The Anti-Swag Field Guide

You guys ready for a particle physics lesson? Me neither. But I did go onto Wikipedia the other day to learn a lot about matter and antimatter. Did you guys know that if regular particles and antiparticles collide they complete annihilate each other? Yeah, and the resulting annihilation creates Gamma Rays, neutrinos and probably a whole bunch of other matter, but I stopped reading the article after the 1st paragraph. What does all this lame ass nerd talk have to do with clothes, right? Well, I mean, technically everything, but I’ll let your physics professor convince you of that. Specifically I’m talking 'bout swag and anti-swag.

Did you guys not know about the existence of anti-swag? Don’t feel bad man, modern physics didn’t embrace the antimatter theory until around 1928. When it comes to swag, anti-swag completely cancels out any cool your other gear may have brought to the table. While gamma rays and neutrinos don’t result from the mutual annihilation, there is a by-product. In this case? You looking like a fucking chump. And that's why I’m here speaking with you today, to help you avoid devastating articles of anti-swag.

Suspenders

You better believe the word “sus” is in the word suspenders. Look, if you’re wearing them under a suit and they aren’t clip ons and they remain largely invisible, suspenders—or, “braces” if you wanna be a dick about it—aren’t really an issue at all. But you try and rock suspenders like you’re Larry Fucking King and it won’t matter if you’re draped in the illest of gear.

Double Monks

Wait, you just bought a pair of brand new double monks? HAHAHAHAHAHA, MY GUY. EVERYONE JUST WEARS SNEAKERS AND TIMBS AGAIN LIKE IT’S 1998.

Tier Regular Nikes

You didn’t have to wait in line to buy your Roshe Runs? You didn’t click refresh 17.5 gajillion times? If you’re Nikes aren’t Tier Zero or made in collaboration with Tres Bien, or APC, or that guy that used to be a club promoter, but now owns a sneaker boutique you might as well burn them. Regular Nikes are for moms and dads who have 13-year-old kids that walk in front of them in the mall with their headphones on.

All Over Print Oxfords

I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. You guys got really into all over prints a few months ago because you were too young to ever really buy your own BBC and BAPE gear. So you made up for it like how some guys buy convertibles when they turn 50 because they couldn’t when a convertible would have actually been awesome and germane to their lifestyle because they weren’t divorced yet. But c’mon son, this shit looks like a little kid’s wallpaper. If you show up to the function in an all over duck billed platypus print and you should be thrown out the function like Uncle Phil used to do Jazz.

Espadrilles

Ninja shoes for hippies just aren’t the look. And don’t try that “but a kid in Africa got a pair too…” crap with me. THAT KID DIDN’T WANT AN UGLY PAIR OF SHOES. Now two people have to walk this world with shitty shoes. Keep your bad taste to yourself.

Lame Significant Others

This is more of a life lesson than a sartorial one, but a lame significant other can completely negate anything cool about your entire life. Oh, you’re wearing head to toe Public School and you’re eating at the bistro that only serves 25 people a day? Sweet. TOO BAD YOU’RE EATING FOOD WITH THE LAMEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. The crazy thing is while in this relationship you have no clue your boo is lame, but everyone talks about how unfortunate your current relationship is behind your back. Pretty soon you’ll have an amazing wardrobe and your lame girlfriend who doesn’t even know the difference between chambray and denim will be the only witness because everyone else has deaded the pleasure of your company because they can’t stand her.

Slouchy Reservoir Tip Beanies

You have to be incomprehensible levels of handsome for women to overlook the fact that you’re wearing a slouchy beanie. There’s just so many things wrong with the, like how they are almost never worn in a seasonally appropriate manner. But, thankfully, they seem to be relegated mostly to Los Angeles and that guy you know that wears lots of rings and just got his real estate license.

Monocle

Every time I see someone reading Monocle I’m amazed. And then I realize they’re just looking at the pretty fonts and photos. No fronting, I had a subscription to that ish and barely ever read an entire issue cover to coer. I mean, that magazine is dense as fuck and I’m out here without health insurance, my dudes. My situation is just as precarious as the newly formed democracy in Malawi that has a “smart” motorcade and “bustling” arts quarter. Monocle is the literary version of that band we all pretend to listen to. Just stop pretending and read something you’re actually interested in, like how the Bruce Jenner is coping with all the turmoil in his life. Spoiler Alert: He’s growing out his ponytail.

Fashion Parody T-Shirts

At this point if you’re just busting out a fashion parody tee it better be pretty fucking original. If not, you’re gonna look exactly how it sounds when your parents use the word “twerk” in a sentence.

Phone Cases

Unless you’re some kind of pleb, you own an iPhone. I’m pretty sure putting a case on an iPhone is the most literal example I can think for gilding the lily, except maybe actually gilding an actual lily. That iPhone is a study in minimalism. Get it in black, skip a case and don’t worry about fucking up your phone. The most baller move of all is pretending like you don’t even care about material things.

Leather Jogging Pants

With good style comes extreme self-awareness. I mean, you have to be brutally honest with yourself when it comes whether or not you can pull certain looks off. Let me take care of the self-reflection for you when it comes to leather sweatpants. YOU CAN’T. If you’re going to be honest with yourself about just one thing, let it be this.

Bow Ties

That’s fucking Yeezus right there and all I want to say is, “Nice fucking bow tie, bruh.” That’s how powerful of an anti-swag particle bow ties are. They can negate even some of Kanye West’s swag. Consider yourself warned.

Non-Purple Label North Face

Dude, it’s not 8th grade and you’re not a sorority girl majoring in being too good to give blowjobs, your stock North Face is lame as fuck. That shit needs to be Purple Label or it needs to get all the fuck the way out of your wardrobe.

DSLR Cameras

Ugh. The coolest person in the world can be negated to a simple “ugh” with just one swing of a camera strap. It’s bad enough we have to deal with fucking Instagram. I don’t want your wide open apertures all up in my Belgian waffles, ya dick.

Ethnic Beads

Avoiding ethnic beads is kind of impossible. I’m not gonna lie, they looking fucking dope on a white tee. Or an OCBD. Or over a Champion sweatshirt. But they are still incredibly corny. We’re talking high fructose corny. The only thing you can hope for is that the rest of your gear and general attitude is cool enough to offset the negative charge of this anti-swag. I’ve seen it happen a few times, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Top Knots

Unless you’re a samurai, top knots are a decidedly weak maneuver. Make fun of my tunic all you want, I’m not the douchebag with a top knot. Just let that shit flow free like Sonny Crocket, my long-haired gentlefolk. The topknot should be relegated to, like, yoga dudes and parkour dudes. If you can backflip off a parking garage or instruct hot moms on how to stretch in spandex, you can have a topknot.

French Cuff Shirts

I don’t care if your suit has Sciamat shoulders and is made from wool finer than the finest cashmere in all of the land. If you rock some French cuffs with that you might as well be talking about notch lapels with the ex-CEO of Men’s Wearhouse. That or analyzing college football with Desmond Howard and Lee Corso.

One-Way Zippers

C’mon son, you can’t zip/unzip your bomber cholo style? You and your budget YKK can kick rocks.

Red Wing Boots

You rock a pair of Redwings in 2013 and I’ll assume you still leave struggle comments on A Continuous Lean that include your blogspot URL.

Fedoras

This is one of the rare anti-swag particles that can actually look cool on certain people. Granted, that number of people is very fucking small. Most people end up looking like Bruno Mars. I don’t care if you’re head to toe Visvim—with a tiny shaman medicine pouch and everything—throw on a fedora and even your friends will be like, “Slow down, Bruno Mars.” Get it? Because you look like Bruno Mars LOL.

Tie Bars

Nice knit tie? Check. Your suit fits you? Check. Tie bar. Wait, what? Anytime you mention tie bar/tie clip I think Ryan Seacrest and that one guy in my Torts class that always wore a suit for exams. Do you really want to remind me of those guys?

Mewelry

Get that friendship bracelet shit outta here, man. We’ve been over this. If you’re gonna wear jewelry, wear some real, actual precious metals and stones like Cuban links and shit (preferably in gold because gold is perfect).

Leather Porfolios

I always see people with portfolios in street style shots and I can’t imagine those things are fucking practical at all. What do you put in them? iPads? Because for real, no one who goes to shows actually keeps the programs or information sheets. They don’t even bother throwing them in the garbage, they just leave them on their seats like too cool for school littering savages. Who wants to cradle their everyday carry like a fucking football?

iPads

Dude, you could have the most next level kit on in the world with the dopest accoutrements, but the second you pull out a tablet in public you do realize you look like a sad dad playing Candy Crush waiting for his three asshole kids to finish up their Chipotle, right?

A Blog

C’mon son, you’ve got to know at this point that taking anything seriously is just fucking lame. You can’t imagine the amount of anti-swag energy created when someone asks why you’re at a tradeshow and you have to respond with, “Oh, um, I have a blog.” I don’t care how fucking amazing your hair looks that day, how many layers and reverse layers you’ve managed to pile on to your malnourished frame, saying you have a blog in public is one of the most swagless things you’ll ever do. Instead of that, just tell them you were in the neighborhood and wanted to check out some friends’ collections. Being a hard to place cool guy is way more influential a move than saying you have a “strong social media presence.”