20 Ways #Menswear Is Like A Terrorist Organization

You #menswear people are pretty harmless right? Wrong. You are a ruthless, dangerous, systematically militarized group of people that will stop at nothing to destroy what we in this nation hold dear, like manliness, not giving a shit about clothes and hating women. I'm, like, 75% sure on all this. Here, you will find 20 surefire, scientific facts that will prove all people involved in men's fashion are totally terrorists and I'm definitely not hyperbolizing anything.

DEATH TO POCKET SQUARES!

I'm pretty sure the FBI is monitoring my computer after all the "research" I did for this feature. Who knows what exciting things they're going to find? They're probably going to be really disappointed when they find out that all of my Internet sessions solely consist of me Google searching my own name.

P.S. I'm not making light of those who have been victims of terrorism across the globe. Those are terrible tragedies, but, the truth is, #menswear seems to get more and more cult-like and extremist by the day. You've been warned.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

Guns Are Totally Hot Right Now

It seems like every other photo I see from some fashion week showcases some doe-eyed male model enthusiastically waving around a trendy gold-plated, diamond-encrusted AK like an impressionable Saudi Arabian prince who has a James Franco Poster hanging in his bedroom and just saw Spring Breakers for the first time. Is this a bizarre trend, or a calculated move on the part of Versace and Gucci to each assemble an army of menswear enthusiasts in order to wage war with each other?

They Wear Masks

Between influencers like Kanye West running around blind as a fucking bat on stage during his Yeezus Tour and Pussy Riot doing whatever the fuck it is that they do, masks. "But they're just this year's style," you say. Yeah, it's all fun and games until an army of fashion dudes marches down Madison Avenue ready to light the Barneys on fire.

They Indoctrinate Youths

How do you make a bunch of loyal, mindless drones? Get 'em while they're young! Put down the Pokemon cards and put on these Jordans! We own you for life now, Timmy, you bitch.

"If You See Something, Say Something" Applies To Both

The emergency protocol is basically the same for both a terror threat and a public fashion faux pas. For example:

"Lebron wearing a Pharrell Hat…initiate struggle threat level midnight #KingLames"

BEARDS! BEARDS! BEARDS!

I guess beards are the best way to tell people that you mean business. Now—to be extremely clear—the meaning of the term "business" can vary between "You will meet our demands or face the consequences" and, "Don't knock into me on the subway because I might spill my iced coffee on my cardigan and then I'll mutter swears to myself until you feel uncomfortable." But business nonetheless.

They Both Have A Blind Faith

Certain terrorist groups think their beliefs are the only ones that can and should exist. If you disagree you deserve awful things to happen to you. Sound familiar?

They Love Camo

Whether you are hiding from a CIA operative in a crowded Turkish Bazaar or hiding from some dude trying to get you to sign a petition to legalize jumbo-sized sodas in the bathroom of a Pinkberry, camouflage clothes are always essential. It's a jungle out there and you need to be ready to become a ghost at a moment's notice.

They Worship A Supreme Being

You people will wait in line outside this place, sometimes for days on end just to cop a stupid fucking Playboy bunny T-shirt. You'll give up hours of your life to walk through the doors and let the dickhead store employees make condescending remarks about your feminine hips. You were born this way, I get it! Although, instead of getting 72 virgins after it's all over, you only get one unenthusiastic handjob from some girl named Destiny.

They Use Outdated VHS Technology

Although VHS was a recording medium that went out in the late '90s along with payphones and Legends of The Hidden Temple (Still waiting on the Kirk Fog comeback), some people still feel the inclination to use it to spread their message. Those people are exclusively terrorists and #menswear people. I suppose video does provide a grainy, nostalgic texture to a group's trendy jean commercial and/or threat of immeasurable violence that you just can't get with a digital recording. Seems like a lot of hassle to convert it if I'm being honest.

They Desecrate The American Flag

#Menswear has the brilliant ability to take the banner of our great nation and plaster it onto the back of a jean jacket, creating something that looks like what our Vietnam vet uncles wore in 1992. Way to ruin America, guys.

They Use Fear Tactics

Sure, you don't have to buy into the latest trend. Just have fun eating lunch with that dude who looks like one of the Garbage Pail kids. Maybe you can sit at the cool kids table again when you do as we tell you and buy Red Octobers. Until then, you're gonna have to pretend that you don't know us.

They March In Line

Runway modeling is pretty much just extremist militia training 101. Walk in a straight. Keep your back straight. Look fierce as shit. When fashion people start incorporating monkey bars to runway shows, we're fucked. Like, straight game over, man.

They Operate Out Of Seedy Living Quarters

After putting a down payment on a new leather jacket, a menswear guy might not have a lot of extra cash laying around to throw towards a living area. Often times they must resort to living between the cracks or in a hole in the wall: musty, dirty places near train tracks or above Chinese food restaurants. From these gutters they plot their destruction.

They Use Scary Fonts

It's hard to instill fear into the hearts of millions by using Comic Sans on all of your militant terrorist dude swag. Same goes for selling clothes apparently. If the Been Trill font wasn't invented by some dude from the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, call me an idiot.

They Turn To Leaders For Guidance

Nick Wooster is pretty much the Osama Bin Laden of #menswear. Just try and tell me that last sentence wouldn’t look good on a T-shirt.

They're Heavily Featured In Magazines

Time is more or less the GQ of international terrorists. Likewise, GQ regularly gives an inside exposé into some of menswear's most deadly personalities. Now I know about fashion designer/green Power Ranger Rick Owens and his agenda to destroy America.

They Wear Shady Scarves

What are you hiding, #menswear? Are you trying to cover your faces in case we catch you doing something morally wrong like taking someone else's coffee at Saturdays because you don't feel like waiting for your own? You make me sick.

They Have An Affinity For Shoes

Taking off your shoes at the airport sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch your Lebron XI's get a cavity search by a guy who looks like Carl Winslow from Family Matters."He's gonna scuff them up. I know he is," you say to yourself as you sweat more than a terrorist would in a similar situation.

They Utilize Viral Marketing

Remember that whole Kony 2012 deal? That dude's still at large. All that documentary did was give him free publicity. It's like American Apparel’s 1970s porno bush mannequins. Any publicity is good publicity, nah mean?

They Send Death Threats

See: The Four Pins comments.