How to Stunt at the Gym Among the Post-New Year's Rush

New year, new goals. You've finally resolved to actually get your fat ass to the gym in 2015, and while you're going to work off your extra holiday baggage, you've already made peace with the fact that you're not lifting another weight after February.

You won't be the only one looking to accomplish an impossible fitness New Year's resolution, so how do you flourish among the crowds of sweaty, gym-phobic, post-holiday crowd? If you're wondering what to wear, how to workout, or even how to smell, this is How to Stunt at the Gym Among the Post-New Year's Rush.

The workout experience is going to be straight basura if you don't start a yoking session off on the right foot. Whether you're copping Tubular Runners or Y-3 Qasas, you need to get your footwear lightweight and tech'd out af.

If you're truly looking to show off that you're 'bout that high-end gym life, brands like Nike Gyakusou, Isaora, and (if you're bank account is on the low) Alexander Wang x H&M should be all that you're draped in when you get fit. Sure, it's secondary to actually working out, but it's for sure a massive upgrade from rocking that stained T-shirt you won for drinking the most beer at an intramural softball tourney.

Fuck staying thirst and fuck that Nalgene bottle you scored at the company retreat. 2015 is about hydration and keeping every single detail on point, so make sure your superb fit isn't downgraded just because it's lacking a giant logo that lets these weaklings know you are officially not fucking around.

Tune out the heavy mouth breathing of those out of shape herbs struggling on the treadmill next to you with some noise cancelling headphones that'll keep you in the zone. Migos mixtapes not included.

Simply put, you're not going to dominate the gym if your hair is wildin' out as you get swoll. Keep it cut and under control with a workout appropriate hat, headband, or anything, really. You don't want have your vision blocked when you try to spit game at the cute girl on the elliptical.

Don't get it twisted, we're not saying you need to pour on the Drakkar Noir or the “Eau de Musk,” but you're going to be a lot easier to run next to if you're not smelling like the moldy socks someone forgot in the locker room.

From the Fitbit to the Fuelband, if you're rocking a simpleton's Casio watch on your wrist, you're setting off basic alarms. Sure these things don't really fulfill their basic function as a watch anymore, but if it can count calories, function as a pedometer, and tell you how you sleep, does the time really even matter?

Even if you're laced up looking like the most intense health goth in the galaxy, you're gonna look like a chump if you're working out the wrong way. Avoiding gym attire fails means nothing if you don't know what the hell you're doing. Do your research, ask questions, learn from your mistakes, and if you don't know how one machine works or a specific technique, you can always hit the treadmill—we assume you at least know how to run…we hope.

The power of comparison is truly incredible, and if you bring your less-than-attractive friend, you're going to look like a decent human being working out next to them—even if you OD'd on holiday dinners and still recovering from open bar on New Year's Eve.

If all else fails, just do whatever it takes to not sweat. Sure, the whole reason you're probably going to the gym is to put in work, but if you're only there to stunt, there's no need to fuck up a fit in the name of health, right?