Have you ever had an argument with someone and both of your arguments were at least semi-plausible and instead of just Googling that shit to see who was right you both just argued interminably to the point of alienating everyone else in your immediate vicinity? Well, at one point I’m sure you’ve at least debated the most popular fashion brands in the world, right? No? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ARGUE ABOUT? THE DEBT CEILING AND HEALTHCARE REFORM? GET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT, NERD.
Generally, lists like “The Top 1064 Brands in the World” are indelibly marked with the writers’ and editors’ personal biases. BUT NO MORE. Your boys at Four Pins decided that if you’re gonna have a dick measuring contest, you best just pull out a ruler instead of arguing about the idiosyncratic merits of individual wieners. But how do you measure the popularity of completely disparate brands? Did you not read the first paragraph of this intro? C'mon son, there’s barely a second paragraph in anything I write. Do me a fucking solid for once. Oh, right, GOOGLE TRENDS, BITCHES. What is Google Trends? Well, it’s a free service that allows you to compare two search terms to see which word is Googled more. Obviously, with any statistical metric like this there will still be some drawbacks. For example, we couldn’t include brands like Public School because obviously there is a metric fuckton of concerned parents Googling "public school" in an effort to make sure their shitty kids get the best education property tax can buy. And, like, you already know Celine Dion fans be disproportionately gassing up Phoebe Philo. Regardless, none of you can claim personal bias on this one and that's the entire point. I SWEAR TO YAHWEH, BUDDHA AND JUNYA WATANABE THAT IF YOU COMMENT “HOW IS ____ BRAND NUMBER 15? THEIR SHIT SUCKS,” I WILL TELEPORT THROUGH YOUR SHITTY DSL/CABLE MODEM INTO YOUR SHITTY APARTMENT AND BREAK YOUR SHITTY LAPTOP BECAUSE THIS LIST ISN’T ABOUT THE RELATIVE MERITS/QUALITY OF THESE BRANDS. It's about which brands are the most searched about on Google in an effort to deduce worldwide interest amongst the consuming masses. And when you think about it, that shit is kind of profound, if we do say so ourselves.
Sex and the City really created a generation of "fashionistas" aka chicks who think writing one column for a newspaper will afford you a lifestyle of handsome dick and expensive high heels. THANKS, CARRIE. YOU'RE A TRUE INSPIRATION. One time I sat next to Miranda from that show and all I did was text my buddy who was also there questions like: “Are you a Carrie or a Samantha?” throughout dinner. She got bacon wrapped figs though, so she's definitely cool. None of that shit really had anything to do with Prada, but, c’mon, if you have to Google Prada you ain’t buying shit.
13. Michael Kors
Michael Kors should sacrifice a lamb, a goat and 17 billion of those shitty gold watches he sells to the gods of Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn. Project Runway has created millions of fashion experts who think that Michael Kors can actually design something decent.