Drake vs. Justin Bieber: A Head-to-Head Style Battle Between Canadian Swaglords

Between Justin Bieber, Drake and Toronto mayor Rob Ford, swagginess recently bumped crude oil as Canada's No. 1 export. That's right, our typically reticent neighbors to the north are, like, totally on one right now. With The Biebs doing to deposition videos what a gas leak does to one's smoking break and Drizzy basically living like a 2014 version of Dean Martin, we thought it would be an appropriate time to compare and discern the stunting prowess of these two flossing icons. Oh, and we're keeping score. Two Canucks enter, one legend is born in Drake vs. Justin Bieber: A Head-to-Head Style Battle Between Canadian Swaglords. Let the games begin.

Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)

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Winner: Justin Bieber (1-0, Justin)

Welp, this is a beat down.

Drizzy's probably boarding a Gulfstream Jet that has an interior made out of endangered Siberian tiger hide and $100 bills. But, he's dressed like a Delta Chi on spring break who is taking a Spirit Airlines flight to Daytona Beach. Meanwhile, JB is absolutely killing this baggage claim line with literal proclamations. He looks like he's about to break the Salt Lake City Junior High record for most detentions in a semester. No contest, really.

Winner: Justin Bieber (2-0, Justin)

Chill, Drizzy, no one gets that excited watching Greivis Vasquez play point guard. Bieber, on the other hand, looks like he might sacrifice Shane Battier to The Illuminati if he misses another free throw, which is very bossy. And, nothing insinuates a class divide quite like blocking another person's view of the floor with a $450 Just Don snapback and a criminally insane bodyguard. Well done, Swaggy B.

Winner: Drake (2-1, Justin)

Both of these looks are pretty average, but JB seriously looks like President Lady Gaga's Director of the Secret Service. Like, if an Instagram beef between the Rihanna Navy and Little Monsters ever evolved into a full-blown civil war, lieutenant generals who look like robot caterers from the future would start occupying our country's suburban malls. Imagine a post apocalyptic world in which Alexander McQueen styles imperialist warlords. That would suck balls, huh? Anyway, Heartbreak Drake wins this round by default.

Winner: Drake (2-2, tie)

There's probably a professor in the history department at Johns Hopkins University who has a more majestic sweater game than Drizzy. Other than that guy though, Drake's authority on knitted garments is absolutely unmatched. Bieber has a good look. In fact, I'm fairly certain I wore the exact same ensemble to the eighth grade dance in 1999. But, c'mon.

Winner: Justin Bieber (3-2, Justin)

Wow. These guys spend a lot of money to look like Zipper operators at the Indiana State Fair who accept crushed OxyContin en lieu of ride tickets. The swagger of this picture is enough to melt your computer screen, so we'll make this quick. Justin Bieber's DGAF "I'mma fly this G8 myself, you bitch-ass pilot!" hubris trumps Drake looking like he plays catcher for the Houstonatlantavegas Underground Kings. Point (just barely), Justin.

Winner: Drake (3-3, tie)

One of these dudes looks like a polished adult and the other one looks like he works valet at a riverboat casino. It's probably not fair to expect coattails and a pocket square from a dude who weighs 140 pounds and has a sleeve tattoo comprised of court jesters and cartoonish boomboxes, but the "hotel bartender on New Year's Eve" thing always comes with an 'L'. Easy point for Aubrey.

Winner: Justin Bieber (4-3, Justin)

Both of these alphets are clean, but Drake looks like he could shoplift a honey baked ham and a 30 rack of Keystone Light in that drop crotch. When the space between your inseam and balls is capable of holding more than $50 worth of groceries, then it's time to see a tailor. Chalk another one up for Biebs.

Winner: Tie (4-3-1, Justin)

How can you pick a winner? The "U Mad?" pomposity of this scene is enough to make whatever room you're in smell like Dom Pérignon Vintage 1961 and your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend's perfume. If you need a daily reminder that you ain't shit, bookmark this slide. Forget those frail hemophiliacs in England, this is what royalty looks like in 2014.

Winner: Drake (4-4-1, tie)

You might be wondering what a pair of half naked dudes has to do with "style," but you dweebs need to understand that pronounced traps are just as important to your overall look as tailoring and the dry cleaner. That said, Justin Bieber appears to be living on a steady diet of Molly water and Skittles, while Drake looks like he's spent the last nine hours doing trunk rotations with the wheel of a Range Rover. Point by way of first-round knockout, October's Very Own.

Winner: Justin Bieber (5-4-1, Justin)

First, shout out to both of these dudes for having the audacity to showcase their asses while wearing pearl white underpants. Sagging in navy blue trunks is one thing, but it takes the bravery of 1,000 Spartan warriors to get on stage with nothing but a thin layer of bleached cotton separating a sea of camera phones from your b-hole.

But, with his pants clearing the bottom of his ass cheeks by a good two or three inches, Bieber is decidedly more committed to sagging than Champagne Papi—but A+ effort all around, gentlemen.