Everything You Need to Know Before the Women’s World Cup Final

Listen up, America. It’s time to get behind your team.

The U.S. Women’s National Team is about to play in the World Cup final on this very same weekend in which our nation celebrates its 239th birthday. After a day of embracing your American-ness and getting whipped into a patriotic frenzy, you can avoid a post-nationalistic hangover by indulging in America’s newest favorite pastime: soccer.

This isn’t just any game though; it’s a championship game. Basically, that means that even if you haven’t watched a second of the World Cup or even if you despise soccer to your very core, as an American it is your obligation to watch our women take on a team that has been their nemesis of late on the international stage: Japan.

This match will be a rematch of the 2011 World Cup final, which ended with the Japanese handing the Americans an agonizing loss on penalty kicks (please, whatever you do, don’t call them “penalty shots”). The good ol’ U-S-of-A turned the tables on Japan in the 2012 Olympics, winning the gold medal with a 2-1 victory on the strength of a pair of goals from Carli Lloyd.

And this weekend, we shall settle once and for all just who is the superior soccer nation. And while we all know it’s going to be the Americans who (as always) come out on top, we still owe it to the defensively-dominant USWNT to show our support across the nation.

So read on, temporary soccer fans. We have amassed here everything you need to know about the American team and their World Cup journey so far, and you can now attend any viewing party you like and at least sound like you know what you’re talking about. Here’s Everything You Need to Know Before the Women’s World Cup Final.

After an up-and-down group stage that saw the U.S. face significant criticism for the uninspiring manner in which they won two games and drew a third, they have made significant strides in the knockout round. A somewhat ugly to watch 2-0 win over Colombia in the Round of 16 led to a more tactically ambitious 1-0 quarterfinal victory over China. This all led to Tuesday night’s semifinal, a game in which the Americans (No. 2 in the FIFA world rankings) upended Germany, the No. 1 ranked team by FIFA. The U.S. outplayed Germany for much of the game, but really the difference between the two sides was best encapsulated by simple penalty kick execution.

Germany did this:

And the Americans did this:

The U.S. defense has been absolutely lights-out the entire World Cup. Everybody knows about goalkeeper Hope Solo for better or for worse, but she has barely been challenged the entire tournament; in fact, she has only made a total of 12 saves in six matches. The main credit goes to the Americans’ core four defenders: Meghan Klingenberg, Julie Johnston, Becky Sauerbrunn, and Ali Krieger. Along with Solo, the U.S. back five has conceded just one goal in six matches, and has held their opponents scoreless for 513 consecutive minutes. While they won’t be able to beat Germany’s record of 679 straight shutout minutes during this tournament, that does nothing to change the fact that the biggest reason the U.S. is in the final at all is because of their defense.

Um, this is kind of awkward…the answer is neither. Wambach is 35 years old, playing in her final World Cup, and has struggled a bit on the field. Coach Jill Ellis has chosen to deploy her off the bench over the last couple games to great effect, and that’s undoubtedly where the Americans’ all-time leading scorer will find herself for the Final. She’s still a prolific header of the ball and a game-changing offensive weapon at times, but she’s now merely a situational player. This botched penalty against Colombia kind of sums up where she’s at right now:

Morgan has had a tough time getting going this tournament, although her play up top has actually been far better than her one goal and zero assists would indicate. She has also drawn two penalty kicks and constantly occupies the attention of multiple defenders, creating space for her teammates especially on the wings. She also barely played in the run up to the tournament and missed all but 23 minutes of the first two World Cup games as she recovered from a knee injury, so some rust is expected.

So who is the best player, you may ask? That’s a tough question, especially because the team is playing so well as a unit. Right now, if we had to pick an individual, it would probably be outside midfielder Megan Rapinoe. She has been tremendous all tournament at both setting up teammates and putting the ball in the back of the net herself, despite missing the China game due to suspension. As perhaps the team's most creative player, she was a big part of the improved U.S. attack against the Germans.

Yes, yes it is. Any time you can emulate the iconic image of Brandi Chastain’s winning penalty kick in the 1999 World Cup, you have to do it. If you are a man and aren’t wearing a sports bra and white shorts for this game, you’re doing it wrong.

Surprisingly, no. While the Americans have made it to at least the semifinal in every edition of the Women’s World Cup, they’ve only won the whole thing twice: the inaugural title in 1991, and then when they hosted the tournament in 1999 on Chastain’s aforementioned penalty kick. While the U.S. is the team most often associated with the tournament, Germany has also won twice, and if they can beat the Americans in the final then Japan will match that total as well. While they’ve dominated on the Olympic level (four gold medals and one silver in the five competitions), the Americans will continue to live with the specter of the famous ‘99ers hanging over their heads until they hoist another World Cup trophy.

Well, they’re in the World Cup final, so yes. But it’s not exactly like they’ve dominated en route to this ultimate game. They have yet to win by more than a one goal margin, and despite their dominance in possession have relied on late goals and good fortune to get wins. And, really, they’re arguably only in the final by the grace of dumb luck in their semifinal victory over England.

First, there was this “penalty” call despite the fact that the foul clearly occurred outside the box:

And then this, a stoppage time “winner” that will go down as one of the most agonizing own goals in the history of the sport:

So while any team that goes 6-0-0 in their six matches should be taken very seriously, there’s no reason this Japan team should have you too worried.

Glad you asked! Any time Donovan can take a shot Jurgen Klinsmann—his former coach for the U.S. Men’s National Team who famously cut Donovan right before last summer’s World Cup—he’s going to go for it. This time, he unleashed perhaps the subtweet of the century during the late stages of the United States' semifinal win over Germany, but it was not a tweet sent without consequence. Fox commentator Alexi Lalas took notice, and fired back with a far less oblique tweet of his own:

Ah, who doesn’t love a good old fashioned Twitter gutter war? Stay tuned for a possible sequel during the final.

You mean this guy?

The leader some people have compared to Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, Moses, and/or Jesus? The man who actually, seriously said:

No, even though he has presented the trophy at every tournament since he has been President of FIFA/everybody, he won’t be there. He swears it isn’t because he fears he will be arrested. It’s only because of “personal reasons.”

Feel better, Sepp. We'll miss you.

You should make sure to mention to people how the insertion of Morgan Brian into the starting lineup has really helped unleash Carli Lloyd in a more advanced role, which has in turn helped the Americans become much more of a threat up top. It’s also worth mentioning that the U.S. will really benefit from the relentless two-way play of Kelly O’Hara on the wing, regardless of whether she starts or comes off the bench. You also could mention how you think Becky Sauerbrunn may actually be the team’s MVP, as her perfect positioning, tackling acumen, and leadership in the back have arguably been the backbone of the entire team.

Don’t worry if you understand 50 percent or less of any of these comments. I swear they’re all accurate, and people will respect you if you repeat them.

Her name is Jill Ellis. She is a native of Portsmouth, England, but moved to the U.S. in 1981 at the age of 15. No, nobody knows what the hell is going on with her accent; it’s like 80 percent American, 20 percent English. Prior to coaching the U.S. Women, she was best known as the head coach of the highly-successful UCLA women’s team from 1999 to 2010, where she led the team to eight Final Fours (including seven in a row from 2003 to 2009).

Ellis faced a lot of criticism through the United States' first four games for a perceived lack of imagination in her tactics. It seemed like the Americans were content with just booting it up the field to Wambach and hoping for the best. A personnel change in the quarterfinal against China and a formation change against Germany have the U.S. now playing at their peak, and Ellis’ critics conspicuously silent. In hindsight, it’s highly possible that the U.S. went “vanilla” in their first four matches in part because they knew they could simply overwhelm teams physically, saving their tactical adjustments for the later stages.

Yeah, and it sucks. The whole turf thing has been a big issue for several years, and as U.S. forward Sydney Leroux posted on her Twitter two years ago, the results of sliding around on turf can be rather painful. A group of players actually sued FIFA over their decision to play the tournament on turf, although they ended up withdrawing their complaint this past January. It’s never really been properly explained why FIFA—with its bottomless moneypits being used for niceties such as cat apartments—wouldn’t just pay for grass to be put down in the six stadiums being used for the tournament. Given FIFA’s complete lack of regard for the women’s game in the past, however, it would seem that blatant sexism is likely at the heart of the issue.

Are you serious? Come on. Of course we are.

2-0 USA. There’s no chance Japan’s mediocre forwards can break through that American defense, and there’s also no chance the newly-revitalized U.S. attack won’t put a couple in against an organized but out-muscled Japan defense.

And now, you’re ready to enjoy what will be one of the most American weekends in our nation’s fine history. As a wise man once said, “Go, go, USA.”