How Your Favorite EPL Footballers Actually Dress

As an avid sports fan, I've given this question a bit of thought: If I could somehow be engineered into a superstar professional athlete, what sport would I want to pursue? The NBA and NFL require unnaturally large bodies that'll age unkindly, plus those leagues are salary capped, so that's out of the question. MLB is boring. I prefer having great teeth and healthy facial bones, so hockey is a no-go. I'd have to go with soccer. Soccer players are generally tall, but not too tall, extremely fit, and in Europe their salaries know no limit.

Being a superstar European soccer player is really the pinnacle of a hedonistic human existence: While you're still young and sexually supercharged, you're rich, famous, and in amazing shape. If your ego is so inclined, to properly look the part of a wealthy guy who commands respect and power, you're going to want to dress damned well. There's no excuse to not seize your demigod status within pop culture. While some players around the English Premier League let their clothes enhance their overall image, others need help with basic layering. From Didier Drogba's Eurotrash fits to Daniel Sturridge's portraits of a young hypebeast, this is How Your Favorite EPL Footballers Actually Dress.

This is a finely developed European swaglord. Samuel Eto'o has played in Italy, England, Russia, Spain, and Turkey. He's a European style melting pot, but discernibly so. Still, his dress isn't necessarily impressive when stacked up against bros who have been worshipping Kanye and hip-hop styles. A year playing for an NYC MLS club would bring his alphet game to Four-Pins street style levels, yo.

We've dug extensively into Daniel Sturridge's style decisions before. You know that he's going to be the best dressed motherfucker in 98 percent of rooms he steps in to. He dresses how every 24-year-old strugglord fawshin icon dresses in their dreams. Sturridge, however, can actually pull off those looks and chiefly, he can afford high-end jawns. You can't front on Sturridge's designer hustle.

Oh okay, we see you Samir Nasri. Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers, goth looks, and Balmain biker jeans? He's killing it.

Raheem Sterling dresses like the coolest kid at a rich high school. (He wasn't raised as such though.) Crisp clothes (obstensively due to mother's luxury laundry service and dry cleaning), simple colors, and universally respected and versatile brands give Sterling's alphet choices life.

A dope camo jacket and basic layering stylings has 18-year-old Jordon Ibe on the way to swagdom.

That navy bomber may or may not be satin and may or may not have questionable linear detailing, but hey: There are plenty of bombers in the sea. Yung Ox-Mo is getting there.

The basics of being a great Spanish player: 1) Get an awesome haircut (and/or maintain a perfect beard), 2) Dress in dark solids, 3) Keep up a really chill vibe. Juan Mata knows this.

Another way of explaining the “Proper Spaniard”: A gentleman who's one season of bolder style choices away from looking like complete Eurotrash.

Adam Lallana looks like he got hooked up with a few hundred dollars worth in Simon Malls gift cards. But, actually, he's a model for French Connection, so the joke kind of ends here.

Urban Outfitters are in malls too.

I just don't even know where to even begin to search for garments that look like that. Maybe in Miami (a place Drogba frequents). I don't know. I mean I know I'd have to start the search in Europe, but Europe is a huge place and that jacket fucking sucks. Money can't buy taste.

He completely owns these looks though, tbh. If Mario Balotelli dressed in THAT white coat appeared on my right shoulder and another Balotelli dressed in THAT black coat appeared on my left shoulder, I'd value their dissenting opinions equally. (The angelic lighting in the photos helps.) Balotelli's looks are unquestionable. Shit, it's called dressing with conviction.

First order of business when it comes to being Falcao: Remember to go with Monaco Yacht Club attire or risk losing sauna privileges.

This guy never moved on from the boyish wonder of Express Men, Diesel, and Guess?. Joe Hart leads the league in “going out shirt” purchases.

That's a chain printed onto a t-shirt. Jersey Shore club attire has come a long way.

Hoodies x plain t's x oversized snapbacks = X-Games street style 2015.

If Luke Shaw had a bowel movement in those jeans they'd split at the seams. My entire lower body is getting uncomfortable just looking at this outfit. This is what happens with a man-sized man wears clothes made for petite skinny-fat dudes.

A long-sleeve polo is the first thing a young chav should receive when beginning his path to the real world.

Jack Wilshere looks as if his mother never stopped buying him clothes. Like, she shops at more expensive places and shit cause her son's a footballer, but her inspirations will always come from Primark.

Rio Ferdinand's outfit matches your aesthetically dead local library: Everything is a different shade of brown. The drabness encourages the silence and vice versa. Just imagining either the library or Ferdinand's sportcoat causes a stale worn-out couch smell to develop.

Rocawear and Sean John, whaddup! Knockoff department store brand versions of American Eagle and Express, get in this photo too! Don't be shy.

This outfit is exactly how the average white male pencilpushers of the British Empire like to dress on “holiday.”

If you raided the closets of 1,000 random blue collar white British men, you'd find these exact outfits already styled together and hung-up in garment bags. Steven Gerrard's style is entry level.

Alex Song would also be a great NBA player.