The Four Pins Guide To Fat Guy Swag

Look, I know I don't need to tell you this, but you're fat, man. While your not-fat friends spend time playing racquetball and participating in organized fleeing (aka jogging), or whatever else "regular sized" people do to maintain their physiques, you were lying around your house in your 4XL basketball shorts playing League of Legends, eating Cinnabons by the box and drinking gallons of Baja Blast.

Rest your quickly and erratically beating heart, fellow fat guy. I am not here to tell you to put down the 'Bon and cancel that Domino's order and hit the P90X, especially because I'm not sure what that even in exactly. I am here to do what no one did for me when I was a #fatteen. I am going to provide a practical guide for how fat guys should dress themselves.

There is no truly helpful guide on how to dress or what kinds of clothes to wear when you're a fat guy because 1. Fashion people want you to feel shamed for being shaped like you are and 2. There's inherently less money in fat guy thinkpiece lists. When there are "guides" on how fat guys should dress, they usually emphasize making you look less fat or their biggest tip is to wear suspenders like you're the Nutty Professor.

I say enough is enough. There's no shame in being fat, but there's also no one out there telling you what you need to know when it comes to clothing yourself. Let's change that.

[Lead image via Pop Revolver]

Andrew Winistorfer is famous for being the fat kid who loves cake that 50 Cent mentioned on "21 Questions." He lives in Madison, Wisconsin and he's on Twitter here.

Don't Wear Sweatpants Or T-Shirts Too Much

Fat man fashion is largely centered on covering girth in the least obtrusive way possible, which means 90% of the clothes available are either T-shirts or sweatpants. You would think that this is a dank way to live, but when you're a fat man everyone already assumes you've given up on life, and if you're seen in public too often rocking your ironic 4XL Three Wolf tee and sweats, you start looking not only fat, but sad. And there is no creature more swaggerless and more pitiful than the sad fat man.

So, limit yourself to wearing T-shirts only a couple days a week and make sure they cover both your butt crack and also the bottom of your belly—the silent problem of the fat guy T-shirt industry—and wearing sweatpants in public only on weekends. After all, when you're fat, all your pants are literally sweat pants.

Switch To Boxer Briefs

This Louis CK bit is the truest thing that has ever been said/written/discovered about fat guys, their crotch and the fabric they use to cover their dongs. Seriously, just switch to boxer briefs. Your shaft and beanbag will thank you.

Get A Fat Guy Friendly Tailor

This is probably the best advice I can give for a fat guy looking to wear clothes with some swag. Unlike your thin friend who can walk into Uniqlo and find many clothing options that fit him perfectly, it is almost virtually impossible for a fat guy to walk into a store and find clothes off the rack that fit well. Because fat guy clothing manufacturers know that the worst thing fat guy clothes can be is too small, they make everything way too big, even for the fattest bros amongst us.

Specifically, it’s damn near impossible to find fat guy jeans in any inseam other than 30 or 32 and our jeans don't come with cool names like "low rise" and "slim-straight." Nope, we get shit like "loose fit" and "relaxed fit." That means fat guys wearing blue jeans either have legs that are as wide as JNCOs (those never really went away for fat guys) because Wrangler assumes your ankles are somehow as wide as your thighs or have inseams that are so long our jeans are rolled up 4 inches like you're a sad fat man baby who hasn't grown into his legs yet.

A good tailor can solve that problem for you. I got my first pair of tailored jeans earlier this year and I'm never going back. A good tailor can make your jeans look like your legs have some definition, he can give you an inseam that you don’t walk on and he can do more for making you look like a well kept fat guy than basically anyone on earth. Get a tailor. You deserve it.

Wearing The Right Shoes Is Crucial, And Not Just For Looking Dope

Obviously, if you're reading this website, you know the importance of having shoes and sneakers that dudes around you will call "lit" or "fire." But as a fat guy, you need to pick shoes that don’t just look cool. They need extra padding and they gotta hold your big ass upright. You are not going to be able to wear shoes without ankle support, fam. You will probably be wearing something from New Balance for the rest of your life.

Also, as a summer sidebar, flip-flops are the most anti-fat guy piece of clothing ever devised by the fashion industry. They are traps to get fat guys to do one of three things:

1. Break a toe.

2. Fall down comically when the 1-inch strap of rubber holding up your 300-pound ass breaks.

3. Roll an ankle.

If I ever get rich, I'm coming for the flip-flop industry for being discriminatory.

Big And Tall Stores Are Your Friend

I know, you can "still fit" into clothes from the Big and Tall section of JCPenney or wherever else your mom used to buy your clothes. I know, you don't want to be seen going in to a Big and Tall store because it would be admitting you're the kind of person who needs to go to a special store in order to find clothes that fit.

But your idea of Big and Tall stores is antiquated and mostly predicated on how you felt about wearing "husky" clothes as a kid. Big and Tall stores are starting to get a bunch of dope clothes from actual fashion designers. You can go in and cop fly fat guy shit from Polo and Calvin Klein and not have to settle for Big Dogs or whatever. We're a ways off from "hip" brands rolling out a line of fat guys clothes, but we're at least getting decent non-generic clothes now.

Once You Define Your Fat Guy Swag, Stock Up

This is the part where I'm supposed to tell you what’s "in" for 2015 or whatever, but I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea. One of the realities of being a fat guy is that the "fall preview" or "summer collection" of any "trendy" or "cool" fashion brand has never applied to any of us. GQ might be able to tell you that you should load up on espadrilles and Alexander Wang hoodies and drop crotch leather onesies or whatever, but none of those products are ever going to come in your size, and those glossy features and editorials are not directed at you anyway. They're directed at your thin, swagless coworker in the red jeans. So, no, I can't tell you that you should be wearing floral patterns this season or whatever. I don't know.

But the biggest advice (fat pun wholly intended) I can give you is that once you decide on your non-sweats, non T-shirt style, you need to strike while the iron is hot and load up on the brands that don't make you look like you're Homer wearing a muumuu. Fat guy brands can come and go quickly, so if you find something that works, get multiples. I own one perfect flannel shirt and it pains me every single day that I didn't buy 6 of them when I had the chance. Avoid my fate, fellow fats. Buy your brands and buy them often. Godspeed out there.