The resident swag lords of the best menswear website on the Internet school you on the basics of the alphet-bet.

It feels like wearing “all-black everything” to anything not fashion-related makes you look like a desperate poseur. Any knowledge to dispense on the matter?

You’re overthinking it. Wearing all black is a simple get-out-of-jail-free card for just about any situation. I think of picking the color of my alphet the same way I think about picking the color of a car. White is going to get insanely dirty insanely quickly; red looks like you’re screaming for attention; blue is pretty safe, but it depends on the shade. Black? Well, black is dependable. It doesn’t require much upkeep in the wash because it won’t show stains easily. Black will get you into the club without a second thought. The only boundary you must be wary of is how you layer it. We associate the all-black silhouette with Rick Owens so much that we begin to think of any outfit we see in black as “high fashion” or some such obnoxious shit. But as long as you keep it simple and unfettered with jeans and a tee, you’re fine. No one is looking at you. — Skylar Bergl

I read your website all the time and take notes, so why the hell am I still not getting laid?

All right, I’m only going to say this once. DRESSING WELL WILL NOT AND SHOULD NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET YOU ANY SEXUAL GRATIFICATION. I mean, would you want to be with someone so shallow that they would sleep with you based on the strength of your alphet alone? Actually, don’t answer that. Instead of trying to explain what’s so wrong with assuming “style=sex,” I’m going to congratulate you on at least working on one tiny facet of yourself. Now that you know how to dress, how about you work on the rest of you? Maybe try and travel, learn a new language, learn how to cook, or spend time reading about the struggles of other people in order to become a more empathetic, worldly, and ultimately more attractive human being. The annoying thing about trying to attract other people is you have to be a pretty decent, well-rounded person first. Last thought: How about spending less time worrying about why your drop crotch isn’t getting you any action and perfect, like, your oral sex skills? I bet any potential sexual partner will be way more interested in that than how well you dress. — Jon Moy

Valentine’s Day is coming up and by some miracle I have a girlfriend. I also have an unquenchable thirst for fire jawnz. Do I go hard on the love tip and buy bae something nice or cheap out on her gift and save my money for myself?

Thank fucking god you submitted this question because by the looks of things on purely a surface level, you seem like a real piece of garbage. Yo, off top, I can think of 11 other months out of the year where you can firmly put yourself first and cop all the fire jawnz your little black heart desires. How about hooking up the ONE chick who is willing to put up with all your shit and glaring flaws during the ONE holiday that was legitimately invented for the sake of keeping her around for the rest of the calendar year? So, yes, for once in your life, put someone else’s needs before your own and “go hard on the love tip,” not just in the bedroom, but with your bankroll. Did Four Pins just save your relationship? Yes. FYI, we’re gonna need a plus-3 for the wedding. — Lawrence Schlossman

Fam, in what weather can I wear my A.P.C. Kanye sleeveless hoodie? I’m hot and cold at the same time.

It sounds like you’re coming down from a weekend-long Molly binge. So first, drink a lot of water to let your core temperature even out. Then, when your pupils have finally un-dilated, plop on the ’Ye-P.C. sleeveless hoodie and go for the morning coffee when as few people are in public as possible to avoid embarrassment. Ideally, the temperature is somewhere between 65 and 70 degrees. That’s the sweet spot. You should be a little chilly—that means later in the day you’ll be A-OK. — S.B.

You guys post a lot of clothes—often, really ridiculous shit—but what would readers find if they were to invade your closets? For your dignity, we’ll ask to keep the findings pertinent to clothing and shoes—do not include any black light results.

Not gonna lie, my closet is full of some pretty ridiculous shit. I got a few ponchos, some shawls, and a metric ton of vintage scarves—I know. Also because I’m bald, I have more hats than Drake has bars about girls he used to fuck. Bucket hats, baseball hats, knit caps, fedoras, so many snapbacks. If I took a census of the brands in my closet, Engineered Garments would be in the majority by far. Followed up closely by Junya and my best friend Robert Geller. There’s also some Machus private label long shirts, 3sixteen regular tees, some shit from Monitaly, vintage western shirts, and a bunch of old M-51 field jackets. Oh, and fishtail parkas. I got some Italian jackets. Shit, and a rack of vintage coaches’ jackets. In the corner there’s a grip of bootleg BAPE and BBC gear I bought on a lark in Shanghai. I’m starting to realize how fucked up of a problem I really have here. As far as footwear, I have every size 10.5 sneaker that anyone at the Complex offices didn’t want. I collect those twice a year and it’s like I get to celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. I have two pairs of decent Nikes and a few pairs of what my Editor-in-Chief describes as “struggle sneakers.” I have way too many boots, and almost all of them are sand suede with crepe soles. And some double monks. What, you thought I sold them all ’cause I stay well off? There you go, you nosy motherfuckers. That’s all you get. See you next month, you insufferable barbarians. — J.M.

I gotta know, is there some sort of wait period after copping fire jawnz before you rock them? Or is it more of a stunt/flex as soon as you cop?

I normally prescribe to the “do you” school of life under the assumption that every person is unique and different. You’re the best judge of how you should approach and handle things. With that being said, I cannot fucking stand dudes who do whatever it takes to cop something only to sit on it. As far as I am concerned, the gestation period for when a fire jawn should matriculate from one’s closet to one’s corporeal being is roughly -10 seconds. I’m not saying you should be sent to an internment camp if you don’t wear your newest sneakers out of the store, but putting something you love on ice for any extended period of time should at least be a misdemeanor. This is going to sound wild counterintuitive, especially coming from the Editor-in-Chief of the Internet’s premier flexing periodical, so bear with me. Put aside the stunting for just a second and disregard the joy that comes with eviscerating the haters and fuccbois. Think about how that new purchase is going to make you feel. Pretty fucking good, right? Exactly. So, wear your shit and maybe wear it now. Like I said, by all means, do you. Just make sure you’re also doing it for you. — L.S.

This feature originally appeared in the February/March issue of Complex.

Illustration by Duke Aber

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