What Your Dog Says About You

Chihuahua

You are a girl. Or your kind of annoying girl made you get a Chihuahua and then dumped your ass and left you with this weird looking dog. It’s okay, no one liked her anyway.

English Bulldog

You’re really into ugly beautiful things like modern art and Birkenstocks. Or you "come from money" and live in Connecticut.

German Shepard

You are either a cop or your parents got you a German Shepherd when you were five and you’re trying to relive the years when you didn’t disappoint them on an daily basis.

Pomeranian

You wanted a German Shepherd, but your landlord only allows pets under 20 lbs.

Dachshund

You get really annoyed when people refer to them as "wiener dogs," but let’s be honest, that’s what they look like. Wieners with legs. LOL your dog looks like a hairy penis.

Golden Retriever

Apparently, the Golden Retriever is one of the most popular dog breeds in the U.S., which means you’re probably a little boring and listen to Will.I.Am in your Ford Focus.

Labrador Retriever

If you have a chocolate lab you are the most enlightened motherfucker on the planet. Full disclosure: I have a chocolate lab and she is so much cooler than you—you have no fucking idea. SHOUT OUT TO FRANNY. BAD BITCH CONTEST YOU THE HALL OF FAME, BOO.

Greyhound

You are a bleeding heart and can’t stand that people bet on these dogs at races. You probably have flirted with becoming a vegan because you don’t like the fact that animals have to die for you to eat them, but, since you still love hotdogs, you rescued a greyhound instead.

Pug

You love things that look like they are deformed. Like Carol Christian Poell shoes.

Chow Chow

I don’t know anyone that has a chow chow. The only person I can think of is Martha Stewart. She has a grip of Chow Chows. You can draw your own conclusions, but you may be Martha Stewart.

Coonhound

You read Where the Red Fern Grows in fifth grade and it really resonated with you. You probably will name your children after famous literary characters and they will get their asses beat in fifth grade just like you did. You are a fucking nerd.

Pitbull

You either appreciate and respect this breed’s loyalty and strength or you have a really tiny penis and hope your dog compensates for it. It doesn’t.

Saint Benard

You are Charles Grodin and your dog’s name is Beethoven.

Bull Teriier

I know for a fact you named your dog Spuds Mackenzie. You were kicked out of your fraternity for actually drinking TOO much.

French Bulldog

You are a girl with thigh tattoos of, like, tall ships and painted ladies and you probably own at least one pair of insanely short jorts. Or you are a guy...with thigh tattoos and at least one pair of insanely short jorts.

Puli

A Puli’s fur mats into dreadlocks. You smell like patchouli and are the kind of stoner that tries to convince everyone around you that weed should still be illegal because people like you exist.

Mastiff

You are the type of person that doesn’t mind having a dog that takes shits bigger than you do.

Logotto Romagnolo

These dogs are super fucking rare and are used to find truffles. So, you probably don’t have a Logotto Romagnolo. And if you do, you live on an estate in Tuscany, hang out with women who could be models, but aren't because that would mean having a job and you have never actually used the Internet.

Brussels Griffin

Bahahahahahahaahaha I can’t take you or your dog seriously and no one else can either.

Mutt From The Humane Society

You are either super sanctimonious about the fact that you "rescued" a dog, or you admit that paying hundreds of dollars for a dog when you can get one for free from the pound is just fucking stupid. Either way, you’re a brave soul because that dog has basically been in dog prison for god knows how long, learning from all the other fucked up dogs on how to best chew your Margielas, lifting weights so it’s strong enough to maul your face off, thinking about how if you treat him like his last owner he’ll fucking murder you right where you stand. Kudos to you, you kindhearted/cheap bastard.