If the clothes maketh the man, beauty products maketh the gods. Yes, folks, that’s truly the thin line between the well-dressed serf and guys flanked by winged, trumpet-playing babies: a glowing complexion, velveteen skin and a radiant beard that sits indomitable like Moses’s burning bush just moments before its celestial combustion.

Stay away from beauty products and remain merely mortal. Add too many to your regimen and you’re in a Fall Out Boy music video that parodies Some Like It Hot (sidenote: someone do that). It seems men can’t win!!!!!!! The trick is to find products that enhance your natural masculinity without playing anything up, which sounds maybe like copy for a Viagra ad, so let me just say that I have found 15 beauty products that will make your life better and are totally OK to wear according to a woman and that woman is me. If you don’t like the word "beauty", then fine, "grooooommmiiiingggg products," you big baby.

I haven’t tested any of these because, if you did not know, I am a woman. But I have seen them in the bathroom cabinets of some of our country’s finest men; witnessed them on the faces of some of the proudest underachieving heroes who my mom sort of liked and my dad thought were total “nimrods.” And that, my friends, is what counts as a ringing endorsement, at least on the Internet, where the standards are low and the slideshows are long. Chuck out that gel deodorant and Head & Shoulders, ‘cause we’re about to go straight Groomswear.

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.

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