Image via Complex Original
Preseason is ending and optimism abounds. As of this date, all teams are equal. But that'll last until about 3 p.m. this Sunday when roughly a dozen fanbases will come to the immediate conclusion that this fall is destined to be a bust. We're going to beat you by a whole six days as we strive to save you 16 afternoons better spent mowing the lawn, taking a nap, or staring at a wall. After all, how likely is it that Mark Sanchez will be able to duke it out all season with Tom Brady? Do you really think Jeff Tuel is the answer? Do you even know who Jeff Tuel is? That could be a problem. You may be mad at us now for bursting the bubble you built by ignoring the obvious. But, that extra time on the weekend could (but won't) lead to something special. Who are we kidding? You're just going to watch anyway. But here's 10 Reasons Why Your NFL Team Will Have a Disappointing Season.
Terrelle Pryor is challenging for the starting job.
Applies to: Raiders
In Oakland, you're pretty much used to perpetual disappointment. The Raiders haven't contended since they got mopped in Super Bowl XXXVII by the Bucs. Lining up Terrelle Pryor under center this season is going to lead to more of the same. It may not be a blunder of JaMarcus Russell-like proportions, but then again is that the standard you want to measure against?
The other option is Matt Flynn. His entire career was made in one meaningless six touchdown performance at the end of the 2011 season against the Lions. Pick your poison, Oakland. Maybe the A's can win the pennant for once and bridge the gap until the NBA season starts.
You root for the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Applies to: Jaguars
Every once in awhile, a team comes out of nowhere and seriously contends for a Super Bowl berth. Last year's Colts, Redskins, and Seahawks all surprised many-a-critic. We're not sure who that team will be this year, but we're sure it won't be the Jaguars. When the QB competition is between Chad Henne and Blaine Gabbert (the winner), there's no sugarcoating it: God hates you.
Worse than that is the fact that Jacksonville is just as thin at nearly every other position (besides a dinged up running back coming off an injury-laden season). Anything short of a plane crash for the other 31 teams will not result in a Lombardi being hoisted by the Jags this February. We don't see that many aviation accidents stacking up; but for fans of Jacksonville, anything's possible.
They have no Plan B.
Applies to: Packers, Bears, Bucs, Rams, lots of Teams
It seems like it's been 100 years since Vince Young graced the cover of Madden. Like that franchise, the former NCAA champion hasn't aged very gracefully. Maybe he's suffering from the longest running of the "curses." Thankfully (or not, if you don't believe in B.J. Coleman) for Packers fans Young just got cut. As many an unwanted parent has found out, there can be serious consequences for lacking a "Plan B." It's remarkable how many teams in the NFL are one injury away from a catastrophic season. If that starting quarterback goes down (and it's a definite possibility), you could be stuck with B.J. Coleman instead of Aaron Rodgers, Austin Davis instead of Sam Bradford, or Josh McCown instead of Jay Cutler. Clearly, the short-lived Caleb Hanie era taught the Chicago Bears brass nothing.
This simple rule of thumb also stands to reason on positions besides field general. The Bucs spent this spring/summer bolstering a less than adequate secondary in a pass-happy division. They bought their own island in Darelle Revis, but, he's coming off major knee surgery. If his wheel can't hold up, Tampa fans could be in for another long season and may be forced to (God forbid) support the Rays for once.
You root for a one-man team.
Applies to: Vikings
The Vikings shocked the NFL by riding Adrian Peterson's Wolverine-like healing ability to a sixth-seed in the NFC last season. Many, many, many people expect Peterson to be better this season (if that's at all possible). A year after he came a first down away from setting a new single-season rushing record, the MVP has stated a desire to dwarf that mark in pursuit of a second straight playoff berth. But with coordinators putting in 60 hour weeks all offseason, we've got to believe that defensive minds can gameplan an attack to shut down the best player in the league.
It makes you ponder (hmmm) if the Vikings can come close to duplicating last year's success. All early evidence indicates that Christian Ponder, in fact, sucks. Eventually the house of cards that is Minnesota is going to collapse like their stadium, and hopefully, when it does, it won't come in the form of a second ACL tear for Peterson.
Two words: Tony Romo.
Applies to: Cowboys
"Suck" is a relative term. In this case, it sucks to be a Dallas fan because, no matter what hot start you're getting off to, you've got a choker helming your offense during the stretch run. We don't know if it's the cold weather or what, but the Eastern Illinois product consistently can't get it done during crunch time. Romo's coming off an offseason where he was penned to a six-year contract extension, with owner Jerry Jones showing uncharacteristic patience. Still, we'd advise you to enjoy September-November, Dallas fans, because Romo has proved he can gag more than Tiger Woods on the 18th, er, scratch that, than an 18-year-old waitress on Tiger Woods.
Their Pro Bowl Tight End is facing life.
Applies to: Patriots
Okay, so maybe it's a stretch to say that New England will "suck" this season. But they lost Wes Welker, Tom Brady is 36, and one of their stud tight ends is locked in an 8 x 10 at the moment. If there's a magician currently employed in the NFL, his name is Bill Belichick. The thing about the Patriots' head coach is he'll get some fourth string castaway off the waiver wire from San Diego and turn him into an All-Pro second teamer. It's not an absolute, but if ever there was a year to bet that the dynasty would crumble, it would be this one. Just don't blame us when some bookie slams a car trunk on your hands.
Jeff Tuel is their starter.
Applies to: Bills
Who the hell is Jeff Tuel, you say? A pocket passer who threw eight TDs along with eight INTs for a 3-9 Washington St. squad last year. Todd McShay's 22nd rated quarterback amongst prospective 2013 rookies (who went undrafted) has a very good chance to be signal calling for the Bills in Week 1. Buffalo, that Super Bowl winless drought is going to continue. At least a savior is coming.
They gave Joe Flacco the biggest contract in NFL history.
Applies to: Ravens
We're going to go out on a limb here and boldly predict a less than stellar season for the defending Super Bowl champs (wow, that's strongly worded). We just don't know what that Joe Flacco money is for. All that dough devoted to the QB has caused the champs to seek bargains in other areas. Ed Reed is gone, and their linebacking core is suspect, coupled with the loss of their emotional leader who won't be there to ramble like a crazy person (trust us, it works).
We also often see general complacency from the Super Bowl champs, which means it wouldn't be surprising to see a major drop-off this season in Baltimore. "Sucks" is a stretch, but missing the playoffs? Not so much.
They Were On Hard Knocks
Applies to: Bengals
An NFL season is tough enough to prep for without a host of cameras invading your personal space like a modern day JenniCam. That's the reason many teams don't answer the phone when Hard Knocks comes calling. We give Marvin Lewis and his staff tons of credit for opening the doors to the best sports show on TV. Still, Cincinnati has Super Bowl aspirations this year and we question the move to turn training camp into a reality show. Then again, the Bengals are the only team to ever win their division after appearing on HBO's program (2009), so maybe we should just shut our mouths about this one.
Their Quarterback(s) Stink
Applies to: Jets, Browns, Cardinals, Titans, Vikings, Bills, Jaguars, Raiders
You may wonder why so many negative predictions revolve around teams with crappy quarterbacks. Short answer: It's a passer's league. The Jets are the most visible manifestation of QB problems, as they have a trash-talking coach, an infamous fumble replayed on loop, and they sit squarely in the nation's largest market. Still, don't raise your noses in: Cleveland, Arizona, Tennessee, or any of the areas on this list because this applies to you as well. How are the Jets going to rally and save Rex Ryan's job this season? We don't know, but the answer is neither Geno Smith, nor Mark Sanchez.
