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Look, I know I don't need to tell you this, but you're fat, man. While your not-fat friends spend time playing racquetball and participating in organized fleeing (aka jogging), or whatever else "regular sized" people do to maintain their physiques, you were lying around your house in your 4XL basketball shorts playing League of Legends, eating Cinnabons by the box and drinking gallons of Baja Blast.

Rest your quickly and erratically beating heart, fellow fat guy. I am not here to tell you to put down the 'Bon and cancel that Domino's order and hit the P90X, especially because I'm not sure what that even in exactly. I am here to do what no one did for me when I was a #fatteen. I am going to provide a practical guide for how fat guys should dress themselves.

There is no truly helpful guide on how to dress or what kinds of clothes to wear when you're a fat guy because 1. Fashion people want you to feel shamed for being shaped like you are and 2. There's inherently less money in fat guy thinkpiece lists. When there are "guides" on how fat guys should dress, they usually emphasize making you look less fat or their biggest tip is to wear suspenders like you're the Nutty Professor.

I say enough is enough. There's no shame in being fat, but there's also no one out there telling you what you need to know when it comes to clothing yourself. Let's change that.

[Lead image via Pop Revolver]

Andrew Winistorfer is famous for being the fat kid who loves cake that 50 Cent mentioned on "21 Questions." He lives in Madison, Wisconsin and he's on Twitter here