15 Signs You're Too Obsessed With a Pro Athlete

Crying over sports is acceptable up until you're like 13 years old. After that, you should be crying over girls and student loan debt. Being a sports fan can take its emotional toll, but c'mon—suck it up. Don't cry about it. Just because the guys on the field shed tears of joy or sorrow when they win or lose, doesn't mean you should join them. For one, they're actually playing. They're investing a fan's emotion, their personal feelings, plus their own physical exertion. You? You're sitting at home getting your couch cushions soaked in tears because your favorite athlete—someone who you probably only know through the glow of your television set—just won or lost. Chin up, bro.

You've actually had the opportunity to meet your favorite pro athlete. Maybe it was at a fan event. Then you two ran into each other on the street, and him/her gave you the time of day. As the weeks went by, you twisted those two encounters into more than what they were. Your mind is doing crazy mental gymnastics to get you to believe that you were meant to be BFFs. Next thing you know, you show up at their house with a 6er and guacamole just wanting to "kick it like old times," and you end up in jail for trespassing. Basically, don't take an athlete's kindness and appreciation for your fanhood as the start of a friendship. We know it's hard, but believe us, they have plenty of friends.

In the darkest, most password protected corners of your mind, this exists. You've let your daydreaming get a little out of control, and would gladly slip into bed with LeBron James, Ronaldo, Serena Williams or whoever the lucky athlete is. It doesn't matter that you might have a real-life significant other in bed next to you—you just sometimes wonder how a threesome with your No. 1 athlete would end up. The way you see it, his/her performance on the field gives you the most joy in life, so why not complete the cycle of pleasure with a tender relationship with them? In short, you're a weirdo.

Emulating an athlete's style on the field is one thing, but their fashion sense off the court? And cutting your hair to look like theirs? And studying their cadences and mannerisms during press conferences? Now you might be going too far. Every kid in America has practiced Derek Jeter's batting stance or Kobe's fadeaway jumper, but wearing Russell Westbrook's nerd glasses or styling our hair to look like Ronaldo? FOH. No thanks. Let's breathe some individualism back into this situation.

If you didn't know by now, games are won and lost by teams, not individuals. If you love Derrick Rose, and were happy to see the Bulls go down this year without him, then you are truly wicked. Taking extra solace in your favorite athlete's individual performance when his or her team is struggling shouldn't feel right, because odds are, they don't give a damn about their box score. They want to win, no matter their own personal statistics and highlights. Although you may be obsessed, take your favorite athlete's lead and become a team player.

If it's not enough to already aspire to look like your desired athlete, you want to think like them to. Appeal to their successful minds and hard work which got them to the level they're at today. It's yet another blow to your individuality. The thing is, not all athletes are the sharpest tools in the shed. Like, asking yourself, "What would Luis Suarez do?" in any situation will not yield positive results. Think for yourself.

We put athletes on a pedestal and hold them to a higher social standard because of their status. There's no law or clause in their contracts that force them to be role models, but it's expected of them. Still, they're human just like the rest of us, and are prone to make horrible mistakes. There's a place in every mistake for reconciliation, but blindly defending them is unwarranted. If you're one of those people who are somehow defending Aaron Hernandez right now, then your morals are seriously screwed. Put your conscience over your obsession.

Everything else on this list is a behavioral oddity that can be corrected. This, however, is permanent. You can't undo a tattoo (unless you want to deal with and pay for painful tattoo removal). So if you're considering getting a tattoo that has anything at all to do with your favorite athlete, just think for a moment. These guys are totally independent adults, and are subject to major fuck ups. In the heat of the moment, getting a back tattoo in honor of Barry Bonds might've been cool 10 years ago (actually, it never was), but now you just look like an idiot. Don't be that creepy fool who gets someone else's face permanently inked onto your body. And if you already are that guy? Well there's a tattoo removal Groupon for that.

Your friends must be impressed. Every other week, you have a new Instagram photo with your fave pro athlete. The likes are pouring in, and you're getting the classic post-Instagram high. You're basking in your reflective glory. Really, it all comes at the cost of your dignity. You track your athlete's movements using social media and gossip websites—hell, maybe you're even subscribed to BallerAlert. Low-profile stalking is still stalking.

Taking a bullet for a loved one is a virtuous act of love. A mother guarding her children, a husband pushing his wife out of danger, secret service jumping in front of the president—these are all noble acts born out of a real mutual caring and responsibility for one another. But your favorite pro athlete probably has no idea who you are—you're not friends, lovers, or even professionally acquainted. If you honestly value your favorite athlete's life over your own, you might want to seek help, or at least give your mom a call.

First off, we have to give props to the original obsessive shrine creator, Helga G. Pataki from Hey Arnold. If you have anything close to resembling the bubble-gum Arnold statue that she created, then props on the commitment and sculpting abilities. (Not really, throw that thing away and get outside more often.) Nothing's wrong with enjoying public monuments or statues of famous people, but building a personal worship station inside of your house is a sure sign of obsession.

So many tears will be shed for the first child (if it hasn't happened already) whose name is "LeBron Jordan." That poor kid has to live his life with the names of two NBA superstars attached. What if he doesn't even like basketball? And it's all because his shallow father loves Jordan and his obsessed mother always wanted to be Mrs. James. SMH. Look, it's great that you want to pay homage to an athlete who was a big inspiration in your life, but don't put that on your kid.

There are plenty of ways to worship a pro athlete without, um literally worshipping them. But don't tell that to a select bunch of Argentines who created "Iglesia Maradoniana," or the "Church of Maradona." Yes, these guys actually founded a religion featuring Diego Maradona as their deity. Whether you want to view it as a parody religion or not is up to you, but when in the history of humanity has religion ever been taken as a joke (except to Non-Theists and Atheists)? Ultimately, followers of Iglesia Maradoniana are taking the time out of their lives to organize themselves to physically and spiritually worship Maradona. That may be going a bit overboard. If you're anywhere close to considering becoming a pioneer for Jordanism or RGTheism, you might want to step back and just join a fan club for fuck's sake.