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When celebrities fuck up, they have to repent and they have to repent in the form of a tell-all interview on television. This is a time-honored tradition dating back to the dark ages of TV (idk, like, the '90s?) and, depending on the type of celebrity and severity of their transgressions, the interview can come in many different forms. If you're Charlie Sheen, you have to pay for being a buck ass psychotic cokehead who invents dumb catchphrases by talking to ABC for an excruciating hour-long special. If you're Lil Wayne and your only crime is being benignly on drugs, excessively strange and insanely popular, yet unpalatable to mainstream America, you end up with Katie Couric. If you're Vanilla Ice, Jon Stewart lets you smash an entire soundstage with a baseball bat. And if you're Shia LaBeouf, well, you get Ellen.

Now, first thing's first: Shia LaBeouf is a famous person whose name is extremely hard to pronounce. This means that America has decided he was a genuinely talented actor and despite his insane, conventionally unbankable name, he was worth caring about to the point where he would get really famous. Knowing that America has a lot of hope in your acting abilities must be sort of a mindfuck and it has, throughout the years, caused Shia LaBeouf to occasionally act a goddamn fool.

Late last week, he appeared in front of the high priestess of daytime television to atone for his laundry list of sins, which include, but are not limited to: wearing a paper bag over his face on the red carpet, letting people be mean to him for the sake of art, drunk driving, spitting on a cop, declaring his Twitter account was meta performance art and, in 2007, getting arrested for being drunk in a Walgreens. I dunno about some of that shit, but, honestly, who amongst us can't say they were fucked up in a Walgreens before? Those shits are open 24 hours. Sometimes you're drunk and need snacks. And, sometimes, a Walgreens is the only place to feed the beast that is your drunk stomach.

Anyways, Shia LaBeowulf (that’s what his friends call him, yes, I'm Shia LaBeouf's friend) sat in front of Ellen and America and calmly, but firmly explained all of this away. And he did it while looking like a goddamn champ, wearing a dull green sweater that seemed to say, "I have read books!" and sporting a beard that definitely said, "I have read MANY books!"

This isn't the first time Shia LaBeouf has descended from upon high to casually sneeze a metric fuck-liter of sartorial knowledge upon the unsuspecting sheeple of America. If you need more proof, please start scrolling through the gallery above featuing a variety of Shia LaBeouf's dopest alphets that prove, in addition to being a sorta-kinda-probably crazy person, he's also sorta-kinda-probably good at putting on clothes in the morning.

Drew Millard wrote this while ghostwriting Jaden Smith's dream journal. You can read more of his work on Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.