21 Surefire Ways To Make Internet Commenters Butthurt

Take a moment and imagine the behind-the-scenes process of Internet blogging. There are, of course, the writers and the editors, as well as the art departments. But the real driving force behind the product? The people that put in the most work and have the greatest overall impact? The often forgotten about true champions of this business: the commenters. The warriors in the comment section are a people whose value is unparalleled. They keep the proverbial wheel of progress turning with their divine insight and inventive spirit.

They offer sage advice like, "No one will miss you when you’re dead" and, "Your entire life is hot garbage" and, "This is your father. I wanted to tell you that you are the real reason your mother and I got divorced when you were 10." While commenters only account for a small percentage of any site's total readership, they represent 100% of their voice whether the silent majority likes it or not. And what better person to be the voice of the masses than a dude reading on his phone while he pinches a loaf in a Friendly's restroom?

If you write on the Internet like me, you probably face the universal problem of appeasing these comment section gods. Luckily, I've provided a list of 21 bad habits to stay away from when writing for the Internet, so you can avoid upsetting these passionate folks.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

Be Politically Incorrect

Hey buster, if you think being politically incorrect is funny then you should straight up move to another country. Because this is America, and in America we respect people of all different upbringings no matter what race, creed or color they happen to be. Using "satire" or "pointing hypocrisies regarding real racism" as an excuse doesn’t fly in this day and age. I mean, if you're not politically correct then you're almost as bad as the Jews who control the media.

Have Bad Grammar

Nothing chaps a commenter’s computer-chair-bedsore adjourned ass like bad subject-verb disagreement. If you mess this shit up, he'll straight up tell you that "you don’t rite good." And you should listen to him! After all, his name is Doctor Pepper Rulez, so you know he's extremely well-educated.

Have A Job They Want

As a writer, you've got to be careful. There's an ocean of well-trained prospects in the comments section just waiting for you to mess up so they can steal your job. They're not afraid to let you know this fact either. Frequently, you'll see these experience-hardened, ideal employees say something along the lines of: "This guy fucking sucks. I could write better articles than him. You guys should hire me…please…*single tear*… please." Begging in the comments section is the new strong application plus cover letter and firm handshake. I mean, I've never been hired that way, but I'm sure some of those hopefuls out there have, right? Hey writers, watch your back.

Differ In Opinion

When writing an opinion based, subjective article, make sure you never offer your subjective opinion. For example, if in an article you say that your favorite Ginuwine track is "Pony," but a commenter disagrees with you, he will often respond by saying, "'Differences' is obviously the best Ginuwine track, you ignorant child. Go back to Russia and kill yourself, you communist." Avoid this sort of altercation all together by simply never explaining or expounding upon your own views in the first place.

Try To Be Funny

Every day, thousands of commenters from around the Internet will utter the phrase, "Quit trying to be funny." And you know what? They're totally right. Menswear, in the case of this site, is no laughing matter. This line of business is a literally war. How else can you explain all the army jackets? Grow up, guys. Jokes are kid stuff.

Try Too Hard

Many commenters believe that writers "try way too hard." If you find a comment like this at the bottom of one of your articles, there's a good chance you put a lot of effort and care into your work. This is a HUGE mistake. Caring about things is not cool and will make you look like a squid. Instead, try not giving a fuck about what you write. Otherwise, you'll end up sounding like a complete fucking cornball idiot.

Write Articles That Are Too Long

Hey, Leo Tolstoy, cool your jets with the word count. I mean, 20 slides? Are you fucking kidding me? Good god, man. What, do you expect them to just read the first 10 slides and then move on to something else? Frankly, that

s ridiculous and you sound like a straight up moron for even suggesting it.

Write Articles That Are Too Short

20 items with a few sentences each? What is this? Buzzfeed? Don't treat your readers like children. The comment section demands longer articles, you fool. Why don't you ever listen to them?

Make Fun Of Something They Like

It's a known fact that Pharrell Williams is an ageless, immortal vampire who wears ridiculous hats to block out the sun. However, not all Pharrell fans take kindly to this assertion no matter how completely and scientifically true it is. Instead, try to find the positive in your subject matter. For example, you might say something like, "For 364 days out of the year, Aaron Hernandez didn't murder a single person." He sounds like a class act to me, and you will too by using this patented positivity strategy.

Flip-Flop

When writing an article, make sure you narrow your focus to one side of the argument and ignore all possible alternatives. In essence, this is the diametric opposite to Internet God/spokesperson for Little Hug Juice Fruit Barrels, Desus's "Gotta see both sides," ideology. If the fabled commenters see you even remotely consider a second point of view, they will strike at you like snarky vultures.

Don't Have Any Personality

By writing with a distinct "personality" or "voice," you can explore new angles and scenarios from which to covey the content of your piece. Commentators, however, aren't so easily amused. They insist that you write in you own true, depressing, mediocre voice. If you don't sound like Eeyore on suicide watch by the end of your piece, you're doing something wrong. Why be interesting when you can be boring and pathetic?

Confuse Inconsequential Details

Commenters are naturally great fact checkers. If you were to talk about the Kendrick Lamar song, "m.a.a.d. city," a spot-on commenter would remind you that "it's actually 'm.A.A.d. city.' The A's are uppercase, you fucking retard."

Explore New Topics

Never try something new. Not only is this a rule when writing for the Internet, but it's also a great life lesson in general. Taking chances with innovative ideas is only going to lead to regret and failure. By sticking to more of the same, however, your writing never has to mature. It's like the Neverland of writing, where Peter Pan is played by an Internet Troll named Marty who takes you by the hand and leads you into a world of regurgitated ideas and stunted creative progress.

Be Sarcastic

A snide attitude doesn't benefit anyone. That’s why when I say, "Rude commenters totally don’t suck horse cock," I mean it.

Don't Do Your Homework

I learned this lesson back when I wrote a review for the film, The Wolverine last year. You were right, nameless Internet fanboy, I should have read the complete Wolverine canon from 1980 to 1998 to prepare for my 1000 word critique of a shitty spinoff, just like you said. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

Don't Write About Their Favorite Topic

You should have known better than to write a review on the new Atmosphere album when all Doug from Queens wanted to read about was "How To Pick Up Chicks When You Have A Small Dick." In fact, you should have called up Doug in advance, bro. Don't be an amateur out there on the front lines.

Make Obscure References

"Hey Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi." If you make tons of obscure references to American Pop Culture, there are going to be some people who feel left out. Instead, make sure you appeal to the lowest common denominator and spoon-feed your audience universal jokes. Anything more exclusive would just be Ludacris (feat. Mystikal and I-20).

Don't Explain Your Jokes

A good joke functions on its own and needs no explanation. A great joke requires a lengthy follow-up and/or cliff notes. At least that's what the fine people in the comments section often believe.

Insult Male Models

Hell hath no fury like an offended menswear model. Apparently, they’re not all about being referred to as clinically depressed young Willem Dafoes. Steer clear of these parts, Weary Internet Blogger Guy.

Make A List About Them

Commenters hate being criticized. As a writer, you can't just make grand generalizations based on superficial details about people you don't even know. That would be a totally shitty thing to do. Only commenters should be allowed to do that, right?

Mention Kanye West

Kanye West.