A Brief History Of LeBron James' Hairline

LeBron James turned 30 last week. As we know, 30 is basically the end of anything good for human beings. Your muscles and joints start to creak and ache during mundane tasks, your skin sags from your bones "like sleeve of wizard" and you're lucky if you can keep your penis at half-mast without chemical aid. It’s the end.

But LeBron is a superhuman galactic-class athlete. He'll be one of the best players in the NBA for the duration of the decade. Sure, he's currently taking a couple weeks off to rest sore knees, but that's a minor concern compared to his one true weakness: his aging hairline.

LeBron's publicly mocked battle with follicular recession has gone on too long. It's time for a momentum shift. It's time for a fourth quarter comeback. We, the basketball watching community, who have seen him grow up before our eyes and, subsequently, his hairline recede across his dome like a steadily melting glacier, support him in his struggle. It's time to Diane Lane this life shit and age gracefully. It's time to Bruce Willis this shit and embrace the baldness with confidence.

Listen, I'm not tryna be an asshole about hair. I know and respect many men of varying ages who suffer from the bald, warriors against the cruel realities of time and genetics. It's hard, I'm sure. But LeBron can do things few humans on the entire planet can even fathom, and he's self-conscious about his hair? Dog, I'm speaking directly to my friend LeBron now, that's actually charming. It's nice to know you're human after all, but it is also distracting from your triumphs. You don't need to do this, the constant widening and repositioning of your signature headband, the rumors about experimenting with plugs. Gross. I don't know anything about hair restoration tactics, but I know letting nature do it's thing is usually the best option.

Aging without self-consciousness is a genuine modern struggle. LeBron is the the first superstar of the social media age, the first to have everything he does ripped apart by a bunch of nerdy white basketball bloggers on Twitter. But after all LeBron has conquered on the court, I wish he'd embrace the wisdom of old age. He's tasked with leading a ramshackle team of offensive players to a championship. Homie doesn't have time to worry about hair. Bron, let that shit go. Rally your troops for a late-season push and an improbable finals run where you'll eventually lose to whomever wins the West.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Brooklyn. You can follow him on Twitter here.

High School Hairline

With such a luscious head of hair in high school, I doubt young LeBron ever thought it would eventually fall strand by strand into oblivion. Actually, his face in this pic looks like someone just told him, "Dude, in 14 years most of that hair is going to be gone."

First Stint In Cleveland

Bron's first couple of years in the league were fraught with criticism, but his hairline was mostly intact. But as he crested the quarter-century mark, watchful fans could see it start to creep in at the corners and with it rose the headband. LeBron's baby blanket, that ever-expanding band of terry cloth, began to draw more attention to Bron's head than if he had just let the hair do its thing.

"The Decision"

The lowest point in James' PR career, "The Decision" was made worse by the fact that in his most-watched non-basketball event ever we could clearly see the writing on the skull. No headbands here, just purple gingham and shame.

Miami Years

I really just had to include this pic because BASTIAN. I know how you fashion kids love the Bastian. Wait, nobody wants to dress preppy anymore? Anyway, in the pic Bron had to wear sunglasses to hide the sadness in his eyes from the realization that his hairline was in faster decline than a hot for a minute #menswear trend.

The Bottom

Getting thoroughly womped by the Spurs in the 2014 finals was a turning point for LeBron. He could no longer ignore the inconsistent washedness of Dwayne Wade's HGH carousel. His hairline was in full retreat from the stress of the loss. We can only imagine his mental state, but shit might as well be as crystal clear as the faded army of hairs clinging to the forefront of his ample domepiece.

The Climax

During this past summer and into the preseason, the hairline controversy finally came to—wait for it—a head. Bron was photographed at his first practice of his second stint with the Cavs featuring a hairline at peak dad levels.

A Week Later

A week later, while unveiling the Nike LeBron 12, dude's hair was magically back. I don't know what time machine sorcery they have over in Beaverton, but if they can perfect it bald dudes around the world will be lining up like hypebeasts.

The 2K Shade

They even did our man dirty in the video games, bumping the headband up a good 3 inches to reflect reality. I can't wait for the fully-immersive Oculus experience where you can actually feel the cool breeze atop your scalp as you digitally run down the virtual court.

The Glide

LeBron and his hairline are in search of support, solidarity, guidance and inspiration. Look no further, my friend, than to Clyde "The Glide" Drexler. A member of the Dream Team, a champion in Houston and one of the smoothest dunkers of all time, Clyde was no slouch. And at 30 he was balder than a motherfucker. Like, easily balder than LeBron by a good 30%. Maybe if '90s technology had been better he'd have succumbed to the pressure, but Clyde gave zero fucks. He didn't even wear a headband, which, yes, were already invented back then. He just kept balling in the same impressive and underrated fashion he had for years. Clyde, are you out there, checking in on your SEO? Maybe you have a Google Alert set up for your name? Please send LeBron a nice handwritten note telling him it's okay to let go, just like Frozen said or whatever.