It's early Monday morning and you're gazing into the bathroom mirror. A defeated reflection stares back. "Fuck, I'm ugly," you murmur, gingerly probing your ever receding hairline with the tips of your ghoulish, almost apparitional fingers. It's funny how they remain so stoically skeletal in spite of your otherwise doughy make up. Are you terminally ill? Your overly dilated pupils look ready to explode. The 5,000 hours per annum you spend mindlessly sifting through your Instagram feed—a feed crammed with photos of happier, more attractive people—has taken its toll on your already debilitated soul.

Well, these $1,500 crust leather Dick Oven Geobaskets should do a pretty swell job of keeping your unsurprisingly webbed feet warm while you cry-wank over the undubbed version of Akira alone in bed three times a month.

Moksha August is a serial Four Pins commenter turned writer. I guess you could say that he started from the bottom. Haha, that's the spot. You can follow him on Twitter here.