The 20 Types Of People You'll Meet In Hell

Let's face it, you're a shitty person. And you're definitely going to hell. It's pretty much a given at this point and we're not here to waste breath debating that fact. Rather, today we'll be focusing on the many different types of people you'll meet when you finally set up tormented afterlife shop.

You're probably thinking that you'll find the usual suspects—murderers, rapists, adulterers—and you couldn't be farther from the truth. No, the real despicable sinners destined to be cast into a molten pit of eternal damnation have committed far worse atrocities. Let's get to know your new neighbors.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

The CrossFit Guy

Hey, I've got no problem with people that work out. The thing about CrossFit people, however, is that they cannot stop talking about CrossFit. And therein lies the problem. If you want to engage in an unnecessarily dangerous workout regiment that comes with a 100% chance of getting injured, that's your prerogative. But the only people that do CrossFit are self-absorbed, immodest try-hards who are unable to chill and work out without throwing it in everyone else's face.

The Dude Who Leaves A Toilet Paper Nest

Public restrooms are a horror show. There are swastikas all over the walls and piss everywhere and a homeless guy washing his balls in the sink and a lost child screaming. And then you open the stall door and find what the previous occupant left: a carefully constructed nest of toilet paper, engineered for the sole purpose of keeping his ass from touching the toilet seat. Now, if you want to drop some heat, you have to remove the construction with your bare hands and flush it down the toilet. Total savage move.

The Girl Scout Who Guilts You Into Buying Cookies

Once a year she comes around to your neighborhood, looking to crack your kneecaps like a mafia loan shark if you don't buy ten boxes of Thin Mints. Maybe this year you wised up and changed your address—it doesn't matter. She'll just get her dad (your coworker) to hunt you down in your cubicle until you give up the money. Is there a merit badge for harassment? If so, I think she's earned two. For real though, this broad deserves to play Miss Mary Mack with Hitler in the fiery depths of hell for all eternity.

The Guy Who Writes The Messages In Hallmark Cards

This dude is rolling in hookers and coke and Scrooge McDuck money from writing gems like: "Garfield may hate Mondays, but he sure does love Saturdays. Happy Bar Mitvah! You're finally a man. Shalom!" If he's anything like Theodore Twombly, he's also fucking his computer too. Meanwhile, you are eating leftover Chinese food off the latest issue of Complex because you're all out of plates. You're both on the highway to hell.

The Kid Who Screams In Public

It's easy to drop the blame on the parents of this unaccompanied minor, but I think it's high time that this little asshole takes responsibility for his own actions. Between throwing a temper tantrum over the wrong Happy Meal toy and crying when he runs into the wall like an idiot, this kid has been a big problem for everyone. But hey, you know what they say, it takes a neighborhood to raise a kid. In this case, the neighborhood is going to hit the child across the face and tell him that if he makes another noise he's getting the belt. You're six years old now, Trevor. Time to grow the fuck up.

The Person Who Shares Inspirational Stories On Facebook

"You'll Never Guess What This Golden Retriever Did When His Military Owner Returned Home From War!!!"

Oh, did he get excited and lick the dude's face? No way! Hey, if you get twenty likes on this post will you kill yourself? That would be so inspiring and noble of you!

The Cyclist

Bicyclists are the worst people on the planet. This guy is always bringing his bike onto a crowded subway car like it ain't no thing. He uses all traffic lanes and the sidewalk, but gets super butthurt when you drive your car in his bicycle lane. Only a real scum of the earth type of person rides a bike and each and every one of them deserves to do a wheelie straight into the 9th circle of hell.

The Weather Reporter That Braves The Storm

"Thanks Jim. I'm standing here amidst this blizzard, getting totally wrecked for no other reason than to explain to our viewers how snow works because they're really fucking stupid, apparently. Without me, they'd be forced to speculate what might be outside their windows, but would never get up off their fat stupid fucking asses to see for themselves. Did you hear me, fatty? I'm talking about you. You, big fat fatty. You are going to pity me and I'm going to eat it up. Nom nom nom nom. Haha. Back to you in the studio."

The Guy That Shows You Pictures Of His Kids

Your kid isn't special. Nobody wants to see your kid. Its not even cute and, frankly, its got kind of a weirdly-shaped head. I'm not gonna jump to conclusions, but let's just say it might have something that rhymes with Schmownes Schmyndrome. You're making everyone in the office super uncomfortable, bro.

The Girl That Trades Sex For Sweatshirts

You lie in bed, staring at the ceiling while you smoke a cigarette. Next to you is the girl of your dreams in a quiet slumber. You're on cloud nine. Nothing can ruin this moment. Then, you wake up the next day and she's gone. You call her, but no one picks up. And worst of all, she's taken your favorite sweatshirt, never to be returned. The spoils of war, I suppose. Just remember, war mongers go to hell.

The Guy Who Invented Condoms

Seriously, fuck that guy.

The Pregnant Lady Who Makes It All About Her

I don't want to see your ultrasounds, sweetie. And I super duper don't give a shit if the baby is kicking. Zero things you are talking about interest me. I'm watching John Daly eat himself to death on the PGA Tour and I really don't have time for this whole baby thing. It's kind of depressing, you know? And, like, I don't mean to be a dick, but why aren't you getting an abortion again?

The Old Man Who Accidentally Bumps Into You

Old folks are gross. They're essentially dead people who are still walking around and saying racist shit. Oh, you fought in World War II? Well, I just fought a sixteen-year-old girl for a parking spot and won. So who's the real hero? For real though, I don’t need your vainy zombie hand touching me when I'm trying to cross the street to purchase illegal drugs. And I'm not fooled by your "help, I'm having a stroke" excuse either. Nobody's buying that shit. Hands off, old homie. Sorry, Four Pins reader. Your grandpa is going to hell. It sucks, but he's basically asking for it.

The Hot Girl Who Didn't Hold The Door For You

Generally speaking, hot girls have it good. They're waited on hand and foot by hordes of dudes hoping to get lucky and catch a stray beej if they stick around long enough. Maybe it's for this reason that they never ever hold doors for anyone. It's almost as if, because no one ever told them they were wrong, they literally have no moral compass when it comes to social etiquette and basic human decency.

The Guy Who Wants You To Donate To His Cause

This human is one of those dudes who wants to make a difference in the world, so long as he doesn't have to go anywhere or put in any effort whatsoever. He just hangs onto a clipboard and throws it in people's faces when they walk by. He's raising money for the cure for puppy AIDS, but you couldn't give a shit. You just want him to get out of your fucking way because you need Chic-Fil-A NOW.

That Dude That Wants To Talk About The Weather

"Oh man, it's so much colder today than it was yesterday. Weird, right?"

Luckily for this asshole, it's always hot in hell.

The Dog That Had Premarital Sex

They say all dogs go to heaven, but I call bullshit. If any being engages in fornication before marriage—be it man or dog—our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, shall banish him to the underworld for all eternity. Only true Christian dogs go to heaven FYI.

The Guy With The Soul Patch

In recent times, beards have become the predominant form of male facial hair in the United States. However, some men still sport only a tuft of hair beneath their lower lip, a style more commonly referred to as the "soul patch." They brandish this look with no regard for human life and for this societal negligence, each and every one has a spot reserved in hell.

The Jay Z Apologist

Let me first point out that I am not talking about the recent report of his alleged affair. No, I'm talking about how he's been slipping in recent years, both musically and artistically. These sympathizers are cruelly reinforcing his negative behavior and dragging out his career. As a society, we need to do the humane thing and collectively stop buying Jay's music and metaphorically take him out back like Old Yeller. There's no room for sympathy when it comes to Hova.

Sarah McLachlan

Sad puppies make us cry, but there's a zero percent chance any of us are donating to the ASPCA. We all hope you choke to death on your own self-righteousness and then a bunch of starving dogs eat your body.