The Four Pins Guide To How To Do Sex Good

So, there you are, you've brought a new girl home for the night or maybe even got taken home. Things are progressing smoothly and you decide to lay down some moves. You think you know what you're doing, but—newsflash, bro—ya don't.

The scientists here at the Four Pins labs (read: me, alone in my shitty apartment) are at it again and this time we're aiming to help improve you sex doing game. We've run some simulations, calculated some numbers and discovered some shocking results unlike anything you've ever seen before. The following is a step-by-step guide aiming to teach you the proper way to put your penis in her vergina. Vergina? That can't be right. Hold up, let me check my notes real quick. Yep, that looks about right. Moving on...

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

Touch Her Boobs

The first measure in pleasuring your lady is to touch her boobs with your hands. A common rookie mistake is to be gentle with the boobs, but in fact, awkwardly groping them is often the best course of action. Feel free to explore the rest of her body too, but specifically, like I've already mentioned, BOOBS.

Bonus Points: Make honking noises.

Climax Immediately

The excitement from all that boob grabbing will almost certainly lead to you ejaculating in your pants (known in the scientific community as "cream jeans"). This is perfectly okay. Just pretend like nothing happened. If she asks what the wet spot is, just tell you spilled your drink earlier in the night.

Tell Her To Hold On While You Get It Up Again

You've gotta keep her wanting more. Don't give her the hog too quickly. Keep it coy. Let her teeter on the edge of her seat by closing your eyes, telling her to be quiet and muttering motivational phrases creepily to yourself.

Put It Through Your Fly

Let's face it, your downstairs is a straight up trainwreck. As soon as your manhood is working again, slip that bad boy through your fly. This way, you will be able to conceal your indecency and still let your wiener be available for the sex. It's the best of both worlds and, before you know it, you'll be intercoursing like a pro.

Make Loud, Uncomfortable Noises

This one I learned from the guy in the apartment adjacent to mine. Simply bang on the walls with your fists while screaming at the top of your lungs. Unleash your primal side in the form of a deafening sea lion belt. Who says deep, furious moans are only for women?

Get Completely Naked, But Leave Your Socks On

Eventually, your partner will express that she feels totally uncomfortable with the whole jeans situation. Time to face the music and take off your pants. It's strange and terrifying, but you're still alive. She might seem disappointed by your weird, lumpy body, but she's actually just playing hard to get. It is important, however, that you always keep your socks on. How else are you going to rub your feet along the carpet and zap your girl with your finger? I believe this age old move is called "the shocker."

Role Play

Roleplaying is one of the best ways to spice things up in the bedroom. It allows both you and your partner to assume identities very different from your own. For example: Pretend to be a guy who has a big dick, while she pretends to be a girl who is actually getting pleasured.

Ball Play

Everybody knows that women love balls. After you've bung (past tense of bang) your lady for some time, it's time to graduate to ball play. Remember the golden rule: If you never get that lump checked, then you don't have cancer.

Flip Things Into A Ménage à Trois

At this point, things will be starting to really heat up. If your girl is down for it, enlist the help of another partner—perhaps an old flame or a new flirt. Or, in the likely event that all of the girls in your phone are appalled by that proposition, resort to your backup plan and do it while the cat watches. Trust me, Senator Snugglesworth is into some sick shit.

Watch Some TV

Suppose your lovemaking sesh is taking longer than you had expected, and your girl is starting to get bored. What do you do? The answer is simple: Turn on the television. Set your slump buster up with a nice episode of Law & Order to distract her from the fact that you're ramming your "Dick Wolf" into her "Special Victims Unit."

Re-Apply Your Musk

When she's not looking, and she will be looking away in disgust a lot, trust me, take advantage of the opportunity and reapply a hearty haze of musk. Where regular stick deodorant has its limitations, some musk allows you to emerge from a mist like you're Cary Grant's "special" grandson.

Lose Your Erection Again

I mean, it happens to plenty of guys. It's okay. You've just been really stressed out lately, that's all. Plus, not all is lost! You can always try to jam it back in like a bag of applesauce through a keyhole.

Blame Her

Your blatant performance anxiety is obviously her fault. She wasn't doing it right. Make sure she knows this by irrationally yelling at her and calling her misogynistic names. Women like a man who is in charge. Show her who's boss.

Cry

Show your sensitive side by breaking down into tears while still in the nude. But don't stop there. Take it one step further by trying to speak, but gasping for air so aggressively that your words remain indecipherable.

Apologize

Use apologizing as a way to talk dirty. Say naughty, self-degrading expressions like, "I'm such a fucking piece of shit," and, "I'm such a worthless fucking idiot. I should just kill myself," while, all the white, still sobbing uncontrollably. That'll surely tap into her surpressed sadomasochistic side.

Tell Her About Your Ex

This one's my own personal secret. There's nothing a lady loves more than a man talking about his old girlfriend when he's at his most vulnerable. To optimize your results, make sure you compare the two of them, never distinguishing who is the better person.

Tell Her You Love Her

Sure, you met her three hours ago at a Denny's, but she let you have sex with her, so that means she's the one. She'll say, "Don't be ridiculous. No you don't," but this is just a test. Repeat your confession of love again and again until she embraces you with passion and/or asks you to leave.

Dry Heave

All of this hot and steamy lust has your stomach in knots. Gag violently over a small trash can for at least 20-30 minutes. Just make sure you don't actually puke. I mean, you're not a fucking animal after all.

Call Your Mom To Pick You Up

After a successful night of getting nasty, it's time to head home, assuming you're not back at your place. If you're a stranger in a foreign land of passion, get on the phone and dial mom dukes up. That bitch will drive you home, fix you some warm milk and tuck you into bed. And, usually, she's pretty good at hiding the fact that she's disappointed that you'll never give her grandchildren.

Jerk Off To Her Facebook Pics

Just when you thought the the fun was over, you realize that your new friend hasn't blocked you on Facebook yet! The night is still young, my friend!