Image via Complex Original
It's summer and sometimes, as a sports fan, that can be a real drag. If you don't like America's pastime, what are you supposed to do for the next few months, live your life? If you need some help figuring out what to do with all your down time, take a note from a couple of the biggest names in the world of sports.
From Kobe Bryant instructing his daughters on the cruel ways of the world to Carmelo Anthony plotting his revenge on Kevin Garnett, we'll clue you in on what the household names in sports are up to during this annual dry spell (or, at least, what they should be doing) in What Your Favorite Athlete Superstars Will Be Doing This Summer.
And don't worry because Hard Knocks is just around the corner, which represents the start of a whole 'nother season wearing down that couch, cheering for a uniform and watching other dudes play a game. Guess it's kind of weird when you put it like that.
Terrell Owens
T.O. will spend another summer begging for employment to cover a fraction of the debt he's racked up. Unfortunately, he’s blown every opportunity. The reason you don’t act like a diva who puts himself before team is because it cuts your career short when everyone realizes your speed has declined and your hands are still made of bricks. Benefit of the doubt lost. T.O.'s best hope is to shut up (for once) and hope a nasty flu epidemic forces some receivers to take a season-long leave of absence. Well that...or pray that this celebrity diving "craze" takes off.
Dwyane Wade
D-Wade's got a long agonizing summer ahead after winning another title and banking $17M. Now he's got to spend "quality time" with Gabrielle Union on a white sand beach in the Caribbean and less time bromancing with LeBron. Holdout Wade, the sweet freedom of death is coming for us all.
Manti Te'o
This summer, he'll go to Congress and petition that liars on the Internet should be incarcerated. The Manti Act will be supported by anyone who's been pestered by a troll (in other words anyone with a modem but especially those who refer to a "woman" they've known for over a year but never met as "the love of their life.") How many hours did he waste chatting up a turd nugget? That's theft of life. We can totally get behind that law, Manti and we're sure anybody who's ever tried to date online will too.
Carmelo Anthony
The season is over and David Stern is sleeping in a coffin until next November, so the time has come. Kevin Garnett's ass isn't gonna kick itself. KG won't have that BA with a whistle holding Melo back from a much needed "conversation." Carmelo isn't gonna let him get away with the second most disrespectful thing you can tell a man (behind "your wife tastes like Apple Jacks"). Honor is all a man's got and there's no greater honor in life then grappling with a dude who compared your gal to a breakfast cereal.
Ray Lewis
The man who's been with the Ravens since their inception has a new routine for the first time in 18 summers. He's in unfamiliar territory. His type of intensity is hard to channel without taking it out on a petrified receiver crossing the middle. He's taking classes to figure out how to talk without invoking God in every sentence, but you can't undo a lifetime of insanity. He'll be back babbling his trademark nonsense and scaring the shit out of audiences this fall.
Dwight Howard
After playing out the soap opera that's sure to be his free agency period, our man Dwight will do what he always does: lat raises and rear delt work. Then, scoop up his next baby mama or two or three and after that, maybe he'll decide what franchise he wants to terrorize play for next.
Brett Favre
Is he still relevant? No, and that's the problem. It's that time of year where the itch returns and the old rotator cuff starts to feel like it has a few more passes left. Plus, how's that ego going to get stroked without journalistic heavyweight Ed Werder cornering him in the carryout lot? A life without an interchangeable ESPN "reporter" on the lawn isn't a life worth living. Actually having to hash out the Jenn Sterger fiasco with the wife has been more bothersome then previously anticipated, so who the fuck needs a QB!? Jacksonville, Tennessee, Arizona...you got the cell on speed dial.
Aaron Rodgers
The torch was passed and the clock's ticking on the best QB in the league. He needs to win another championship if only to shove it up his predecessor's hole. Aaron's got one, Brett got one (if anyone cares Bart Starr has two), but like a family that relies on air conditioning, that window's closing. In this league, your career is always one James Harrison bull-rush away from extinction and in a conference with Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick, 29 years old can start to feel, well, old. Rodgers knows if you're facing a lifetime as a vegetable do it right with all the nurses admiring your hardware.
So Aaron will be getting drunk on workahol in a career defined by the enormous chip he's had on his rocket right shoulder (from getting one major college offer, to having to wait "all the way" to 24th overall, to having to backup a wishy washy legend). This is the summer Rodgers goes all out treading tires in the yard and firing lasers to the kids in the neighborhood until their hands are blistered and they "need" to go in. Little kids are pussies, Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb are not. The Year of Rodgers starts in July.
Derrick Rose
It'll take a mighty effort to undo the damage that ACL has done both physically and with the fans. These Chicago types can be a fickle bunch. So like it or not, a major chunk of this summer won't be spent on the shores of Lake Michigan but instead, inside a gym sweating his ass off hoping like hell he can get his mind off the fact that his knee could go after any jump. Plus, they'll be all over his shit until that first 30-point outing or until Jay Cutler rolls his eyes in Week 2 and it gets blown way out of pro-fucking-portion. Short attention spans, that's what sports is about.
Robert Griffin III
Another man whose season fell short thanks to a pesky ACL. RGIII will be using the summer getting used to balancing a profession where barbarians try to injure you on Sunday and observers get worked up the rest of the week. That's a lot of BS to throw on a 23-year-old's plate. So, Robert will be working this summer on learning the ridiculous expectations some have for players in the league.
Now that he's proving he's the Madden version of Michael Vick, he's gonna need to mentally prepare for NFLers targeting that knee for the next 15 seasons. This is the first test. The crazy 260-pound behemoth who can run a 4.4 and also thinks it's healthy competition to use whatever is in their arsenal to get an edge over a competitor. That means he's preparing to feel some "inadvertent" twists in the pile. Get used to it.
He's also getting used to the media that needs to whine 24/7 when Washington fans voluntarily buy him wedding gifts and some dick reports it to get people outraged. Just nod and say, "I'm sorry, I should've known better." This is the real world kid and it totally sucks.
Russell Westbrook
He could go the petty rout and plot his revenge on Patrick Beverley (his knee won't cap on its own) but you know he's got his eye on a guest spot on any red carpet. E! could use a metro who turns his nose up at a t-shirt and jeans and instead dons a bold number like that up top. It'll look good on the resume when the basketball thing plays out. Screw NBA Countdown, Joan Rivers is knocking on the Grim Reaper's door and those pointless PR inspired interviews aren't heading anywhere. Also look for him to make a statement at ESPN's "Stupidest Programming Yet," also known as, the ESPYs.
Tom Brady
Unfortunately, Mr. Bundchen is starting to get up there in age. That's depressing for not only him but the rest of us. It reminds us we're not in seventh grade anymore and we've aged without acquiring three Super Bowl rings and a dime of a wife. But he's still got a couple years left and if he wants to avoid a retirement of regret (filled with a supermodel and millions of dollars as well as his choice of pregame shows), he'll want to get that index finger covered.
Tom's the dude who can do no wrong in the eyes of women. We see that shot up top of a screaming dingus, they think it's the sexiest thing they've ever seen in their lives. That's how summer should be spent. Hitting water slides, slinging TDs and getting some. What did you do today?
Kobe Bryant
Mamba's got to be going nuts without the use of one of his wheels. Look for him to catch up on years of introverted-ness by tweeting on the regular. What's Kobe eating? What's Kobe wearing? These are the questions that need to be answered.
Once that Achilles heals (ha!) look for the super competitive freak to teach his girl's a thing or two about dog eat dog (that Kimmel pop-a-shot loss has been festering for too long). At 10 and seven years old, they're ready to get a dose of reality. Daddy's not going to be around to fight your battles forever so he'll be teaching them that the occasional elbow to the nose is just a part of life. The main part.
Alex Rodriguez
The return date's approaching for the formerly respected slugger. That means that the summer spent sitting poolside, picking up blondes with fake tits and pounding illegal supplements (knowing he's got a fully stocked PR team that will help him trick the last of his fans with any faith in him) is coming to an end. That's a lot of work for $35 million. Remember kids cheaters never win.
Tim Tebow
Playing third string to Tom Brady won't cut it in the mind of one of the all-time college greats. We can tell the dude's matured as a celebrity since he didn't hold a press conference this time; but how the heck will he remain relevant riding pine? He's got to know it's time to face the music, a position change is inevitable.
It's best to bulk up Tim. What's the Good Book say about Deca-Durabolin or Winstrol? You know Roger Goodell will turn a blind eye. So if it's cool with God then this'll be the greatest thing to happen to your career since Kyle Orton.
LeBron James
It'll be tough waking up in the morning and not getting our daily fill of "LeBronCenter." It'll be tough at the lunch break not hearing Skip Bayless and Steven A. break down LeBron's legacy. It'll be really tough not seeing Dan Le Batard, Woody Paige and PTI dissecting LeBron's mid-range jumpers in the fourth quarter or how his ball movement off screens doesn't stack up to Jordan's. Where the hell will we go for our scales from 1-10 on LeBron's shots?
Thankfully, the NBA Playoffs are the longest thing on Earth and training camp will arrive about three weeks after the final eardrum was popped in American Airlines Arena. LeBron will give a quick interview about how he'll come back "even more focused," take a weekend breather in Maui and then suit up for the first practice of 2013-14. You may also hear a dumb joke or two about his hairline; something which ESPN (someday) will no doubt break down in comparison to MJ's.
