old to play a high schooler. I'm well aware of this, but frankly I don't care.

I just want to see Daniel-Day do his famous hardcore method acting and transform into a teenager from 1993 who fights evil space witches with karate on the side. He'd end up spending the sixth months before production undercover at a high school and he wouldn't break character until the film wrapped.

"You're a bastard in a basket, Zordon! A bastard in a basket!"

I need Daniel Day-Lewis and I needed him yesterday.

Denzel as Zack/Black Ranger

Give it up for Zack, the black guy who's good at break dancing and basketball! Radical! Oh wait, what? Wow, this all seems super racist in retrospect.

It’s cool though, Denzel knows how to kick racism in the dick. He played the coach in Remember The Titans and Malcolm X. And, like, Malcolm X beat racism and now its over, I think. Something like that.

Sean Penn as Billy/Blue Ranger

Billy Cranston was nobody's favorite Power Ranger. Luckily, Sean Penn is nobody's favorite actor either, which is why he's perfect for the role. Sure, he's won some Oscars, but he's also super smug about his charitable activism. It's like, you can rescue people from drowning right after Hurricane Katrina, but do you have to rub it in our faces? That's some Billy Cranston 101 shit.

Lucy Liu as Trini/Yellow Ranger

Not gonna lie, Lucy Lu made this list by default. I straight up couldn't think of another Asian actress in the game today. This lady's got a monopoly on all female Asian characters in North America. And don't act all high and mighty, you can't think of another Asian actress either, so suck my dick.

Kate Winslet as Kimberly/Pink Ranger

When I was a little kid I had a crush on the Pink Ranger. And by "crush," I mean I wanted to see her boobs. Well, maybe Kate Winslet can finally help my dream come true. She has whipped out her tits in literally every movie she has ever been in. That isn't an exaggeration either. 100% factual.

Rick Owens as Tommy/Green Ranger

Actually, I'm pretty sure he played the Green Ranger in the original show, right?

The Guy Who Plays Varys On Game of Thrones as Zordon

Zordon is the guy that lures kids into his house, tells them to dress up in costumes and makes them promise not to tell anybody about it. Wait, that can't be right, can it?

"It'll be our little secret, okay. Now sit on my giant floating intergalactic face."

P.S. The original Zordon was just unused footage of Marlon Brandon in Apocolypse Now, right?

Dustin Hoffman as Alpha

Alpha is the Rain Man of robots. He's good at counting, he's easily taken advantage of and he's probably autistic. Watch your ass, McConaughey, Dustin's coming for the throne.

The 2013- 14 Los Angeles Lakers as The Puddies

For those of you who don't know, the Puddies are the evil henchmen of the show's villain and they each straight up look like the Greendale Human Being from Community. So why are the Lakers perfect? They run around like morons and get dicked on by their opposition. This one is a no-brainer.

Sarah Jessica Parker as Rita Repulsa

She's the most evil, inhumane, disgusting woman in the universe! I'm talking, of course, about Sarah Jessica Parker. Who did you think I meant?

Brett "The Hitman" Hart as Goldar

Naturally, my first choice would have been the late Macho Man Randy Savage, god rest his soul. That being said, Hitman Hart is a respectable alternate. As long as Goldar is played by some coked up, steroid drunk meathead who can knock the teeth out of the Megazord, it'll be fine with me.

Warwick Davis as Squatt

Peter Dinklage has been stealing the spotlight from Warwick Davis lately and it's flat out bullshit. Warwick Davis was in goddamn Willow. If anyone is going to play Rita Repulsa’s space troll/little person crony, it's going to be Warwick.

Jean-Claude Van Damme as Lord Zedd

Lord Zedd is a swole ass dude. I'm talking mass for days. My go to muscle guy used to be Jean-Claude Van Damme, but he hasn’t been in the game for years, or so I thought. Then, I saw that split he did between two moving 18-wheelers. Are you fucking kidding me? That's one bad motherfucker. Close the auditions. Game. Set. Match. #LordAbs.

Bulk and Skull [Parts Removed]

This is a gritty ass reboot and gritty ass reboots have drug use, sex and a fuckton of moral ambiguity. There's absolutely zero room for slapstick comedy and fat guy jokes. Maybe if the characters were rewritten so that Skull is a drug addict who steals money from his child's college fund to pay for uppers and Bulk is a down and out cop who tries to put his life back together after killing someone in a drunk driving accident, then maybe we can talk. Until then, these two are fucking out.

Horatio Sanz as Ernie

Who better to play the fat guy that nobody cares about than a fat guy that nobody cares about? Since his SNL days, Horatio Sanz has been MIA from acting. This could be his big break. Or, more likely, it will ruin his career when it flops because it's going to be terrible. This movie was a huge mistake, guys. I'm sorry.

Directed by Stephen Soderberg

Time to pull out the big guns. Critically-acclaimed director Stephen Soderberg can direct any type of movie. From indie art house films to big Hollywood blockbusters, this guy has done it all. His incredible versatility has resulted in him being dubbed a "stylistic chameleon" by critics. If he could remake Oceans Eleven, who's to say he can't remake Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?

Score by John Williams

Nobody does it like John will.i.am.s. This dude drops dirty scores and then goes home and fucks the prom queen. True story: My nipples get hard when I hear the Jurassic Park main theme. Do with that information what you want.

Just imagine the "Go-go Power Rangers!" theme song performed with a 100 piece orchestra. J. Will is hot fire right now.

Screenplay by David Mamet

I think we can all agree that the original Power Rangers dialogue was amazing. Although, if '’m being totally honest, I feel like it was a little exposition heavy. Like, sometimes the characters would talk about what was going on as it was going on. The bad guys would be all like, "Bahaha! I’m destroying the city!" Yeah I know, dude. I can see you doing it. Also, who are you talking to?

David Mamet would know how to tighten things up because if there's one thing the Power Rangers need, it's more dialogue about real estate leads.

Cinematography by Roger Deakins

The original program was filmed on VHS and looked like total dogshit. That's why we need cinematic genius, Roger Deakins to class this motherfucker up. I'm talking dramatic silhouette shots, shadows, cranes, tracks, smoke and candle shots, etc. He'll take you home, deep focus you and then disappear never to call you again because that's what Roger Deakins does.

Stock Footage c/o Battle Royale

The original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers featured reused stock footage from the Japanese television show Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger. In fact, it attributed for, like, half of the show's entire runtime. If they're going to use stock footage for this movie, it has to be something awesome. That's why I decided to choose another beautiful piece of Japanese cinema: Battle Royale. It's a pre-Hunger Games film about a bunch of 8th graders forced by their government to murder each other on an island with guns and samurai swords. It has nothing to do with the Power Rangers, but neither did the show's original stock footage, so fuck it.

Mel Gibson as The White Power Ranger

Whooaaaa! I did not mean to say that. Like, that's not who I am. I voted for Obama, okay. I mean, was there really a White Power Ranger? This show is horrible. Somebody should write a letter to the producers or something. I'm thinking about starting a campaign to get the movie cancelled before it even starts filming. Who's with me?

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