Image via Complex Original
A few weeks ago, the city of Ocala, Fla. did something bold and passed an ordinance that fines and imprisons people who sag their pants "in a way that exposes underwear or bare buttocks." While the penalty may be extreme and certainly brings up issues of profiling, it is, in a rarity for Florida, a step in the right direction. Because if we're being honest, sagging your pants at extreme levels of simulated gravitational pull is pretty dumb. As Jay Z once regrettably said, "We off that."
The ban got us thinking. If a Fashion Court should ever assemble, what other style moves should be outlawed, either because they're operating way past their expiration date or simply because they're wack? In an ideal world, these are 10 of the Worst Style Fails That Should Be Banned.
Square-toed shoes
Most frequently seen in: The Bible Belt
Penalty: One swift punt to the nuts by someone wearing a square-toed shoe
Square-toed shoes are only un-punishable for kids 16 and under attending bar mitzvahs, first Communions, Easter Sunday service, and the like. To all high-school graduates and above, get your life together with a pair of basic Oxfords or something that doesn't make you look like mom is still dressing you.
Super-skinny jeans
Most frequently seen in: London
Penalty: Must wear JNCOs for a week
This is for your own benefit and well-being, more so than anything else on this list. There's nothing wrong with fitted jeans, but why go beyond that? What's the fun in wearing jeans it took five minutes for you to Dougie into? Think about your future children. Ban these skin-tight trousers from your wardrobe before they're non-existent children, because breathing room, man.
NT Denim
Most frequently seen in: New York
Penalty: Banned from standing in line at the next 10 sneaker drops; can only buy new drops online 20 minutes after release
No crisp pair of Stan Smiths, Jordans, Yeezys, or crisp brogues should have to suffer from your ugly 1997 jeans draping over them in an astonishingly dated fashion. You want to strut through these streets depreciating the value of kicks you just dropped three figures on with every step? Justice for this obscenity has to go beyond an ethering on the Nike Talk/Twitter timeline.
Summer beanies
Most frequently seen in: Los Angeles
Penalty: No admittance to Starbucks, Juice Press, or fro-yo spots for the remainder of the summer
This is like the "no drinking and driving" law of style policing. Personal style shouldn't be boxed in by rules, but this just makes no sense. You are actively strapping a microwave on your dome when you stroll outside on an 80-degree day wearing one of these head-mittens. We're only trying to save you from unnecessary sweat-showers.
Fedoras
Most frequently seen in: Las Vegas; Pick-up artist conventions
Penalty: Only allowed to attend '50s-themed parties from now on
The days of Humphrey Bogart and Don Draper flourishing in these are long gone. Sorry, they're not cool anymore, and they haven't been for some time. Unless Jason Mraz is your style idol or you work for The Adjustment Bureau, take your fedora off and fling it into the air like a bunch of saxophone players hitting the Shmoney Dance at a jazz festival.
Parody Tees
Most frequently seen in: College dorms
Penalty: Barred from entering White Castle for a year
These corny shirts just refuse to die out completely. In fact, we can't go as far as labeling them endangered yet. For every dude who's left their 12-year-old sense of humor in the past, five more jerkoffs come through Coachella with some dumb tee about Molly in the Coca Cola graphic. Bonus penalties: every tourist in Times Square gets probation and/or deportation after a second offense.
Vibram Five Finger Shoes
Most frequently seen in: Silicon Valley
Penalty: Two week ban from doing CrossFit at the gym
You actually undercut your, "Yes, I even lift, bro," image when you get your exercise on in these. The idea is to look like you mean business; instead, you look like you're a cat burglar that Scooby and the gang just caught, and Velma identified these as your method for scaling buildings. Don't get caught by those meddling kids, and don't look like an interloping fuccboi who shouldn't be in a weight room.
Flip-flops
Most frequently seen in: Miami
Penalty: Must wear fur-lined boots on the beach
If it's not at the beach, then no one wants to see dudes in flip-flopping, sidewalk-smacking thong sandals. It's even worse when guys try to dress regular and non-resorty but then try and finish the look with flip-flops as if 70+ degree weather excuses that shit. It does not, gentle frat bro. Keep your jacked feet out of general society and only rock flip-flops on the beach.
Fashion tattoos
Most frequently seen in: New York, L.A.
Penalty: Life sentence of only shopping in Wal-Mart
We get it. You love "Insert pricey brand with iconic logo." But in the history of cornball, uninspired tattoos, inking your fave designer has got to rank in the top five. The sentence for this gaudy offense must be Biblical: if you like it too much, you're never allowed to wear it again.
Terribly-fitting suits
Most frequently seen in: Every city where a post-game conference is held
Penalty: 14-month ban from future black-tie events and walking red carpets
Whether you wear a suit everyday to work or only three times a year at formal occasions, slacking on your #menswear game should never be allowed. Baggy suit pants, bulky blazers, or on the flipside, tight suit jackets with buttons that threaten to pop if you reach across your desk too fast—away with all of it. If that means locking up half of the athletes in the country, then so be it.
