The Four Pins Guide To Funeral Swag

Some say death is the ultimate equalizer. But what if some people are better at death than others? Maybe there are those of us out there who bring death to the next level. I'm talking about funeral swag, son.

Think about your last funeral experience. Did you even get your D wet at any point during or after the ceremonies? See, that's your problem right there. You probably didn't even think you could get laid at a funeral. Well, as long as you're a shitty person, you can. You just have to be ambitious. You have to think outside the box—the coffin, if you will. You have to have the right swag. By following the following 20 simple steps, you too can will learn the art of killing it at a funeral, and maybe even become the one true funeral based god/the worst person ever.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

The Right Suit

Who says you have to wear black at a funeral? To make a statement, you need to embrace your inner Pablo Escobar and show up at the party with an all-white coke lord suit. This power move will assist you in asserting your dominance over the rest of the male funeral patrons.

The Right Shades

Most people wear sunglasses to a funeral to hide their tears, however, you're a sketchy motherfucker so you'll probably be using them to hide your cocaine eyes. Make sure they are dark and never take them off.

Make A Fashionably Late Entrance

The first stop on your journey is the wake. Make sure you come long after kickoff. Only squids show up on time. You don't want to look desperate. If you arrive casually late, it'll seem like you just came from another funeral because you're just that cool.

Talk To The Right People

Nobody wants to make small talk with the family of the dearly departed—total boner killing Debbie Downers if we're being honest. After talking with them it's like, "I don't even want to exploit your suffering for my own personal gain now. Forget it." Instead, make it seem like you belong by talking to an old guy who doesn't know where he is.

Be On Point With Your Floral Arrangements

Don't get caught looking like a chump with a little bouquet. Tell the rest of the funeral goers that you're playing for fucking keeps with a ten foot tall praying hands arrangement. Secure your position as the flower overlord of the service.

Change The Music

Nobody wants to listen to "Ave Maria" at the wake. Plug your mp3 player or phone into the funeral home stereo system and make the ladies wet (I mean this in a sexual way, not, like, their tears) by ripping some Peter Gabriel, Prince or Nelly to really get the party started.

Stand At The Casket

Don't kneel for NOBODY. "Oh, you're dead? Bish, I don’t know you. I crashed this shit. Get off me. Plus, dead bodies are gross. I'm fine right where I am, chief."

Make Your Mark In The Guest Book

Be the first at the guest book and sign your John Hancock like a person of importance. Use up half a page and maybe even include a number like you're a professional athlete signing autographs. This way, everybody is going to think you're a celebrity. Reinforce this idea throughout the day by saying things like, "I like to give back," and, "It’s nice to finally get away from all the flashing lights and spends some time with some real people for a change."

Get A Spot In The Limo

The next stop is in your odyssey is the funeral mass. Show up to the church in style by riding with the family of the dearly departed in the sick limo they rented for the occasion.

"What's that? Immediate family only? I am immediately affected by this tragedy because this dead motherfucker was like family to me. Oh, he has a name? Yeah that's totally what I said. I did too know your husband. Okay, frankly Carol, you're being kind of a bitch about this whole thing, so why don't you come on down off your high horse and let me in the fucking limo. Also, is the champagne free, or nah?"

Bear Dat Pall

Show off your swole by volunteering for casket furniture moving duty. That dead jamoke is heavy as fuck though, so find a spot in the middle where you can just pretend you're lifting. Don't try to be a hero by taking it from the front and never get the back because you're not a child.

Ditch The Tissues

Playing Lord Kleenex is a fool's errand.

Step Up Your "Peace Be With You" Game

Be focused when delivering your "peace be with you's" and direct them at all the hot girls around you. Unless you're at a Jewish funeral, in which case go hard with whatever the Jewish version of "peace be with you" is.

Deliver A Killer Eulogy

Do the classic "I'm gonna read from this rewritten speech I brought...J/K kidding, I'm going to improvise and explain everything from the heart in an unorthodox and unexpected way."

When you're done, drop the mic like it's a Def Jam Comedy show and throw up the double Nixon (aka peace signs) as you strut down the isle and out the door. You should be able to hear a standing ovation from outside the church.

Constantly Step Outside For Smoke Breaks

Even if you don't smoke it's good to take a step outside every now and then. After all, you'll need to recharge your despicable human batteries so you'll have the energy to do some more shitty stuff.

Pick Out Prime Real Estate

Choosing the right seat is one of the most crucial elements of your funeral experience. However, the location of the right seat varies depending on what point of the tour you are.

The Wake, Back Row: This spot is perfect for ocular bum assessments and accentuating your sexy mysteriousness.

The Mass, Front Row: By sitting up close to the action in VIP, you can make it appear as though you were close to the deceased, thus scoring you empathy with the various attending babes.

The Graveside Service, Next To Your New Bae: If everything has gone according to plan, you should give this dude his final sendoff as your arm is wrapped tightly around his granddaughter's shoulder. Just make sure you don't get her running mascara on your all white suit/tux.

Sport An Umbrella

It's a known fact that it rains at 100% of funerals. Be the hero to some mourning, sexy creature by shielding her with your umbrella. You will both protect her at her most vulnerable, while also locking her down for a post-funeral blowie.

Although, I would remiss if I didn't mention that all of my knowledge of funerals comes from various Batman movies. If I'm totally wrong and it's sunny out, definitely do not bring an umbrella. You'll end up looking like Michael Jackson. Peace be with you, MJ.

Pretend To Show Your Emotions

It's okay to get glassy-eyed as long as you don't cry like a little bitch. If you're having trouble feeling any emotion because you're a heartless piece of shit, try thinking about when Apollo Creed dies in Rocky IV. That usually gets the job done.

Take Drugs

Get the party started by consuming and passing out different colored tablets and/or pills an don't stop until things get weird. You can usually cop some off the funeral director because he's a straight creepshow.

Hug The Shit Out Of People

At the grave site, console your bae with mad hugs. This is the funeral equivalent of grinding. "Shhhh, it's okay, girl. That's just my boner."

Pay Your Respects By Making It Rain

As the coffin is finally lowered into the ground, each of the relatives will say their last and final goodbyes. But let's be real, dirty fingernails suck. When everyone else is throwing handfuls dirt onto the dead guy's casket, you should be tossing cash money. Make it rain with hunnits all over his dumb dead grill and instantly become the object of envy and lust of all of the funeral goers. Cue the doves. You're a legend.