10 Problematic People You Encounter in the Parking Lot

Spotting a parking lot in a city is like seeing a wonderful oasis in the middle of a desert only to discover that the trees are all made of cardboard and that the water is just a pool of acid rain. It's, at long last, a place to put your car, but it's chock full of absolute idiots who seem like they have never seen a horseless carriage before, let alone driven one.

They are lurking outside of every grocery store, mall, and overpriced event lot in the world, and it's your job to skillfully avoid these 10 Problematic People You Encounter in the Parking Lot.

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Profile: Fur, look of desperation, panting

The person who doesn't care how quickly it can get dangerously hot in a car on even a relatively comfortable day isn't actually in the parking lot, so that douche isn't on this list. Instead, we had to include the dog stuck in a 120-degree car staring out the window, desperate to see said douchebag once more.

Profile: Knock-off Carrera sunglasses, spiky hair, driving something with a non-functional aftermarket spoiler and some fake sponsor decals.

That's not the rear bumper of a minivan, it's an apex; that's not a stop sign, it's a man waving a green flag; that's not a lady pushing a stroller, it's a chicane; and that's not a sane person trying to find a parking spot, it's the competition. There's always that guy doing 38 mph in an insane attempt to get to a spot first, or just feel the sensation of piloting a fast car around a famous circuit, despite a Toyota Yaris not being a fast car, and a Target parking lot not being Laguna Seca.

Profile: Well dressed, accompanied by a single chld in a three-row monster of a vehicle, needs caffine now.

Do you know who's important? More important even than every president and prime minister combined? Sheryl. Sheryl really needs her caffeine fix, and her life has been so stressful ever since she took on teaching that one Zumba class alongside her already hectic schedule as a alcoholic who hired two nannies mother. That's why she's justified in flying around the corner and diving into your spot that you had already rightfully claimed using your turn signal.

Profile: No distinct profile.

By all means, keep an eye on pedestrians who are probably about to get in their cars and leave, thus freeing a spot. Just don't pull up just a few feet behind them and creep along slowly in an attempt to show other drivers that this pedestrian is yours. That's weird and creepy and would probably make us walk to the farthest spot possible so said stalker will turn away in discouragement.

Profile: Stained grey sweatpants, stained white sneakers, general aura of laziness, neck beard

Cars are faster than people. That's pretty much the whole damn point. That's why it's so bloody annoying when some tool is slowly waddling along the middle of the lane. Staying to one side so that cars pass inconveniences nobody, but wandering around like a lost duckling annoys the crap out of everyone.

Profile: So much smug that you can smell it, older luxury car with vanity license plate.

Shopping carts are evil, evil creatures hell bent on picking up speed in a light breeze and scratching paint and cracking tail lights. That's why we place clever prisons for them around parking lots. Only people who have delusions of grandeur regarding their own self worth and no sense of decency fail to return their cars to the corrals.

Profile: "Fix Or Repair Daily" trucker hat, T-shirt with ripped off sleeves, driving a beat up '80s muscle car.

Off in the pseudo-isolation of the emptiest part of the lot is a dude who plans on doing donuts and burnouts until the cops are there giving him a firm talking to.

Profile: Very little clothing, heels, legs like Aphrodite

She's not dangerous herself, but you might run your nice new car right into a shopping car left out by the lazy shopper or not notice the oblivious pedestrian in your way if you don't stop staring. She won't hurt you, but she'll cause you to hurt yourself.

Profile: Tank top, cargo shorts, copy of "The Game" stored in glove compartment, driving a conspicuously clean lifted Silverado.

Be wary when driving anywhere near this dude, his pathological need to look confident has rendered his driving erratic and overly quick. The result is that he's swinging his gigantic truck into or out of that parking spot way to fast, and it's only a matter of time until he dents a bumper, door, or shin with that big chrome tow hitch and its unfortunate, dangling accessory.

Profile: White hair, slumped posture, answers to "Methuselah," driving a Mercury Grand Marquis.

This person isn't much of a danger to people or property, but he or she is definitely a serious threat to your schedule. You can't afford to spend 17 minutes waiting for the dodecagenarian in front of you to finish a 43-point turn getting out of a parking space, especially given that this is a massive and spacious lot in middle America.